Morning hope- Sounds like everybody had a quiet weekend...me too. Saturday night i went to a girlfriends for dinner and a movie...it was good to get out. Sorry i missed the chips and dip, wine and pizza...maybe next time.
Your H is backing off...remember what they say in "Make up don't break up"...they get close, and then back off. Keep up your detachment.
Imdi, Thanks for the reminder about the detaching and distancing. I guess that’s what he’s doing. I wish he would touch base with me soon. I’m trying not to worry so much but it’s hard, as you know. Hugs
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Things are not going well for me at all. I have not heard from my H. in 5 days. I stopped by my house about an hour ago, and H. had been there. He is coming back as he took our dog with him, somewhere. I quickly looked around to see what he’d been up to, and I found a piece of paper with info. about apartments, with phone numbers and such. I noticed the written directions to one place, and then a website for another. I came back to work and looked it up; he is looking for an apt. in the city. He’s been staying fairly rent-free all this time at a house one of his family members owns. I know this person wanted to sell this house, so must be H. is now looking for a place to live. I wonder if that is what prompted what happened last week, when he started calling me and he came over to see me, etc. I think he was testing himself to see if he could come back, and he clearly doesn’t want to. So now he’s apt. hunting. I am scared. Where we live, this is not going to be cheap, and I do not know how we are going to afford both a mortgage and now an apt. with all the other bills. I have to assume he is planning to move in with o.w. because there is no way he can afford all these expenses on his own. I am very upset right now, and unsure if I will see him later on today; he knows my schedule and could easily avoid me if he wants to. I know he has to go back to our house to at least bring our dog back home but I don’t know what time he will do this. I feel him moving further and further away from me. Please help.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
As I suspected, H. was not here when I came home. He'd been and left. He left me a vm asking me to call him. I also noticed he wrote a check for a substantial amount of cash from our acct. I do not know what is going on here. He said he needed this until he got paid again on Friday. He also took all our tax info. and said on the vm that he would have it filed (obviously jointly). What am I going to do next? Should I ask him if he is moving, or wait for him to tell me? Another thing that bothered me, I noticed on the receipts he left on the counter that he'd gone to the grocery store a few times to buy things for o.w.'s child (baby items). And the time stamp on the receipt shows a time/date that H. should have been at work. I think there is so much more going on with him than I really know. What should I do? A part of me wants to confront him (would have to be on the phone) and find out what is going on here. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Relax and take a deep breath. You do not know your H is definitely going to get an apartment with the OW. All you know is he is looking. Even though you live in an expensive area and things would be tough financially you do not really want your H to come back home before he's really ready do you?
You've made some positive steps recently and then some steps backward. Five days may seem like an eternity to us but really it isn't that long. Think of how easy it is to put off an errand for a day or two and then suddenly a week has gone by. I'm not comparing you to picking up the dry cleaning. I just want you to remember that the WAS is not always thinking clearly and wants to avoid reality where things require hard work.
No, I sure don't want him to come back sooner than he is ready to, but I am concerned as to what is going on with him. He doesn't seem to be at work when he should be, going by the receipts he left me (debit). And now he's written himself a large check for cash, and did not explain to me why. Considering we have a shared acct. I do feel I have the right to ask about this. Something is happening and it sure doesn't feel like it's in my benefit. I have tried to return his call and he is not picking up. On his message to me, he said we needed to go over a few things; that he has been having a problem with money. Yeah, I'll bet. He's spending it all on o.w. and her child. I have such a headache right now.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope- I am sorry that you are having a bad day...wish i could say something to make you feel better, but here's a hug! I don't know what to advise. I would say not to ask him about the check he wrote...it will only become a power struggle. Can you open your own account, and start putting money in that account, so that you know he is not pissing your money away on ow?
Don't ask him if he is moving...let him tell you. I do find it curious that he left all of that information lying around.
As hard as it is, remind yourself that you can't control his actions, only your own. Thats what i do when i find myself starting to spin out of control with questions and assumptions...really doesn't help at all. Leave it be. Let him call you...he wants something, let him come and get it.
I hope that you are able to have an okay day. Thinking of you!
You're right, Imdi. H wants something; he wants a separation and to make things harder on me. I spoke to H. and it did not go well. He said he had no money, and needed $ to deposit into his own acct. for groceries, gas, etc. Fine. I understand this. He admitted he needs to find his own place to live; he can’t stay at his brother’s forever. He said he wants to file for a legal separation; he is not coming back home and he wants his own money. He is all hung up on us keeping the house, but he is angry that he is covering the mortgage while I live there. (no way I could afford to pay it alone).
He says he would like to see me stay in it (?) and we would jointly own it and he would pay half the mortgage if I can pay the other half. That would be a big stretch; I’m not sure yet. He kept saying he doesn’t want to sell it. I asked him if he isn’t coming back, then why is he offering this arrangement? He said that it is up to me, also; if I want to leave, then he can move back in and buy me out. I wouldn’t agree to this; if we D. then I want us to sell it and split the profits. I made him aware of this, and although it isn’t his way, he understands. (He cannot have this all HIS way).
