Hi Flutterbyme... I read through your thread, and our sitch's are a lot alike. I think our H's are both feeling confused and guilty, and I know in my case, there's a lot of anger, not necessarily because of me, but he directs it at me. In your last post, you basically told your H the same thing that I wrote to mine last week. While I don't totally know what is working for me or not, I do know that if you are going to tell them you love them unconditionally, that is what you have to do, back it up, you know? It seems to take the pressure off the R, and it makes ME feel better, for a couple reasons, it's like acting "as if" you'll be fine regardless, you'll actually start believing it and then knowing it. And when my H sees detachment starting, he starts paying more attention to what i am doing, gets more flirty and sweet, which makes me feel like it is working.
Also, the no R talk makes a big difference, it backs up your detachment, and it keeps them off the defensive. I always wanted to talk R stuff so I could get a status check, but I was never hearing what I wanted to. It seems that when my H comes to me to talk, he's thought out his feelings and is less reactionary. Sure, they never want to talk as much as we do, that's what I use this BB for, and I keep a journal in my hotmail account.
The s@x thing is really hard. I have gone back and forth and am never really strong enough to say no, either. And, whenever we do have any kind of romantic or tender moments, my H pulls away the next day like yours. What is this? Guilt? Regret?I don't know, but I try to not think about it.
And, I wanted to comment on your MIL's death. My husband's dad died when he was 18 (he's 35 today), and that has been a major theme since he started counseling a few weeks ago. His C says that he never went through the stages of grieving, so he has never resolved himself with losing his dad,and becasue of his age at the time, it's had a huge effect on him, hence, the whole "taking care of the 18 year old." Who knows what kind of mental effect your MIL's death has had on your H, all of those emotions can be so confusing.
Anyway, this is all long-winded and scattered, and maybe even a hijack..really the only thing I know thatt I can share with you is that the more you take care of yourself the better you'll feel about yourself, and it is easier to project that towards your H. In turn, he is more responsive and interested. It really is like being someone they want to date, but with the advantage of history.
