I found a boundary I know can make stick! I have heard so much about boundaries on this board and I know that I absolutely suck at defining and maintaining boundaries. So much so that I really had a hard time thinking what a boundary could be.
It finally came to me the other night when a stupid row erupted over what there was to eat. H had been working hard all day (Saturday) and hadn't really achieved much because of people letting him down so he was in a pretty down mood. And as usual he had been sucking back beers all evening without eating anything I had a feeling I would get the rough end of it at some point and sure enough I did - just miserable complaints about what I had cooked. The row was bad and he called me on raising my voice, I called him on the fact that it really was not about me but about the sh!t day he had had. I then walked away. About half an hour later he came upstairs where I was watching TV and told me off for walking away and said it was up to me to reconcile the argument. In fact he called it my TURN, which I looked puzzled at and said I wasn't aware there were turns.
Anyway I let him go to bed and fall asleep before turning in myself.
The next morning I got up and D4 and I made breakfast and took a tray up to Daddy, I kissed him and said it was just to show that I forgave him for last night. He looked a bit taken aback by that but didn't say anything. The rest of the day was fine.
My BOUNDARY is that I refuse to be shouted at over nothing when the real issue is elsewhere. This has happened so much in our M but I always react and take him up on whatever he has decided to pick on me for. Now I am just going to say: I refuse to engage in an argument that is not about me and walk away. If he says it IS about me then I will say, OK I am prepared to listen but lets save it until a time when you have eaten and not had too much to drink.
He knows as well as I do that he does this to me, he has admitted it and apologised for it in the past but he has never changed the behaviour. That is why I know I have to enforce it has a boundary. I also know I can because I can always see it coming a mile away.
watch this space!
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
- just miserable complaints about what I had cooked. The row was bad and he called me on raising my voice, I called him on the fact that it really was not about me but about the sh!t day he had had. I then walked away. About half an hour later he came upstairs where I was watching TV and told me off for walking away and said it was up to me to reconcile the argument. In fact he called it my TURN, which I looked puzzled at and said I wasn't aware there were turns.