He made a comment to me like, “Do you know how much easier this would be if you could just pay the mortgage alone?” So selfish and hurtful. He knows this is not possible. He wants all of this to be made so simple for him. Meanwhile we have gone through a lot of our savings already and I was going to try to save money on my own, but if he puts me in this position then that isn’t going to be possible.
The way we left it about the house was: *He does not feel he should have to pay the entire mortgage when he isn’t even living there; he wants me to pay half (which will be very hard, since I have all the other bills to pay too). He seems to think he’s doing me a favor by offering to cover half the mortgage. *If I want to leave, then he will put a for sale sign up. But he kept saying he did not want to sell the house.
I told him I knew he wasn’t coming back right now, but did he want to live alone for now, I’ll stay in the house and we can see how things go in the future? He paused, and said, “Yes.” Later in the conversation though, he backtracked this and said he’s not coming back, that his life is different now. Not once did he mention a D. but he does want a separation.
I told him that it felt really good when he held me the other day. He was quiet and said, “I just had to see something.” I told him I knew what I felt, and that I didn’t think it wasn’t one way, either. He did not agree or deny. I asked him if he was moving in with someone else; he said no, he wants to be alone, get his own place. I am sure o.w. will be staying there, but just not paying anything.
I told him I forgave him for everything; that I cared very much about him and I didn’t want him to feel guilty anymore. He just “um hmm”ed me. I asked him if he wanted to get a legal sep. then what would happen at the end of that; he said we would have to work that out at that point. I tried to make him realize this is his decision; he has to do it if he wants it. He seems to want to take the steps now. We were not done with our conversation but he said he had to go get ready for work, so he said goodbye and hung up on me. Nice. I don’t know; I’m at a crossroads now. Maybe it’s time to end this and move on.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope- Sorry that convo didn't go well. I don't want to get too nosy into your financial matters, but i will share with you what has gone on b/w my H and I in relation to money and the house.
When i first moved out, i was giving H money every month towards house expenses (about one-fourth of the total expenses). When i moved back and he moved out, he insisted that i pay basically half of all of the expenses, which was VERY difficult. But, i know he did it in hopes that he would force me out of the house...that didn't do it. I did eventually move out again and started giving him money every month again, but much less than i had been giving, basically b/c my H makes about 2 and a half times more money than me. When we signed the interspousal agreement, we had decided that i would no longer give him money every month. That didn't last long. So, i now give him money, but much less than i had been giving him. What he told me was that he thought it was fair that i contribute something towards the cost of running a house that i would be getting a percentage of when we D. Can you tell your H that: if he wants to share in the profit from the sale of the house (whenever that is), then he has to contribute his fair share now? My H and i also discussed the buy-out option. I couldn't afford it...if i did buy him out, i would have had to borrow money from my parents and would have just turned around and sold the house anyway. I refused to be bought out b/c i wanted the house sold...i wasn't giving up rights to OUR home while he still lived there.
I know you said you can't afford to pay half the mortgage if you are paying other bills. Can you total up the monthly expenses and then split them?
I don't know...just something to think about...i didn't mean to hijack. Just wanted to let you know that i have been there, and it sucks.
Try very hard to detach from him. Don't ask any more questions about the future of your R. Just agree with him. You aren't going to change his mind right now. He is convinced he is doing the right thing. Don't get into a power struggle with him over it. I know that D is not what you want, but fighting him isn't getting you anywhere. I know i am being a hypocrite, and i am sorry if i am being harsh. But, i am just angry for you, and i am sorry that he is hurting you so much. God, i hate them all!
Imdi, I do understand H’s point, and maybe I can contribute a portion of the mortgage but I can’t cover half. What he told me was that he thought it was fair that i contribute something towards the cost of running a house that i would be getting a percentage of when we D This is how my H. feels as well. Except in his case, he wants me to cover all the utilities and house expenses plus half the mortgage. I can’t. I know the only reason he’s come to this is because he is going to get his own apt. and will have his own expenses.
H’s belief is that I should have to pay all the house utilities, since I am the one using the power, water, heat, and so on. I had agreed to this initially when he said he’d pay the mortgage. Like yourself, my H. makes much more than me; about 2 ½ x as much. But see, with getting his own apt. now he will have rent, and his own utilities to pay. This is not going to be easy for either of us. The thing is, his brother has not sold his house (I asked), so nothing is forcing H. to move. The only thing I can assume then is that this has something to do with o.w I am not going to quit my current job just to find something that pays more to accommodate this; I love my job and have been doing so well there. It is the only good thing I have to look forward to. Can you tell your H that: if he wants to share in the profit from the sale of the house (whenever that is), then he has to contribute his fair share now? He thinks he is, Imdi, by only paying half the mortgage. He sees that as fair. I’m the one living there. You and I think alike in the buyout option. I won’t agree for him to buy me out, although I know he would love nothing more. But no way will he and o.w. move into our home. I’m sorry; I draw the line there. Oh, and Imdi, never apologize or think you’ve hijacked. Anything you have to say, I want to hear! All I can do at this point is offer what I can possibly pay towards the mortgage while still covering all my other monthly bills and expenses. If this doesn’t work for him then he will have to decide what he wants to do. I just don’t understand what he’s thinking: he wants me to pay my share of the expenses since I would get half the profits of the house when we sell it. However, he says he would like to see me stay in the house, and he doesn’t want to sell it. Huh?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
