I must apologize because I think I have misunderstood you situation. From what you are saying now, it sounds more like your H is/was in a mid life crisis scenario. If I understand this correctly, then he is detached, angry, depressed, blames you for everything, has his ups and downs in direct relation to whether you give him what he wants or not. You might look on the MLC board, and I’ve posted some there but I found the bulk of the opinions to be more spouse bashing and venting than anything else. Lots of anger.
Not that long ago I felt like I was in the same situation. Relations were bad, no sex, little communication, lots of anger and resentment, defense shields at maximum strength, phasers set to stun. There’s no shortage of books on MLC, describing it as a true sickness. I think that’s a bunch of BS. I can tell you that I felt depressed, beaten down, out of hope, estranged from the family (even though I was home everyday and doing things with the kids).
I see now that this feeling was due to many things. Some that I can think of are: · Projection of anger toward my mother onto my wife (who did a lot to enflame that anger) · A sense of self pity, a longing for sympathy and understanding, feeling my W did not hear me, nor want to hear me · Acting out in a passive aggressive way and not empowering myself · Responding to a shift in the relationship, trying to regain balance, reduce my feelings of anxiety and fear of abandonment · An unwillingness in my wife to help alleviate my fears, which actually empowered her · All this resulted in great frustration on my part, and manifest in anger.
From this list, you can see that my advice to listen to your husband, give him acknowledgement and a sense of control can help to get the two of you out of this stuck situation. It will not cure the problems, since those go much deeper. But superficially, I think this can help.
I still disagree with your actions at the party. You have good reason for doing so, at least from your point of view. But it sounds like a lot of justification to act out of anger and vengeance. His affair was wrong, but it does not entitle you to flirt in front of him at a party. You did this to get even. You know that will get you no where.
You and Blackfoot say he should protect and defend you against other men at the party. That is true, and if her were posting on this board, I think many would tell him just that. But he is not. Also, you are an adult and responsible for your actions. Just because he does not defend you as you would like, does not mean you were right.
I’m glad you’ve got a job. But don’t use it to get affection from other men just to feel better about yourself or make your husband jealous. That will backfire. You two are walking too close to divorce to be playing these games. Do you want the marriage to recover or do you want to get even?
If you think of your husband as a quitter, I’m sure he will sense that from you too. If you feel this way about him, why did you fight to get him back? Do you feel you deserve to be with a quitter? Do you think this about yourself? Your need for affirmation from men is saying something about your sense of self esteem. You depend too much on your husband and others to confirm your sense of self. Either that, or your comment about him being a quitter is just made out of anger.
