I have thought about how OW would feel if she knew many times he has tried to sleep with me, and sometimes succeeded. I have even thought about forwarding his texts to her but decided against it. But I do realize that no matter how you look at it, OW is 1) not very important to him or he would not b echeating on her with ME and 2) obviously not fulfilling him sexually or he wouldn't keep running back to me. I do not think she is fulfiling him emotionally either, because he is certainly not emotionally content. He is a confused mess, and also, has been sick on and off for the entire duration of our separation. I believe his bottled up negative feelings are actually causing him physical illness. Anyway, here is a quick breakdown of yesterday, cuz now I am more confused than ever. H called me to say that he was not taking D for entire afternoon, just to lunch, and he did it at the WRONG time. I knew he had been with OW the night before so his "I am sick" excuse pi$$ed me off, and I went off on him. I was hysterical crying. I know it is the WRONG thing to do but I couldn't help it - I lost it. I told him alot of things i know he lies about and that he is running from his problems and being selfish and immature. I told him ALOT of things that I maybe shouldn't have, but my main point was that in jumping right in with OW, he is not giving himself a chance to figure out what went wrong with us or what he really wants, and that he will end up here all over again in a few years, if they make it that far. Told him he is filling a void, that she is the more attractive option right now cuz he can avoid the guilt associated with me and our D, etc etc etc!! How much I love him, how all I wanted was the truth, even if he feels he is in love with her, just say so and I will be able to move on. But he couldn't say it. So he comes over, immediately grabs me, kisses me and wraps me in a huge hug - says "please, I just need some time, can u give me more time???" I said ofcourse, but that he needs to really face everything, not cover it up with OW. We spent afternoon together with our D, had dinner together and then watched a movie and last week's OC after D went to bed. He slept over. Told me he is breaking up with OW.. I said you said that last time and he replied "I thought you were seeing someone." So I assured him that no I am not, I want my marriage back. The night went well, and all thru the night he snuggled me in his sleep. (Also, he coughed all nite during the movie so he really was sick) Anyway, now today he is acting cold again. Maybe he is just acting that way cuz he is sick, but I ofcourse am SICK over it, feeling like he only did that all out of guilt cuz i was so upset and now he regrets it. But overall, no matter why he did it, he seems to not want me to think he is done with us completely. He even was talking again about getting my portrait tattooed on his back, like he used to, but it was after he said he was going to cover up the one with our names in his arm, and i ofcourse got sad, so maybe he tried to cover it up and make me feel better by saying that he was only covering that cuz he wants to do his whole arm in some theme, and that he was getting the portrait to replace it - But if u don't want me to be sad, why say you are covering it in the first place? And why prolong my sadness by saying you are getting the portrait?? I don't know what to think, but I am so distrustful of him right now it breaks my heart. It felt so good to sleep in his arms all night. If he stays with OW this time I think I want to give up. My heart couldn't handle another trip up and down on the rollercoaster Am I jumping the gun on my negativity?? I keep telling myself, maybe he is distant just cuz he is trying to sort things out, be patient. But it is so hard. Especially when everyone tells me he is "playing me" - God, why would he do that??? Wouldn't it make more sense to just be up front - so we could salvage a friendship??? Or is he as confused as I always thought!?!?!
Flutter- Gee, i don't even know what advice to give you, b/c i have felt so many of the same things and am questioning so many things.
Your H being distant after a night of closeness could just be him being scared. My H has done the same thing. We will have an incredible time, and then the next day, he is acting sullen and melancholy. My H told me once how good he felt when he was with me, and how bad he felt when we were apart. As i told hopefloats once, they are like the tides of the sea.
Especially when everyone tells me he is "playing me" - God, why would he do that??? Wouldn't it make more sense to just be up front - so we could salvage a friendship??? Or is he as confused as I always thought!?!?!
I don't know if this is any comfort, but i am told the same thing...that he is manipulating me. But, i have to think that given that so many of these WAH's do such similar things, that it is a by-product of their behaviors (having an affair) and their confusion. I imagine that it doesn't feel too good to be them, cheating on their wives...i am sure they don't feel very good about themselves. I am not trying to make excuses...just trying to understand what might be flying through their heads.
