Just a quick reply before we’re off for spring break…. I think my situation is a little different from Fran’s, or most others posting here and in the MLC forum. I was the one feeling like an MLC was coming on. Everyone else here is the spouse of an MLCer. My feelings grew more intense after we were already in counseling and things seemed to go from bad to worse. But we stayed in counseling, which did help me understand the many issues at play with the both of us. Deep down I think all MLCers know their anger is projected, and the spouse does not deserve to bear the full brunt of that (though they may still deserve a lot of it).
It was the confrontation with an intractable situation that forced me listen to that voice and take a look at myself. That was not too long before I started researching the web and watching this site. At the time I was locked in a pretty strong power struggle with W (which still comes and goes) over everything under the sun. I knew something had to change or divorce was certain. The closer you get to divorce, the less of a fantasy it becomes, the less you think about freedom, the ability to meet someone new, to be happy, and the more you start to focus on the grim reality of splitting – giving up the house, losing most of your assets, not seeing your kids as much, feeling lonely and extremely angry this had to happen. I know my wife began to realize many of these things too.
I believe the progression of our fighting had the effect of rattling both our cages. But I also knew it was important to do this, to at least rattle her cage because I always felt she was in denial of life after divorce. I thought she looked at divorce as entering Shangri La, since she always seemed to have a “death wish” for divorce.
I think that fear is what prompted me to start looking inward more. But it was damn hard to do so because it meant giving in to my enemy. I went about it by discussing other people’s issues rather than my own. I could see so many things going on there seemed so clear to me, at least from the male POV. I knew that my arguing those points would pull me into looking at myself, and in some ways, I wouldn’t be responsible for turning the microscope on myself. It is all about ego. And as Blackfoot once stated, this type of discussion slowly becomes absorbed into your thinking, since you are preaching the change you need to do yourself (I think we are all doing this). I thought this was the least painful approach for me.
There is also an element of one-upmanship involved here. I determined to become the healthier spouse and not have to listen to her lectures about how dysfunctional I or my family was. Before, I could not argue back much because I was ignorant of the field. This was her area of study, not mine. (I now see how much one-sided BS she was throwing around.) We have a long way to go to get healthy and move into a comfortable, close relationship again. But I hope the competition of “who can be healthier” will move us in the right direction, rather than the wrong one, at least until the competition is no longer needed.
All this seems contrary to what I am currently telling Blackfoot, since I was getting on him about ego and humility. But I am not telling him to do so in front of his ex or to bow down to her. He will find the perfect male version of relinquishing his ego without sacrificing his pride and keeping the upper hand in the relationship. I am waiting to hear how he goes about this.
So in short, my process helped me to empower myself, pull out of my funk and feel good about myself because I was doing something to save the family. For someone in that condition, this sense of purpose and self worth is invaluable. W also wanted to avoid divorce, so she reacted positively and addressed some of my complaints which further helped to make me happy.
And before anyone chimes in about needing to establish a “differentiated sense of self” instead of a “reflected sense of self,” well, that is the next task. (I am also very surprised there is not more discussion of this and Schnarch’s other thoughts on this board. Why is that?)
