Well, it has now officially been three times in the past two months of H and OWs two and a half month long R that he has "broken up" with her and come running back to me on ly to go back to her again right away.The first two times all I really got was a couple of days, no commitment. Then, exactly one week to the day after I sent him the aforementioned email (in my last long post!) that he invited me to meet him out, and then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to get back together. He had a "change of heart". Well, we got back together (first time he EVER said that he really wanted that since the bomb dropped in late August)but something felt wrong, it just seemed too wierd that he changed his mind so drastically so fast, but I went along with it because I really hoped he had seen the light. But 10 days into it he said he felt overwhelmed and wanted out. Back with OW the NEXT DAY. Also, checked his cel phone records - he called her one or two of the nights we were "back together". When we were together I felt sad that he wasn't affectionate enough or enthused enough but I told myself it was just wierd for him, he felt guilty, etc. But he told a friend he "just isn't in love with me anymore" so I guess that is what I was feeling. He told me that it "breaks his heart" to say it but that "after the baby went to bed he just felt like going home to bed" at his apartment. He said it just felt that way the last night we spent together, that he almost had a panic attack because he felt so overwhelmed. He says he is scared that 5 months down the road he won't want to be there and then will have to do this all over again. He also said that we moved too fast but that was all his own doing, in fact I kept asking if he was sure we should move so fast. I think he felt immense guilt over still thinking about OW. I don't get his attraction to her. Everyone in our lives say she is crazy for being with her over me, and he has already expressed that she is too "high maintenance" and nags him already, and that her kid cries all of the time. She cannot be satisfying him or else why would he keep coming back to me, he first called me only one week into their R, and has yet to stop. He says he has no control when it comes to me. So how is he not in love with me?!?! Anyone get it?
My H is also admittedly depressed. He mentioned understanding why people commit suicide, and said several times that he will never be happy or be able to be helped. Hi finances are a wreck and mine are too from helping him and also from his not giving me the money he is supposed to. But when I ask him for it he freaks out, he doesn't have it, needs a new job, etc. Last night he was really mean and nasty when I asked him about money, and I rarely ever do. Maybe twice, three times, in the past few months. Yet he told me I am "hounding" him for money and "driving him crazy", that he wants to give me my money back so he can be "done with this". I think OW was there, he must be trying to paint me as a crazy b*tch so she will not be jealous of me and also so if I ever decided to tell her that he has been cheating on her with me their whole R she will not believe me. But the way he spoke to me broke my heart. I am so sorry that this is so long, but I really need some words of advice here, if anyone can. I worry about my H all of the time, but I can't stay in this cycle anymore. Would anyone advise me filing for a D as a last resort technique? Or just going dark? I have such trouble with that. I don't really call him, most of the time. Just once in a while if it is about arrangements for the baby or something. I am torn btw wanting to stay away from him so he will (maybe?!?!?) get to a point where he misses me and sees me as I am, and being afraid that the OW has finally won him over, therefore not wanting to go dark. I guess I have reached a point where I know he needs to lose me before he can miss me, but yet I get nervous that he might not miss me at all. I know I will be fine either way, anything will be better than the rollercoaster, but I do still love him and keep holding on for a miracle.
