You're right, Imdi. H wants something; he wants a separation and to make things harder on me. I spoke to H. and it did not go well. He said he had no money, and needed $ to deposit into his own acct. for groceries, gas, etc. Fine. I understand this. He admitted he needs to find his own place to live; he can’t stay at his brother’s forever. He said he wants to file for a legal separation; he is not coming back home and he wants his own money. He is all hung up on us keeping the house, but he is angry that he is covering the mortgage while I live there. (no way I could afford to pay it alone).
He says he would like to see me stay in it (?) and we would jointly own it and he would pay half the mortgage if I can pay the other half. That would be a big stretch; I’m not sure yet. He kept saying he doesn’t want to sell it. I asked him if he isn’t coming back, then why is he offering this arrangement? He said that it is up to me, also; if I want to leave, then he can move back in and buy me out. I wouldn’t agree to this; if we D. then I want us to sell it and split the profits. I made him aware of this, and although it isn’t his way, he understands. (He cannot have this all HIS way).
He made a comment to me like, “Do you know how much easier this would be if you could just pay the mortgage alone?” So selfish and hurtful. He knows this is not possible. He wants all of this to be made so simple for him. Meanwhile we have gone through a lot of our savings already and I was going to try to save money on my own, but if he puts me in this position then that isn’t going to be possible.
The way we left it about the house was: *He does not feel he should have to pay the entire mortgage when he isn’t even living there; he wants me to pay half (which will be very hard, since I have all the other bills to pay too). He seems to think he’s doing me a favor by offering to cover half the mortgage. *If I want to leave, then he will put a for sale sign up. But he kept saying he did not want to sell the house.
I told him I knew he wasn’t coming back right now, but did he want to live alone for now, I’ll stay in the house and we can see how things go in the future? He paused, and said, “Yes.” Later in the conversation though, he backtracked this and said he’s not coming back, that his life is different now. Not once did he mention a D. but he does want a separation.
I told him that it felt really good when he held me the other day. He was quiet and said, “I just had to see something.” I told him I knew what I felt, and that I didn’t think it wasn’t one way, either. He did not agree or deny. I asked him if he was moving in with someone else; he said no, he wants to be alone, get his own place. I am sure o.w. will be staying there, but just not paying anything.
I told him I forgave him for everything; that I cared very much about him and I didn’t want him to feel guilty anymore. He just “um hmm”ed me. I asked him if he wanted to get a legal sep. then what would happen at the end of that; he said we would have to work that out at that point. I tried to make him realize this is his decision; he has to do it if he wants it. He seems to want to take the steps now. We were not done with our conversation but he said he had to go get ready for work, so he said goodbye and hung up on me. Nice. I don’t know; I’m at a crossroads now. Maybe it’s time to end this and move on.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
