Hmm, what are the "stop" signs in UK? Last time I was in London I only remember always turning my head to watch for traffic and always getting it backwards. Look right--car zooms by from left. Look left at next crossing, lorrie barreling from my right. Bollocks! Bloody hell.... At least you learnt to swear properly!
-- Why is he unhappy? And, no, can't be you. If we're not happy with ourselves we'll never display/encourage our mates to be happy.
What are his short/mid/long term goals? Hopes? Dreams? Have you asked? We don't really talk much Stig, he hides himself away with his computer night after night, if we do talk it is either did you remember to buy milk or him dumping his awful day off on me.
-- How's your communication? No, he doesn't like being nagged, I'm sure, as you probably agree. The booze will be the last and toughest. Maybe he can scale it back a bit for now?
Our communication sucks! I have suggested cutting back on booze to him. I recently printed off some information about alcoholism and was going to give it to him but in fact he found it himself and read it, which I was pleased about. He understood that he drinks way too much and that he is very close or already physically addicted to alcohol. A week or two later I suggested that he scale back a little before he makes a concerted effort to tackle it properly but have been stonewalled. Tried changing your diets slowly? Start cooking fresh veggies? Fruits. Lean meats. Cut out refined sugars, white flour, starch, coconut/palm oils? Stig, you don't need to tell me how to eat healthily! I do and the kids do, H refuses to and always has done since we were first married, there is absolutely nothing I haven't tried to get him to eat more veggies or fruit.
BTW, I had your fish n chips served in a newspaper over there. Blech! It's okay for food to have flavor! (and don't get me started on bangers n mash.) Don't get ME started on McDonalds!
Maybe you could encourage him to exercise first? Proven depression fighter. Only need 30 min. to start. Walk. Lift weights. That's it. Yes I have tried to encourage exercise too, honestly Stig he is stubborn as a mule, he has chosen a lifestyle for himself which is basically the heart attack special and he point blank refuses to make even the smallest change. I long ago gave up nagging him about it, I do set an example by not smoking, not drinking heavily, eating healthy foods and taking regular exercise but there is really nothing more I can do.
Sounds insecure. Why? Low self-image/worth? Was he overly criticized as a child? Is he in a rut? Hate his job? What makes him laugh? I have no idea why he is insecure or has low self-image and it's not as if I haven't tried to talk to him about it over the years. His parents are sweetie-pies, possibly overly protective and a tad perfectionist, but like I said to Landica it is soooo minor compared to some people's backgrounds.
-- Signs of a depressive. Constant contrarian. Scrooge to the Cratchetts. And he says you are sometimes "insensitive?" I'll bet he's hypersensitive to an extreme. Oh my GOD! Hypersensitive is not the word for it. I cannot make any sort of remark that might possibly be construed as a criticism, most of which never were or ever would be meant as such but are taken that way anyway.
Do you validate him even if it feels like work? I know, it sucks. But he sounds like he needs his ego stroked, bolstered, encouraged. Doesn't sound like he gets any of that from within. What regular praise do you give him?
Probably not as much as he needs. But I feel like I'm laying it on with a trowel, and often it feels like he sees through that. He has always been very good at rebuffing praise too.
...and I bet office guy was fresh-faced breeze to enter your life at a vulnerable time, eh? Sun/charm/humor opposed to H gray clouds of no humor, neediness, lack of confidence? Tempting to be sure. Glad you saw it for what it was. No fix. Temporary escape. Worst reason on Earth to destroy deep bonds of an M and all of that early happiness/EC before normal drudgery sets in everyone faces. Yes you are right, normal drudgery sets in after a while. But that wasn't the only reason I did not push things with work-guy. The main reason was to save my own pride, this guy was 15 years younger than me and gorgeous! My ego could not have taken the rebuff.
What would he do if you were to suddenly jump on him as he was sitting there on the sofa in a funk and started gleefully tickling him? If he'd laugh I'd try that. Gets all kinds of "fun" brain chemicals buzzing...not to mention a good hurting belly laugh works wonders on clearing the clouded mind.
Oh God, I wish, the playful side of me no longer exists around him Stig, so many times have I been irritably batted off. He spends most of his evenings in front of the computer, which makes it hard to playfully do ANYTHING. If I go near him when he's at the puter I might as well sign my own death warrant.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
