This past March my wife of 19.5 years decided she wanted a divorce. Many things contributed, but the one she has latched onto is the brief affair I had 16 years ago and which she now says she never got over. (we were having some issues that she now, FINALLY admits to being selfish about!) I quickly figured out (by spying on the computer) that she was interested in a friend of ours that she sings w/ her in the CATHOLIC CHURCH CHOIR! OM was unmarried as you will see later! After a few days of him telling her she should work things out w/ me, she decided to give us another go. That lasted about two weeks and then she decided she wanted to move out. I stayed in the house w/ our two kids who at the time were 13 and 10. At that time she said she wanted to see where things went w/ the other guy BUT that maybe we could date in a month or two and try to work our troubles out! Well w/in a couple of days of moving out she was sleeping w/ him (she admitted it!). Then the following week they decided that they needed to not have sex until she was divorced! Also, w/in two weeks of separating she was taking the kids to dinner and a movie w/ MR. WONDERFUL! That happened at least 3 times that I know of. When I told her that was inappropriate she basically chewed me out and said TOUGH. For about 6 weeks they were all glommed up in one another, dating publicly, announcing to the church choir they were dating!, and generally flaunting their relationship. Then in early June HE decided that since she was not divorced it was wrong for them to be dating. That lasted about 3 weeks were upon he then said they could have NO contact because it was WRONG and they couldn't see each other until she was divorced. In Aug. she asked me to change the date we separated and backdate it 3 or 4 months so we could get this over sooner. I said NO and she exploded at me on the phone (I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping and I’m down to 100#) When I told her that wasn’t my problem anymore she screamed “FINE, then I’ll just F__ing DIE. The following week the same subject was discussed and I told her too bad, that I didn't see HIM anywhere in the picture so what was the problem. Well, that got her thinking and she went to see him (after he refused to return her phone calls) and he basically said we're over, it was a mistake, I'm not going to be waiting for you when you get your divorce and you've ruined me for another woman (he was a virgin at 39!) She then went through a couple of weeks of depression and generally not communicating but then asked if I would go to a Marriage conference in two months and maybe we could see about us. I told her I would think about it but still felt that if OM showed up she’d jump right back into that stupid mess. So two months go by, we sorta get along and occasionally spend time together w/ the kids. But whenever I made a small gesture (flowers, card…) she immediately said that wasn’t changing anything and not to get my hopes up. So I didn’t. We both (separately) attended a LOVE and RESPECT conference this fall and she feels that had we done this years ago we would have been okay, but it's too late now. As things stand, she doesn't want to discuss "US" any more and says we definitely will be getting divorced this coming spring. She has refused all offers of mine to go to joint counseling. For a few months she kept saying we can date after we're divorced and see if we can build a new relationship but now she admits that isn't going to happen; that she just CAN'T get past the fact that I had an affair. She doesn't see that she did the same thing (says that since she told me she wanted out before she got involved it doesn't matter!) and that as far as she's concerned she's entitled to a Biblical divorce because the Bible says adultery is grounds for a divorce. I have tried to keep all doors open even when she was flaunting her new honey in my face. I said repeatedly that I would welcome her back and would consider counseling. While we parent well, she wants nothing to do w/ me and just wants to get divorced and find a new relationship. I have been working on forgiving myself for my role in this and praying that she will seek guidance from someone that will steer her back to her family. Other than that I don't know what to do. I realize I can't MAKE her want to come back. I just am puzzled why someone that is so religious is so hell bent to get a divorce instead of trying to work on WHY she couldn't forgive and to keep our family together.
And after reading DIVORCE REMEDY and the chapter on Depression… She has 12 of the 14 symptoms! Half of them are pronounced. And the chapter on MLC describes her to a T!
