the lessons we learn from pain are good ones. I ought to be learning a whopper, then.
And... what would that be?
Not excusing H's behavior, though, have you looked at your part in the downfall of the relationship? What behaviors and patterns you had that played their part in the souring of the dynamics? Have you also looked at how much of yourself you gave up while married? Personally, I think the LBSs that suffer the worst are the ones that gave up the most of themselves, so that when their WASs leave, they have nothing to stand on and feel crippled. I'm guilty of that. I'm also guilty of contributing to the demise of my relationship. Through introspection and education, I understand why I reacted and thought as I did, see where my ex has her points, see where my ex triggered me and I triggered her, and thus was able to start those changes of those aspects of me that would only lead to my going through this again and again. Much more fruitful than always focusing on what's wrong with the WAS.
I have a question though: if H. gets his own apt. and wants to move some of the things from our house over to his apt., how exactly do I handle this? What can I agree on? If we aren't divorcing but he wants to do this, what is the right way to go about it? Just let him take whatever we can agree upon?
Just let him take whatever we can agree upon sounds like a fair answer, doesn't it? Might be easier said than done, I'd just say don't get emotional over material things. You hear these stories about couples who argue over who gets the lamp, you know? "But Aunt Matilda gave me that lamp, it has sentimental value to me!" "Sentimental value? You never used it! I always used it for reading!" "That's because I let you use it!" "But you're taking the bedroom lamps! Be fair!" "Fair? You wanna talk about fair?" yadda, yadda. Be practical, reasonable. If you can't reasonably work out who gets the lamp, how the heck do you expect to work out bigger issues, you know?
I'm not suggesting giving away the store. There are things that are obviously his, things that are obviously yours. There are things you paid for, things he paid for. You might find those to be interchangeable as a solution: "OK, you can have the lamp but I'd like that portable stereo of yours you never use". Then there are the gifts you received as a couple, try to be fairly equitable in dividing them up. And remember, anything that leaves the house, you may never see again, so come up with solutions you both feel fine with. And also remember, most material things are replaceable.
And if H still isn't satisfied, I've got some stuff my ex left in the basement I haven't gotten rid of yet, he can have that.
