P&Dbing, Good morning. To answer your question, H. does have his own acct. but he has not yet moved his paychecks from being directly deposited in our shared acct. to his own. He mentioned to me a few weeks ago that he was going to make the switch and I think he still plans to. Over the last month he would only call every 3 days or so to give me the acct. info. I did notice an increase in his calls over the last week, and to be honest I certainly wasn’t expecting to hear from him yesterday. I didn’t want to talk to him, for fear I would just get upset again, so that’s why I didn’t pick up. I wish I understood what he wanted, what he seems to be looking for, and why he thought he might find it with me, but didn’t. It bothers me that he says he is not depressed, because from where I stand he certainly seems to be acting that way. And then there is this fear that I have, that H. is possibly at a turning point with o.w. and before he took a bigger step towards her he wanted to be sure that he did not have mixed feelings about me, so that is why he came over Monday. This rollercoaster is making me dizzy.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
if he was sure that it was over, he could have moved the money long ago. or Tuesday, if Monday sealed the deal. Money is a "safe" topic. he can call and speak to you without justification b/c you have this joint acct. So just be perky. Pretend that Monday didn't happen as best that you can. Stop worrying about OW. I know it sucks, but there is nothing that you can do other than be a great person yourself. And we all know that you are a great person, the thing is projecting it, so that your H gets reminded.
It bothers me that he says he is not depressed, because from where I stand he certainly seems to be acting that way.
They never tell you they're depressed. If they did, they would also get help. My W does the same thing yet she's clearly depressed most of the time or if not, doing a great job of behaving along the traditional definitions of depression (tired all the time, lethargic, lack of interest in thing once of great interest, sleeps too much/too little, eating problems, etc). It pains me to think that she/he could get some help for their depression and maybe things would be clear to them, even if it became clear they needed to be gone forever.
shocked, Hi there. Thank you for the kind words. Maybe he does use the finances as a reason to contact me; I suppose that could be true. I never assume anything about H. anymore because he is so hard to figure out. grasshoper, I don't know why I even brought up the depression. I mean I've read enough about it to know that you can't suggest to someone that they might be depressed and have them believe you. It would be so much easier if they did, or at least looked into the possibility.
A girlfriend of mine has been emailing me. She was a LBS; her husband moved out, had an affair, etc. but he is back with her now. She totally understands how I feel and I told her about what happened. She said to me:
I want to tell you that my husband came back to me and we held each other. We both started crying, and I thought that this was him coming back to me. He did not stay, he said that he could not because he did not feel that way any more. I could feel his heart beating, so I knew that he felt something. I am telling you this because they do not know what they are feeling and some day it will work out. You need to focus on you right now. You need to do things that make you feel better.
A little insight from a former LBS.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
HF, Good advice from your girlfriend. It must be comforting coming from someone on the other side of this nightmare. My brother is a former LBS who was reconciled with WAW after a year separation. He says the same thing. He heard many of the things that we hear from our was'. He reminds me that you can't believe them and that nothing you say or do to get through to them will work. All you can do is work on yourself, detach, gal. The WAS will come around if and when the smoke clears from their head. Easy in theory, yet the practice is difficult. You are doing a great job. This setback doesn't put you back to starting base, and it doesn't mean the game's over.
HF something that bugs you -- his depression. MIL recommended that I contact a Dr and get on Zolof for mine. that bugged me. I am not depressed, according to her, its been 6 months and I shouldn't be crying anymore. Truth is I don't cry everyday, rarely actually. In fact I had a particularly bad issue which I cried over, and I would have likely cried over it if H never left, she acknowledged that was something to cry over. I must say, if it weren't for this board, I probably would have spent alot mroe time crying, and too, I would not have all these wonderful LBS's to tell me that I am normal and don't need Zolof. Now, ofcourse, that is all rational, and I probably could have just posted that in my thread, but I am putting it here b/c you don't know what is going on with your H and why he thinks or doesn't think that he may be depressed. The positive thing is he is not emotionally opening up to OW that he is having this emotional problem, and she is not showing him that he needs help.
Hey HF. In regards to your speculation that he was about take another big step towards OW and wanted to test his feelings for you in first, I say not a chance.
Nobody (certainly no male) plans a next big step like that. They just do it. They fall into to deeper relationships with someone. They don't rationally sit down and say "Ok. I want to amp things up with OW, but first I will test out HF" That's just silly (sorry). If he wanted that next step, he'd take it and not worry about you. This is a WAS were talking about not some trained DB'r.
Much more likely is that he had feelings about you. Like a moth to a flame, he came floating to you. Then he touched the flame and jumped back. We know how moth's work though. He'll be back.
Hey hope- Sorry i've been a little MIA from your thread today...as you know, i've been struggling over on mine.
As usual, you've gotten a lot of great advice. Try to go back to what you were doing. I appreciate you sharing what your friend told you...i think it probably helped a lot of us LBS.
I hope that you had a good day. I know its hard, but keep your chin up. Take care of you!
March 4th, Thank you for sharing that about your brother. I enjoy hearing about the success stories and what those LBS's had to endure during their separation. Thanks, too for the encouragement. It helps when others still see hope in this. Maybe I'm too close to it to be able to see the big picture in focus.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Pretend that Monday didn't happen as best that you can. Stop worrying about OW. I know it sucks, but there is nothing that you can do other than be a great person yourself. And we all know that you are a great person, the thing is projecting it, so that your H gets reminded.