It’s not great. H and I got a babysitter and went out last night to see a movie. The movie was set to start at 9pm so we booked babysitter for 8pm so we could have a drink and chat before the movie. It took about 2 minutes for us to get into a row, and ended with H walking out and leaving me to watch the movie on my own.
The gist of the argument was this: H started to tell me about some good news regarding his business, two of his big clients have set their budgets for the coming financial year and have confirmed his slice of the pie. He feels secure now that he can make what he made last year in the first six months of this year – so that is great. Here I maybe didn’t lay it on thick enough with the WOA. I then started to talk about our domestic budget. Last year we were struggling (mainly because of the tax position we were in). He has set a domestic budget for this year to be the same as last year. So I mentioned that I had been thinking about it and realised that because of the different tax position the net amount that we could afford to put into the joint account each month is actually slightly higher, without affecting what we take out of the business. He immediately jumped on me for this and accused me of just wanting to blood-suck out of the business. Just seeing it as a vehicle for making my life easier while he is working his butt off etc etc. Anyway the row just degenerated to a position where he wasn’t willing to listen or be sensible and he said “you’re just pissing me off” and walked out. When I got back from seeing the movie, I got into bed he was asleep. This morning I got up at 6.30, did housework, got kids ready for school and left for work. He was still sleeping (or acting asleep).
Anyway here is an e-mail I would like to send. I was just hovering the mouse over the SEND button but thought I would post it here and get some opinions first.
Why can’t you just see me for who I am instead of seeing me as some kind of permanent thorn in your side. I am not out to get you or after all your money or trying to piss you off or trying to control you. I am just trying to have an equitable and sensible grown-up relationship with you. I would like to be able to express myself and have ideas about what we should do without you always putting some sort of negative spin on what I say that makes you look like the poor hard-working martyr and me look like some scheming bitch. It doesn’t really matter what I say or do you will always manage to make out that I am a horrible person for it. You are in a bad place through your own making and you continually seek to blame me for it. Well it can just stop and stop right now. I have had enough of being your whipping boy. I will not longer accept being shouted at about something trivial because you have had a [censored] day.
If you feel negatively about things that I say, then please give yourself some space and time to ask yourself why you feel negative about it without instantly launching an unwarranted attack on me.
I can’t go any further with this on my own I’ve tried and tried to do what you seem to want and I’m not getting anywhere with it you just keep moving the goalposts. It is my belief now that your misery is your own. It is of your own making or it is something you have had within you for so long that you can’t even remember where it comes from. You look to me to make it better but that is not within my power no matter how hard I try. The only person who has the power to do that is you. You tell me things that I can do to make you happier but none of them work, not because I don’t try hard enough but because you are looking in the wrong place for a fix.
I am no more selfish then the next person. I am benign towards you. I want to do the best for us and the kids. Every single day I work hard to provide things that you and the kids need and every single day I spend time thinking about how I can do things to make our relationship better. I can only do so much of this without making myself ill so I also spend time doing things to keep myself mentally and physically healthy. And it is time you took more responsibility for your own mental and physical well-being. My contribution is to continually start each new day afresh, let bygones be bygones, to continually allow your crap behaviour to wash off and to start again with a positive attitude
That’s it.
Thanks for looking
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
