It's true that it is better to set boundaries earlier but sometimes you just can't see that they are boundaries and that you should be setting them. I bet your W didn't even realise you were playing mind games to control her which was why she didn't call you out. I have taken this stuff from my H for years without truly realising what was happening until the last couple of years. I just would try to defend myself, maybe point out where he wasn't so great either etc, rather than recognising his outburts for what they were and putting a stop to them.
My FOO always had point scoring fights where you would just pick on someone and they would pick on you back and whoever made the other one storm off and slam the door was the winner, which is why I have had trouble understanding that sometimes walking away from a fight is the best way to deal with it. Especially if this is laid down as a boundary beforehand rather than during, and if it is done in a totally calm manner.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