And there are lots of other factors at play here. While she has known about the relationship since 1989 I had always denied it was sexual although she knew it was... I could not accept that I had failed and could not bring myself to admit it. She withdrew over the years and then in the past 4 years has lost both her parents to cancer and almost lost her brother to cancer (her only close relative) Add in 2 miscarriages years ago and issues of rejection/abandonment/not being good enough that she is in counseling for and, well, you get the point. Even her friends will say she has "issues" that have nothing to do w/ me. BTW, she had decided to split and then decided we needed to work things out and that's when we both confessed our past sins to each other. She just decided that she was TOO interested in the OM and didn't think we would be able to get better and decided she could not pass up the chance to be happy. (her words) We had been in counseling for several months prior and she had basically shut down and then would pick at me because it didn't seem to be helping. Now we know why! Over the years she wanted me to woo and court her and "make it up" to her and "fix" things, but she didn't want to do anything to fix our marriage. And yes this was pretty much out of the blue; I didn't think things were THAT bad and I NEVER thought she would walk out, much less get involved w/ someone else. She also had a habit over the years of telling me one thing repeatedly... and then being pissed if I acted on that information. Example, telling me sure, it's okay if you go away on a trip, I think you need some time to have fun; you've been working hard... And then holding that against me. She would erect emotional walls and then wonder why I couldn't be more supportive. There's more, but it's way to personal for here; along the same vein though.
I have a REAL problem w/ the OM, he that is OH SO RELIGIOUS that he jumped right into a relationship w/ her when he KNEW she was in a state of crisis about her marriage and he believed her when she said it was over. The first few weeks we were separated and she was in the guest room she was even going to his house every few evenings and coming home at all hours of the AM even after I asked her NOT to; to wait until she moved out. The kids would ask where Mom was and when did she get home; I'd just say out w/ friends and I don't know what time, I was in bed... He had been a guest in our house many times, was friendly w/ our children and should have sternly told her NO, if you think you want me, then get a divorce and then we'll talk. Instead, he got involved, she thinks he's the next coming, the kids were involved in their relationship, and then he cuts off contact because he gets the guilts. And evidently has no intention of picking up where things were left, although she still thinks that's what's going to happen. And she partly blames me for getting dumped because I told him off!
And OM is a true "momma's boy". Evidently his mom told him he had no business being w/ her and he very hurtfully broke it off. She still seems to think that once she's divorced he'll want her again and that he was just mean to her to try to push her back to me... He evidently started feeling guilty about that. Must be because I chewed him out royally about interfering in my marriage; that, and the fact that he has to see me every day because..... we WORK at the same place! yeah, that's real fun. NOT. So I continue to struggle between holding out hope and trying to deal w/ the reality of my life.
Now, I'm far from perfect and I could have done more over the years to reassure her, BUT, I have been faithful since then, I've told her repeatedly over the years that I want to be w/ her, she's a sexy, desirable, beautiful woman that I LOVE, I'm a good father (obviously, as she left the kids w/ me!) and I've NOT attacked her legally even when the first lawyer I had wanted to blast her; can you say "scorched Earth policy"? This all boils down to she can't get past the fact I was w/ another woman and it has festered in her for years.
She just lost her vim 4 years ago when her Dad died; it was like watching a candle fade out to nothing. And then her Mom died and her brother got sick and his prognosis was unknown for a while.. And of course she had to face her own mortality. I guess she just decided she wanted to grab the brass ring...
And from what I understand she (wife) still thinks the OM will want her back once she's divorced... I wouldn't want to hold my breath on THAT! Repeatedly I have been told by counselors, clergy and even her Sister in law that I am not the cause of this. That she has other issues, mostly w/ her now deceased Mother and feelings of lack of self worth, self esteem and not being loved etc… At the divorce support group that I attend the point was made that this is such a familiar story and the LBS is the one that the WAS turns all their anger on…
Now I understand that she’s REALLY PISSED… Her lawyer file for divorce a few weeks ago, but he filed prematurely; they have to wait one year as they don’t have fault grounds. My lawyer immed. Filed a motion to dismiss which they sat on until today, the day before it was supposed to be argued in court. They pulled the Complaint! She was thinking that all they had to do was file, wait til one year elapsed and walk into court and walk out divorced! She STILL thinks that this is going to solve all her problems.. I know for fact that she is being treated for depression and she knows she’s depressed. Why her counselor can’t get it through her head that she needs to straighten out her problems and THEN worry about if a divorce is the answer I don’t know.
