Hi all, I've been lurking for a while and could really use your input!
For about the last 2 years or so (since our last child) I have had no desire for sex. I don't think about it, don't initiate it, don't even miss it. In the past I have rolled over and let him get on with the job just to keep him happy, but it was at the expense of my self esteem. Most of our arguments are caused by the lack of 'affection'. We recently saw a counsellor (individually) and it was suggested that I have my hormones tested for imbalances. The results came back that all my hormone levels except for estrogen were under the normal ranges. At first it was 'woo hoo! I am not a nutjob, it's not all in my head' (as my husband has told me many times). Then the doctor said, 'unfortunately, there's not really much we can do about it because they don't really know much about DHEAS which is the steroid/hormone that would be affecting your libido'. Well grrrrreat. What now?
I know that a lot of my lack of desire has manifested from our arguments. The more we argue about it the more turned off the whole thing I get, to the point where I don't even want to touch him in case he gets turned on. We have each seen a counsellor individually and will continue, but now I know there is a physical problem it all seems more complicated and frustrating!
I have been researching stuff on the net about hormone imbalances for the past week but so far have not come across anything I don't already know. How can such a common problem be so overlooked by the medical community?
Think I might try a homeopath...
Thanks for listening!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Get a copy of the book "The Sexy Years" by Suzanne Somers. Believe it or not, there is a wealth of excellent information in it, despite the fact that she played a ditzy blonde on a situation comedy in the 70's. It's geared to menopausal women, but would also be of help to younger women with diagnosed hormonal imbalances. You don't say how old you are, but I'm assuming mid-to-late 30's and more than one child, from what you've posted. Also, sounds to me like one of the prime things for you and your H to work on is communication, but i'm sure you already knew that...
Don't give up on finding other avenues to investigate, such as homeopaths...even endocrinologists (they will test levels your regular Dr's won't.)
Something that is very important for you to keep in mind when it comes to your H though is this.....it's not all about sex for him. It may appear that way to you, but it's not. If he's talking about affection...he's not feeling loved by you.
Many times when we as the HD person are not feeling loved one of the things that seems to come to the forefront is that we miss sex, it's not just the act of sex itself....it's the connection, it's the physical interaction with the person we love, it's bonding, it's the endorphines that give you those warm fuzzies. It's many, many things that come with that act.
When our spouse rejects us (which is I'm sure how your H feels, rejected) that affects a person in so many ways. Self-esteem, self-perception....it can lead to a person feeling unloved, unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated, ignored, discounted, and shut out....which can lead to depression, anger, resentment ect.
I bring this stuff up even though I know you've been lurking on here for some time....sometimes we need to hear that what we are doing has these reprocussions on the person we are with. In your mind, you aren't interested in "sex"....but does that mean you cannot show affection to your H? Does that mean you cannot conciously meet some of his needs?
You seem to be looking for solutions to this problem, I give you a great deal of credit for this. Since it is obviously causing problems for the two of you though....and I'm sure your H is having a great deal of difficulty understanding this...do you think he would see a MC with you while you two work through this? It might help him to understand where you are coming from, help to dispell some of the anger that is also not helping the situation. It might also show your H how much you want to work through this to find some sort of a solution.
Sparkles, (yes I know I misspelled your handle, but the other one is so sad!) What things make you feel closer to your H?
I tend to feel closer to him when we share things with each other, talking and such.
What times do you feel closer to him? Can you intentionally create more of those experiences?
Secondly, could you be one of the many many people who experience desire after arousal? Meaning, you may be searching for the magic cure for raising your libido and it may be that your body just works differently. Do you find yourself becoming desirous once things get going? Could you set up a schedule, say once per week, and see how that works?
Whatever you do, I would NOT wait around for your body to suddenly start desiring sex, as a prerequisite for making love. It may never happen and your marriage will go down the tubes in the meantime. In other words, continue to research and try to discover the root of the problem but be actively addressing the lack of sex in the interim.
Good luck to you; that must be supremely frustrating. As a woman, I can empathize with the complete lack of understanding about our bodies and even further lack of interest in understanding them.
Thanks so much for your replies. I will give you some more info. My hubby and I are both 33 and have been together for 14 years or so (we have only ever slept with each other!). We have 2 boys aged 4 1/2 and 2 years.
Everything GEL said is right regarding my husband's feelings, he does feel 'unloved' but on the other hand he tends to smother me which makes me pull away. We really need to find a happy medium I guess! Ever since having the kids I just can't stand being touched in a sexual way. I just want my body to myself sometimes. I have asked him countless times if he can just hug me without having to touch me in a sexual manner all the time. He has improved slightly but his other brain takes over more often than not!
The other unfortunate side effect from these imbalances is that my memory is terrible and any literary eloquence I used to have has gone out the window. This is very frustrating as I always was pretty good at both and now I have to really think hard about the simplest thing. So please forgive me if I stop making any sense (because I have probably forgotten what I was talking about).
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
I want to try to help you understand why you H is "smothering" you...he's trying desperately to reach you, to get through to you, to have affection from you. Unfortunately this is what I would call a knee-jerk reaction in his situation...it's something I think many of us HD folks here on the BB did/have done....and it had the same affect on our SO as it's having on you...making you pull away. I just want you to be aware of why he's doing it.
To help the two of you communicate for the short-term...would you both consider seeing a MC? I think the two of you could greatly benefit. Also, I think in your sitch a homeopath could really help as well.
Another question for you...when you two talk about this problem (and please tell me you do talk about it) how would a conversation between the two of you go? We might be able to give you some pointers on how to make yourself clear to you H....or give you ideas on how to come to compromise.
I could have wrote your first post for you. Matter of fact I think I did about 6 months ago.
If you read my first thread you will see I was exactly where you are. Big ole bag of sexual resentment weighing me down. Listen to what Gel and HP and the rest tell you about how this is not just about sex but so much more. It took me a while but I finally got it. And things are much better in the bedroom then they were 6 months ago.
My first thread Thread for Chrissy. (Forgot how to link these things). Might help you see you are not alone in the way you are feeling.
Hubby and I do have good conversations where we both explain our feelings in depth, the problems arise when one of us gets resentful and stops talking altogether. Then we have a fight and it can go on for days. We are really trying to work on breaking this pattern as we realise how destructive it is. Before kids we rarely fought, especially over such emotional issues, so we tend to go round in circles now, not knowing how to resolve anything. Okay, the little voice in my head is telling me that I should tell you that we both are stubborn as mules which doesn't help things! Yep, ego has to go I know. Hope you all had a good weekend.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
How do you prevent the smothering? It just seems to me that even the most minimal levels of affection or sex are smothering to ND spouses. If a person wants sex three times a week and the other spouse never wants sex, there IS NO middle ground.
