He made a comment to me like, “Do you know how much easier this would be if you could just pay the mortgage alone?”
You should have said "Yeah, do you know how much easier this would be if you could just stop being an a$$hole?" Sorry...
All I can do at this point is offer what I can possibly pay towards the mortgage while still covering all my other monthly bills and expenses.
That is exactly right. He knows how much you make. So, tell him that you figured out how much you could afford to contribute towards that mortgage and thats it. If he isn't in agreement, then the only other option is to sell the house. Tough on him. I made it perfectly clear to my H that there was no way he would continue to live in our home without me, even if we were D. They want their cake and eat it too...too f...ing bad!
The only thing I can assume then is that this has something to do with o.w
I'm borrowing Sassy's whip here...stop assuming!
Just let him know that you thought about his suggestion, and that at this time, you can't afford half. He'll have to take it or leave it. Besides, you didn't force him to leave your home, and you certainly aren't making him move out of his brothers.
I wanted to add something. I don’t see how doing any of this benefits our R. at all. Taking all these steps, him getting his own apt., etc. How are we ever going to have a chance to get things back on track? I fail to see it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thank you, Imdi. It helps if someone gets mad on my behalf. I appreciate that. Just let him know that you thought about his suggestion, and that at this time, you can't afford half. He'll have to take it or leave it. Besides, you didn't force him to leave your home, and you certainly aren't making him move out of his brothers This is what I will have to do then. And you're right, I didn't force him to do anything. I did say to him today that I am being put in a very unfair position right now. I didn't say it with a mean-spirit, I just stated the truth of the matter. He's only about himself right now, and there must be something HE is gaining by me living in our house while he helps to pay for that. His words exactly: "I'd like to see you stay in it." Why? When I asked him if it was so he would have the option to come back in the future (wrong question, I know), he said he wasn't coming back (for the umpteenth time). Plus he also said he wants a legal sep. which I will not pay anything towards. If he wants that, he will have to handle it by himself. Honestly tonight, I'm thinking I just can't do this anymore. He only wants things his way. He is still with o.w. and is making no plans to come back. He tested the waters last week ("I just had to see something.") and is moving forward ("My life is different now.") I am tired of being alone without his love. I'm tired of playing these games and being so accomdating while he does whatever he wants. I'm tired of so many things. I want his love and our life to begin over, but not one thing is happening to make me feel good about this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, many times I felt like giving up and you will too. But the next day I'd feel different. So, give yourself 24 hours before you decide.
Him getting his own place still doesn't mean your M is over. Mine lived in his own place for 6 months after living with friends for a couple months. He just wanted to be on his own and see what it was like. He started inviting me over.
One big positive--he doesn't want to D! I suggest you not talk about your R with him anymore. Let him take care of the legal sep and get some legal advice to protect yourself during the time. Don't discuss it with him and don't expect him to be helpful to you.
Even better if you can keep from talking to him at all. It will just wind you up whenever you do. Let him leave messages. As some have said on the board "let him spin in the wind" for awhile.
He doesn't know what he wants right now and he's obviously confused by what he's saying to you about the house. That isn't your fault or your problem. You know what to do to take care of yourself, so just do it. Let him see that you can take care of yourself and you can live without him if you need to.
No more questions to him. You will get answers you don't like. He sees it all as pressure and that is one thing he is trying to get away from. Let OW pressure him--could be he gets tired of that and wants to go where he isn't pressured.
Hope, H's going to do things that benefit him right now, so insofar as his offers to meet his obligations, if they're not fair to you, you can refer him to your attorney. Your attorney won't care if H has to pay out and is left with only enough to afford a crawl space in a sub-basement storage room. And then the attorney can collect his fees from your H too.
"I'd like to see you stay in it." Why?
Parting gifts? Make him feel better? We don't know, and it doesn't matter why.
When I asked him if it was so he would have the option to come back in the future (wrong question, I know)
Then put that knowledge to work.
he said he wasn't coming back (for the umpteenth time)
Every umpteenth time that you push. This is what WASs will do at this stage.
I am tired of being alone without his love.
I understand that sweetie. Yet right now, this is not a man that will love you the way you ought to be loved.
I'm tired of playing these games and being so accomdating while he does whatever he wants. I'm tired of so many things.
Yet, this is what it takes. Patience and a few extra truckloads of it. No expectations, so that you don't get frustrated by not seeing results when you want to see them. We're not playing games, this is life. We do things to get results, if possible. The problem here is that emotions get mixed in, and when that happens, it becomes very difficult to do. But if you can hang in there, then in time, you'll be OK with whatever happens, with no regrets.
