Blackfoot has some good advice in his reply. Read it carefully, and when doing so, also consider my comments about your husband’s business and money. Ask yourself, if you were in his shoes, besides changing his attitude and style of delivery, what else should he do to fulfill his role as husband and provider? Exactly what is he falling short on? It seems to me he is sticking by you, giving his best to move the family forward, and all he hears in return are your complaints. I understand you have very valid reasons to complain. But your perceptions of what is wrong come from four sources – 1) what you do, 2) what he does, 3) how you perceive things, 4) how he perceives things.
At the moment I can see fault with him only in what he does regarding his interaction with you, his delivery, anger, etc. I don’t mean to minimize this as I know it is a huge issue to you. But at this point he is not going to change any of this first. You must take the lead. In his mind he is doing his best. He is working hard to provide for the family. This is point 2.
You are getting some insight on his board as to how he perceives things. In spite of your apologies for your behavior at the party, I would not be so forgiving to you. I think all of us keep walls up to protect our selves and put forth the image we want. Every now and then a crack appears which lets others see inside ourselves. The alcohol cracked your façade and some of your true inner feelings came out. That is what really troubles your H, and your apologies may fall short in his mind. He knows you well enough to know whether he should heed what he saw through your crack or ignore it.
But this situation also created a crack in his walls. His display of jealousy speaks loads. If he is of a mind to dump you and move on, I would guess he would not have said a thing, would have stood back and watched you to see how far you would take things, just to confirm his suspicions and build his rationale for leaving. But he didn’t do that. What more confirmation of his feelings do you need? This is point 4.
Which brings me to point 3. Your actions were based on your insecurities and need to trigger affirmation from him. Even though you say you were not aware of what you were ding, I do not believe it and I don’t think you husband does either. In such an inebriated state with all inhibitions removed, what did this flirting, seductive behavior take dominance? Why didn’t you get up on a table and sing, or start telling jokes, or pick a fight, or anything else than become seductive? To me, a person’s actions in this type of situation speaks volumes. And I believe it is based on your perceptions of yourself and you marriage.
You confession of your fears is getting close to the truth. You are not there yet. There is still another layer to peel back. Find that layer of why you are afraid and then you can start to move forward. This will affect how you feel about yourself, helping to address point 3, which in turn will affect point 1.
The problem is I have always been a stand on my own two feet type of person – just the way I was raised.
This does not surprise me at all. I am married to someone like this. I believe this desire to be strong, independent, self-sufficient comes from FOO issues. If you are as my W, then I will guess that you are actually angry with your H for being needy, for wanting support and affirmation, because as a child you did not get enough of this and was angry at other kids who did. To cover the hurt, you convince yourself they are weak. You grew to despise them. Now, because of you conditioning, your react the same way to your H.
This is not to fault you. It is not your fault. But you are still projecting this anger while at the same time wanting that compassion and support to be given to you. Can you see how this could drive your husband crazy? I sure hope so because this same stuff from my W drives me crazy.
My advice to you is two fold. First, get to the bottom of your FOO, figure out what bothers you, accept it, find out how it infiltrates your attitudes and actions, and do you best to change. Then, go get some training to start a new career, find a job, anything to give yourself the sense of empowerment and self sufficiency you need. Then you will stop demanding that your H provide this for you and you can just provide it for yourself. This will let you drop your demands on him. It will stop him feeling that you are trying to control him (which you are) and he will gain more respect for you, which is also what you want.
