My wife just uttered these words to me and told me she is leaving...my world feels like it has crashed around me and she tells me there is no way to stop her. She is angry and we have not worked on resolving any issues...she just feels that the only solution is to get out NOW! I do not want to let her go, but everything I have read says pull back while every fibre of my being wants to drill for answers. How do you watch someone you love so much walk away and not do anything? Please help me understand this!
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Confucius (551-479 BC) - Chinese philosopher
Everything that seems like it will do good...Talking rationally, pleading begging, telling her you will change, demanding...all these things, all of them, will push her away and validate her in her mind.
I think the board you want is mid-life crisis, the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" is pretty standard for mid-life crisis...and I am sorry man, cause if it is a MLIC, then you are in for the long haul.
If you wife is worth fighting for, then your marriage is worth waiting for.
Pulling back is the correct thing to do, read Michele's book Divorce Remedy. Post here for support. Read the book, highlight it, and avoid the mistakes most people make BEFORE reading the book. It is THAT good.
How can someone do that...it is hard. It is very hard, but your journey to the end of this will be much much easier if you do.
Good luck.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks Jack...I am going out this morning to buy DR, but how do you get passed all the mixed signals that she throws at me. She started sleeping with her pj's on the other week...last night she wears them to bed again and in the middle of the night, takes them off and snuggles up close to me and wants to 'spoon'. My mind was a huge ball of spaghetti for the rest of the night. I barely slept! Is it a game, is it her missing the closeness? Then she wakes up in the morning, and I tell her "that was nice lying like that" and she responds by saying..."Don't read anything into it"? What gives? I'm so confused! It makes me believe that she is confused too?!?! How do you pull back from that when I crave the closeness and she does that?
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Confucius (551-479 BC) - Chinese philosopher
It certainly seems like a game doesn't it? I think I can answer part of that...it is not a game to you. As for her...control, maybe. I am not the wisest person here, but I understand what you are going through, a part of it. I really do, heh, I wouldn't be posting on these boards if I didn't.
How do you get past the mixed signals? hrnmm I see you play hockey as a hobby, first off best sport in the world...you start the season with a goal in mind, winning the championship, right? you shrug off the losses and focus on what works to get to that goal. Focus on what works. Read DR, and do all the stuff that is hard. I will say this as a guy, pulling no punches. If you cannot do the hard stuff, then you aren't going to reach that goal as fast, if ever.
JRY, Go to the Mid Life Crisis Boards, look up the MLC Resource thread and read the hell out of them, see if this is what your W is doing, I think it is, but I am pretty new here too.
Be strong, Life only gives you what you can handle.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well, on went the clothes again last night and slept far away from me...if I moved closer she would move...my head is mush!
I have a HUGE meeting with a client today and have to focus. I am trying to throw myself into work, but it is hard to stay motivated when you are self employed and you need your energy and strength each day.
All the reading I have been doing on the site and in books, tapes etc...this can be overcome...but the waiting part until your WAS figures it out...if their pride is too strong and they are too proud to admit fault...is there any hope they will come back? Please!
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Confucius (551-479 BC) - Chinese philosopher
Any hope that they come back. YES pulling this number out of the MLC boards. 80% of MLC's come back.
Thats a good number. Hold onto hope. Don't push, don't pressure and do not pursue. Although at this early stage, I am willing to bet that any advice given is going to be like telling a cat to "stay". Read the book, follow it.Do what works, find out what works, and take baby steps, look for the small good signs.
There is no magic bullet, there is no quick fix, put that out of your head, yours is not the exception to the rule.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I just can't believe how cold she gets at the drop of a hat. I know she has a lot of anger inside, but what is the magic behind letting them go and seeing if they come back? Why can't we talk like we did when we first met? Why do we treat marriages so much differently than we do a same sex friendship.
I just spoke with her while between shifts to see who was picking up the kids from school as she is still living in the house, but has constant plans on the go with everyone but me. She's having lunch with a friend from Church. I couldn't even get on her schedule a month ago just to go have coffee...but everyone else could...I should have seen the signs.
We were supposed to "talk" tomorrow night and now she has taken an extra shift at work and will not be home until 3:00 in the morning. She waitresses in a Sports bar and I worry that she is going out after she is off and just telling me she works till close. She has asked me NOT to stop into the bar when she is working...is she hiding something or am I paranoid?
We made love less than 2 weeks ago and she tells me one week later she is leaving...I bought tickets to see "Evita" at the theatre weeks before she told me she was leaving...now she says she isn't going to go. 2 tickets anyone?
How did I let it get this far and why didn't she say something sooner...or why didn't I listen sooner?
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Confucius (551-479 BC) - Chinese philosopher