I want his love and our life to begin over
Wanting his love and your life to begin over is an extremely unrealistic wish. Your life isn't contingent on his, and it's always within your power to live it. Wanting his love is understandable, but not doable right now. There was a time when you didn't need his love, there was a time when you just wanted to be loved... by someone. Then you met him. You fell in love, and then all of a sudden, he became very important. You wanted to share things with him, you wanted his approval, you wanted his hugs, his kisses, his smiles, his joy, his love. It became specifically about him, above anyone else's.
As you heal, you will go back to seeking love, and you'll find it doesn't have to be only from him.
And, to be honest, two years from now, he may find that it's you he really wants. So, try not to get so wrapped up in today's story. Things can change, trust me on that.
but not one thing is happening to make me feel good about this.
Nobody likes to feel pain, but pain is a part of life. there are no quick fixes here, no pills to take. You don't have to feel good about this. You just have to say, "OK, so I'm in pain. I don't like it, but I'll get through it. Good things will come".
by virtue of your name alone you can't just give up - you're hope and you float I'm sorry you're having difficulties. NYSurvivor has put it wisely as usual, about pain bringing good things. THink about childbirth: if if were up to women to decide whether to progress into labor or stop and wait because it's too painful, there would be no births and no infants. Moreover, think about childbirth from the newborn perspective: it hurts like hell, it's scary, it's highly unusual, and there's nothing you can do about it although you wish the whole thing just stops and leaves you alone. As one joke puts it, twins before being born say goodbye to one another forever, because it's obviously the end of life: no one ever saw a newborn coming back in.
Where are you at, by the way? Anywhere close?
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
mollie, Hi. I did post on your thread! Thank you for your encouragement. No, he did not mention getting a D. It's funny but I can't even recall when he's ever uttered that word through all this. Believe me, not having to talk to him is usually best for me. Ask any of my friends here; they can easily tell when I've had a H. encounter and when I haven't. My words reflect it; I do much better after a few days of no contact. Honestly, I'm not trying to pressure him, but sometimes things get said in the midst of these necessary conversations. I try to do it all right, but I'm not an A+ student in DB'ing yet.
I did call him back; he is working tonight. So, I told him that I had thought about what he said and I just couldn't cover half. He said, "Ok, can you cover xxx?" and since he suggested the exact amount I had thought I could pay, I told him yes. He was very agreeable to this. We talked a few minutes more about the other bills, how they would be paid, etc. Most of this we had already worked out before. He says he is not moving in with anyone; he just doesn't want to live where he's at anymore. There are 2 guys that rent rooms there too; I don't know if they've had problems, or perhaps it's because o.w. can't really spend the night there with him. I guess it is pointless to try to figure out why. He did ask me again what I planned to do; stay here, or move. To answer that, I would have to bring up a D., because frankly that is what it depends on. If I think there is a chance that giving him some time will help, then yes I will stay here a while. But if it's really over, and he wants to file, then I would be leaving this area. I told him I do not want to leave my current job; he knows how much I love it there, and I do have the opportunity to move up and make more in a few years. He seemed to understand this, but he said that if he can't afford to get his own apt. and help pay our mortgage, then he's going to have to sell the house anyway. I told him I understood. I hope I am making the right choices. Nothing ever feels solidly right anymore. Sometimes I still can't believe he is behaving this way.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I don't have an attorney although I have been to consultations. I figured if H wants a legal sep., he is going to have to take care of this all by himself. I don't feel that I should have to lift a finger towards it. Nothing that H. is suggesting (yet) seems unfair, really. Well, yeah, ALL of this is unfair, but I'm being practical. I am trying to be patient, and I feel I have been. He's been gone 6 mo. now, even though it feels a lot longer. I honestly never thought things would get this far, but they have, and I am trying to manage as best as I can. There is still a part of me that wonders how he can be so sure of himself when he never once really tried to see if we could work things out. I don't know how he deals with that. It's one of the reasons I have tried to be so patient; because I'm still hoping for a chance like that. If we can't, then fine, but how do we know? This is the most frustrating part for me.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I remember after a few months thinking the same thing--"he never said he wanted a D". You are doing just fine. NY always has great advice. And no one is an A+ DBer. We all make mistakes along the way. It's all a learning process.
"if it's really over and he wants to file"...he didn't say that so don't think it right now. Just stay in your house as long as you can, paying what you can. You've discussed it and it seems there is nothing more to say until he decides something. I know it isn't fair to keep you hanging, but continually asking about it is going to push him further away. Remember, you don't HAVE to do anything right now. Just sit patiently and wait (if you want to).
