First, I want to send the biggest hugs to my friends here who obviously care very much, and you don’t know how much that means to me. Sassy, you are a darling. Thank you so much. I honestly think there is no better term for this than “rollercoaster” because that is exactly how my emotions feel. Please know that what I agreed upon with H. will be ok right now. Imdi, if he takes anything I’ll keep a list, just in case I need it in the future. Like you said, I don’t anticipate there being a problem with what he wants vs. what I want.
Now I'll post about what happened today:
I was feeling so down this morning, very hopeless in light of yesterday’s conversation with H. I really wanted a sign that perhaps I shouldn’t give up yet. Strangely enough, on my lunch hour, H. called me twice. The first time it was just to say hi, see if I was home for lunch, etc. I kept waiting for him to say something negative, indicating he was calling for a reason, but he didn’t. We shared a funny story about something that happened at my place of work. He told me he’d gone out to buy some new pants, because he has lost weight (stress) and nothing fits. Conversation lasted about 10 min. and he said he’d call me back later.
20 min. later, he did call again. He wanted to tell me something that had happened while he was at the store (not worth explaining). We talked, I told him I hoped he had a great day.
The reason I am even posting about this is because H. normally doesn’t call me on my lunch hour, and certainly not to share what’s going on in his day, unless he is without o.w. Normally she is the one he’d call to share these stories, not me. So this is interesting and I feel it’s a positive even though I know nothing for sure.
What is so bizarre is how he’s so far left one day, and then so far right the other. Yesterday, he’s talking about apts., and legal separation, and never coming back. Today he’s calling to share little things about his day, the way he used to.
It’s amazing how something as small as a phone call from him in the middle of the day can make me feel so much better. There didn’t seem to be any reason to call me other than he wanted to talk and share the small things of his day. How I miss this. I'm not getting my hopes up. It's just nice to be treated like his friend.
Now if only it can continue like this for a while…
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
HF keep working on yourself. I haven't posted to this thread in a few days, but you know that I have been watching. As you know I am knee deep in MLC research, when inlighted I may be able to give better advise. but I am not leaving anyone out of my thoughts and prayers. Again, call if you need to talk or vent. I found this quote among the MLC stuff. thought that I would share.
Quote: I have come to realize from the Lord that he is having us go thru this to become stronger, develop patience and unconditional love. Remember that marriage is a partnership...when one of the spouses cannot carry their load the other one has to pick it up until the other spouse can carry their share. How many times as our spouse had to pick up our share? One day you may be in need of them to pick up our load.
Hope- I don't think it is any coincidence that both of our H's do practically the same things...more proof that they are reading from some script. As a lot of people have said (you included ), things change from day to day. There really is no rhyme or reason to their behaviors. My H used to tell me how good it felt to spend time with me, and then when he was without me, he would feel miserable b/c he would have all of these negative thoughts. I don't even think they understand what is going on in their heads and their hearts. I honestly think that they are like the tides of the sea: coming close, and retreating...doing some dance where only they know the steps. It is different every day. I don't know how to explain it...i don't think one can. All we can do is live our lives in a way that feels right to US, and not to anyone else.
Perhaps you agreeing with H about the amount of $$$ to contribute made him realize that you weren't going to fight him (opening the cage door), and that has raised his curiosity. If you haven't already read it, get Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. Very religious overtones, but makes a lot of sense (similar stuff to what MWD says).
I too feel happy whenever i have a positive interaction with my H...and i start to feel like "the fat lady hasn't sang yet." So, i understand the effect his behaviors have on your mood...
Anyway, i know this post is all over the place. I hope you have an enjoyable evening. I think i need a drink today...tough day (and i got peed on!) Thinking of you...
The reason I am even posting about this is because H. normally doesn't call me on my lunch hour
There's nothing normal about your h right about now, except for normal WAS behavior, you know?
What is so bizarre is how he's so far left one day, and then so far right the other. Yesterday, he's talking about apts., and legal separation, and never coming back. Today he's calling to share little things about his day, the way he used to.
Lesson learned? Lesson learned? Maybe it's to "listen not to what they say???" and spare yourself some daily flips on the rollercoaster?
He probably feels less pressure now because he's got impending separation disanxiety.
when one of the spouses cannot carry their load the other one has to pick it up until the other spouse can carry their share. How many times as our spouse had to pick up our share? One day you may be in need of them to pick up our load.
To which I'd add: "In the meantime, get a load of the load they feed us!"
NYS, thank you for the link to that thread. I will enjoy reading through it.
shocked, that was lovely to share; thank you. I know you are looking into MLC and I've done the same thing. There is a lot of information about this posted in the MLC forum. Keep going. I am thinking about you.
Imdi, your post made me feel better. I agree, there is some script being passed around or something. It's bizarre. I loved how you referred to H. as being like the tides of the sea. Beautifully said. Yes, that explains his exact behavior. I did also consider that my agreement on how we would proceed might have influenced his attitude towards me. Not to mention that I outright told him I forgive him for what has happened and that I am not angry with him; I understand he isn't coming back at this time. Maybe he listened and it made him feel better? I, too, need a drink. Maybe some nice wine this evening. I have Love Must Be Tough and began reading it last night. I will keep with it because I have seen it recommended so many times here. Again, thanks so much, and tonight I will catch up on all of your threads. So sorry to be engulfed with my own mess today and not to have posted to anyone yet. I'll see you soon.
Hugs, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Describing the our WAS as the tides of the sea is so bang on! It does not matter if they are male or female, all their reactions seem the same! I was in Vegas for only 4 days and my W said she missed me so much but when I came home it was back to the distance and the walls! Their emmotional rollercoaster is worse than ours but I think the trick is to detatch and try to watch the tides come and go instead of chasing them!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Hope- Glad you liked that "tide" analogy...i was quite proud of myself for being so insightful
Anyway, remember what my H told me, after we had our agreement signed...that he felt that things had improved b/w us once this document was signed. Perhaps he realized that i wasn't going to keep him locked up in a cage. I don't know.
Anyway, try to keep your spirits up...i know it is difficult.
Hey, lets plan to get together soon...we'll invite everybody from around here to a big night out in the city! What do you think?
I am not getting my hopes up but H. is acting peculiar tonight.
He called me yet again after I got off work. Small talk about our day, etc.
He then said to me: "I'm not doing too good. I wanted to talk to you." I said, "Are you ok? Are you sick?" He said, "Yeah, I'm depressed. I'm tired and sick." I said, "I'm so sorry. Is it something I did that is bothering you?" He said, "No, nothing you did. It's everything I've done." I said, "Well you know you can always talk to me; I'm here." He said, "Yes, I know. I am at work and I want to talk to you more later; I am going to call you back tonight, is that ok?" I said that was fine. I told him I hoped he would be ok and I would speak with him later.
What the heck is this? Is he going to apologize? Do not worry; Hope is NOT being overly hopeful. She will not be posting here tomorrow in a heap of emotional mess for all of you to clean up. I promise.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
), things change from day to day. There really is no rhyme or reason to their behaviors. My H used to tell me how good it felt to spend time with me, and then when he was without me, he would feel miserable b/c he would have all of these negative thoughts. I don't even think they understand what is going on in their heads and their hearts. I honestly think that they are like the tides of the sea: coming close, and retreating...doing some dance where only they know the steps. It is different every day. I don't know how to explain it...i don't think one can. All we can do is live our lives in a way that feels right to US, and not to anyone else. 
