Raising the Happiness Bar

[haphazard]

Cobra and BF, thanks a bunch for taking time with me and trying to twist my head around into man-think. It's kind of a weird and wacky world and I have taken this long to reply because I am taking a while to get into what you guys are trying to say.

Cobra said : Exactly what is he falling short on? It seems to me he is sticking by you, giving his best to move the family forward, and all he hears in return are your complaints. I understand you have very valid reasons to complain. But your perceptions of what is wrong come from four sources – 1) what you do, 2) what he does, 3) how you perceive things, 4) how he perceives things.

Cobra he does not hear nothing but complaints from me, I save my complaining (or most of it) for here. I know enough abut DBing to know that complaining won't get me anywhere. If anything he is the one that does nothing but complain. I have got plenty I could complain about but I don't. Friends tell me that I put up with a LOT and I am not even complaining to them, just talking about what I'm busy with or whatever and they point out that this is stuff they leave to their H's.

Maybe he does hear complaints but I would submit that it might be something to do with his hearing rather than my speaking.

What is he falling short on? Pretty much everything except the money part. You say he is sticking by me, Cobra how can you say that when you know HE is the one who had the affair? Who is sticking by whom here? When I say everything I mean, interaction with the family, interaction with me, sex, acting like he could care less I exist, paying any interest in what I am doing, helping round the house, taking care of the car, being involved at mealtimes, coming on family visits.

In spite of your apologies for your behavior at the party, I would not be so forgiving to you.
I think he had no choice, you are the HD partner Cobra, my H is not. My H has not initiated sex with me for a long time. I have been forgiving of him having a full-on A and walking out on me and you are saying he should not be so forgiving of me acting a bit amorous at a wild drunken party where a lot of people were doing silly things.

BF said in a LTR cherishing protecting is required and I agree with that, I do not feel cherished or protected by my H. He pretty much left me to my devices at the party, he did not hang out with me or have is arm around me. These behaviours from him are not the behaviours of a loving H who cherishes his woman and wants to protect her from advances by other males. Everything we do is very instinctual, we are but apes underneath, and male apes understand when there is no other male around to protect a female so they take their chances. My own defences were down because I was drunk.

Then, go get some training to start a new career, find a job, anything to give yourself the sense of empowerment and self sufficiency you need. Then you will stop demanding that your H provide this for you and you can just provide it for yourself. Cobra I have a job, I just started my job in October and it is a good job where I can really pick up my career again. I am getting more empowerment and self-sufficiency, I think that is exactly the problem as my H sees it, he can see me slipping away from him. I have a life, friends, hobbies I enjoy, a job, and now it looks like OM are interested in me.

I kind of worry that H is something of a quitter that if he feels he is losing he will not fight. When he walked out 3 years ago and had an A I fought to get him back, I did not give up easily. Now I feel he can't really be bothered to do the same for me. I am not close to walking out but I am sick of being the one carrying this load and he knows I am, we have talked about it, we have talked about the fact that the R is in trouble we have talked about ways to make it better. We have mostly talked (i.e. he has yelled and screamed at me) about things I can do to make it better. He does not seem willing to shoulder any responsibility to make it better.

BF:
Guys, she IS going to translate what you say. So when you say something make her 'feel'. Make her feel protected, special, possesesd. Yes I said that word. Im even really going to go out there and say. Enforce her boundaries for her. Yep she might act pissed, b!tch, moan, etc. Its a test. are you a man or her girlfriend? IF she is fighting with you thats good. IF You ignore her some OM wont. and thats exactly what making a logical comment to a woman will make her feel. ignored.
This is so true but it is not a one way street y'know. Guys do not have the monopoly on logic, I can logic with the best of them and when I do that to my H he gets all upset and starts talking about feelings. Please BF if you have any insights into how I can make my H FEEL like he da man then please let me know. I know logic doesn't get through to him. LOL

Fran