I haven't posted in a while because I have been trying to detach more and focus on other things, but I am finding it all really difficult. No matter how angry I get at him, no matter how strong I may feel one moment, next thing you know I am devastated again. I look at him and I just want to cry. I cannot seem to get it through my head that it is over, yet I feel like that is what I have to start to believe in order to detach.
After the night I posted about last, we spent one more night together and he had supposedly broken up with OW. But I felt so empty at that point, he was here, in my arms, and I could FEEL that he wasn't done with her, could just FEEL that he wasn't ready or wanting to be with me, to make things work. So last Friday, two days after that night, he got nasty with me about a financial issue that HE has screwed up in my name, and I just lost it. Again. Only this time I told him I did not want him back, that he is a differant person, has no respect for me OR OW, that I deserve better, etc. He got nasty and defensive, the whole thing was just messy. I even told him I was going to file for a D, ofcourse he was like "let's go, I will go whenever you want" His reactions were very immature and angry. I won't get into the whole thing, but the last thing i said to him was "you don't deserve me." UGH
Anyway, I ended up getting an apology text (he called me something mean, never has done anything like that before, it really hurt) and later on that night, a apology email. His email was mostly BS, I feel, with him calling his interactions with me lately "staying in touch a bit, strictly harmless" He "never meant to confuse me" Hello?!?!? We were sleeping with eachother! That is not harmless! He also said he wants me to be his friend, but a real friend, not just a friend so that we can get back together (and then said "which we have already established is not gonna happen" - yet he had last said we would be trying to work on our M - so unless he was referencing MY saying I wanted a D??) So I emailed him back and that is what I was hoping to get feedback on. I told him I am sad to say it but that I accept now that we are not getting back together, that I have slowly come to understand that he dooesn't love me anymore, and that I never should have have tried to analyze or fix his emotions, that I understand now that our M had hurt him far more than I ever knew, and that I am so sorry for the role that I played in that, that I never realized I was hurting him and that I will live with that regret forever. That the fears that he has about us getting back together are very real to him and only he knows what is in his heart - again that it was never my place to try to analyze his fears, and that I am sorry I tried to downplay them and that I tried to tell him what was best for him to do. I told him that his life is his own, and that it is up to him to figure it out. In response to his telling me not to hate OW cuz "this has nothing to do with her, she just happened to be there" - I told him "I don't really hate OW, I do not even know her, and do not care about her one way or another." I also told him (cuz he was complaining about my BF telling me what he does since he lives across the hall from her) that since it is over btw us, I will no longer be asking about his business, as it is not my business anymore. That I only started asking a bit after he started sleeping with me while with OW and lying to me. I also told him that if he ever needs to talk that I will listen, as a "real friend" I said nothing to make him feel guilty, nothing to try to pressure him into coming back to me or leaving OW. Tried to validate his feelings and "open the cage door" so to speak. What do u all think? Was any of this a bad move? And any advice on how I should act now? I am trying to go dark but it is really hard w/ a small child, plus a mess of financial problems that we are dealing with. ANd what about being a friend? TO what degree do I need to do that? I want to be there for him, but was hoping that maybe going dark could get him to miss me, especially now that I have tried to let him go - that email was a first for me, from day one I have always either said nothing at all, or maintained that we should work things out, etc, major presure and guilt, no validation at all, in fact have told him there is "something wrong with him" and he needs therapy, etc.
Sorry this is so long, but despite all of the BS he has put me thru, and despite OW, I truly love this man. I do believe he is hurting really badly, and it makes me so sad that I cannot be there for him. I am afraid he will open up to OW and then feel she is the on ewho is there for him, since in his selfish state he won't likely consider the reasons why I am not there (cuz of him!), just that I am not. I wish OW woul djust disappear, b/c although I know if it weren't her it would be someone else, I do wish he would just be ALONE for a while so he could deal with things rather than cover them up. Do the WAS with OPs ever deal with their issues while they have the OPs??? Seems so unlikely. Sorry so long. Just needed to vent and hopefully get some advice. Thanks guys!!!