Hugs. I know how hard it is to be with someone who is always down.
I wonder (and forgive me if this has already been addressed) does your H (to use the in-vogue term) *own* his unhappiness? Or does he blame it all on you or on other external circumstances? Does he think that somehow it's your responsibility to "fix" it? No it is my responsibility to fix it.
Or is the pressure to make things better more internal? That is, it is you who feels that you *should* be doing more to help someone you care about and feeling frustrated/angry when your strategies aren't working? Yes that too. Or it has been for a long time, more recently I have realised that he needs to "own" it and I have tried hard to detach and not feel that I should sort it out.
Also, for me, based on my own personal situation, (and, again, forgive me if this has already been discussed to death) the excessive drinking sounds like a huge RED FLAG.
My H always said that he "needed" to drink or "deserved" to drink because he was so unhappy.
I could never explain in a way that he would listen to what seemed to me a glaringly obvious fact. He didn't drink because he was unhappy. He was unhappy because he drank.
Absolutely
Now, I may be totally wrong (and I hope I am) and alcohol abuse may have nothing to do with your situation, but through my long-ago participation in Alanon, I've learned that, basically, nothing can get better until (if it exists) the alcoholism is addressed.
Just something to think about. And I could be completely off-base, since I'm so sensitized to alcohol abuse by my own situation. No you are not off base Landica, he is an alcoholic. This is something I have only allowed myself to realise fairly recently although he has been drinking heavily for a very long time. He will drink 5 or 6 pints (that's English pints i.e. 20 oz) of Kronenbourg or Stella every night. If he doesn't drink beer then he will drink 1.5 bottles of wine. He never has a night off and he rarely drinks less than that. Sometimes he will drink more. He is a very quiet alcoholic, he does not become raging drunk, he never drives if he has had even one drink. This is why, I think, (apart from denial) that I have not picked up on it until recently even though he has done this for at least 10 years. I have no idea why he is an alcoholic. There appears to be no real reason why he should be. His parents are perfectly nice, loving people. They are still together and are in fact very affectionate and kind to each other. I know he has always felt somehow left out of the little love story that was/is his parents + elder brother. And on several occasions his father has told me that H was difficult as a child. But it all seems so minor compared to more serious FOO issues that many people suffer from. I am sitting here writing this after another ridiculous argument with him that almost always comes about when he has spent the evening drinking and hasn't eaten anything. Lately he has pretty much stopped eating anything I cook. He subsists on junk food. He blames it on my inability to cook properly or to consider the sorts of things he likes to eat. This is hurtful but it is in fact nonsense. Friends and family are always complimenting me on my cooking, I enjoy it and I am happy to cook all kinds of different sorts of food. This was something we used to enjoy together in the early days but I guess for an alcoholic eventually nothing comes above alcohol in the scheme of things and food has finally made it off the list as has sex. Michele's book Divorce Remedy does in fact state that if there is alcoholism or any substance abuse then it is pretty much hopeless to try and bust the divorce. After three years of trying I am afraid I'm starting to agree with her.
thanks for your thoughts
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