I, too, question why my H just doesn't tell me the truth about ow..if he wants to get rid of me, then telling me might be a good place to start. So, i don't understand why they aren't upfront about things.
I told my H once that i would love to get into his head for just a few minutes...his response was "its a very scary place."
You do have to have patience...this is a long process. Everyone here will tell you that these problems with your M didn't come about overnight, so fixing them won't either. It is painful and exhausting. You need to decide where your limit is. There have been plenty of days over the past 15 months, when i felt like i just couldn't do it anymore and i just wanted to give up. But, then, i would get a second wind and be able to make it through another several weeks or months. It isn't easy. And the emotions you feel will be all over the place. But, you need to do what is right for you.
The one thing that i reminded myself of often, especially when i felt scared of taking a risk or believing things, was that i couldn't let my pride get in the way. Meaning that i was not going to live in such a way that i was protecting myself, and thus holding things back. This whole thing requires a great leap of faith on the part of the LBS'. You have to decide how much you are willing to endure.
RE: your negativity: I am the world's biggest pessimist. And what i had to learn was that negativity breeds negativity. For me, i had to realize that the more negtive i thought, the less likely i was to act in a positive way. I don't know if that makes sense, but it was something that i realized that i had been doing. You will have moments when you think the worst. And then there will be moments when you think its okay. I think when we think the worst, it is a way of protecting ourselves. But, don't let that get in the way of doing things in a positive way.
This post is all over the place. I just felt like so many things that you said really resonated with me. Hang in there.
Try and not take to heart too much when people comment to you about your H playing you.... People care but only see and hear what they want to... they will make comments like this, but at end of the day does it really matter what people think??
Its what you think, deep down what matters... You do what you want to do.. If you want to sleep with your H whilst he has OW ,then go ahead... if you dont, then dont...
Do you think deep down your h is playing you?? I dont think he is.... from your posts I see a confused man, who still loves his W and whats her in his life, but is also struggling to understand himself at the moment and what he really wants... I think you have to hang in there until the day you know 100% that you cannot carry on any more... As Imdi says, you decide how much you can endure... Look at my post today.......all my good advice to others went out the window... I endured so much, then today thats was it. I told my H exactly what I thought on a subject he brought up... We can only take so much
I haven't posted in a while because I have been trying to detach more and focus on other things, but I am finding it all really difficult. No matter how angry I get at him, no matter how strong I may feel one moment, next thing you know I am devastated again. I look at him and I just want to cry. I cannot seem to get it through my head that it is over, yet I feel like that is what I have to start to believe in order to detach. After the night I posted about last, we spent one more night together and he had supposedly broken up with OW. But I felt so empty at that point, he was here, in my arms, and I could FEEL that he wasn't done with her, could just FEEL that he wasn't ready or wanting to be with me, to make things work. So last Friday, two days after that night, he got nasty with me about a financial issue that HE has screwed up in my name, and I just lost it. Again. Only this time I told him I did not want him back, that he is a differant person, has no respect for me OR OW, that I deserve better, etc. He got nasty and defensive, the whole thing was just messy. I even told him I was going to file for a D, ofcourse he was like "let's go, I will go whenever you want" His reactions were very immature and angry. I won't get into the whole thing, but the last thing i said to him was "you don't deserve me." UGH Anyway, I ended up getting an apology text (he called me something mean, never has done anything like that before, it really hurt) and later on that night, a apology email. His email was mostly BS, I feel, with him calling his interactions with me lately "staying in touch a bit, strictly harmless" He "never meant to confuse me" Hello?!?!? We were sleeping with eachother! That is not harmless! He also said he wants me to be his friend, but a real friend, not just a friend so that we can get back together (and then said "which we have already established is not gonna happen" - yet he had last said we would be trying to work on our M - so unless he was referencing MY saying I wanted a D??) So I emailed him back and that is what I was hoping to get feedback on. I told him I am sad to say it but that I accept now that we are not getting back together, that I have slowly come to understand that he dooesn't love me anymore, and that I never should have have tried to analyze or fix his emotions, that I understand now that our M had hurt him far more than I ever knew, and that I am so sorry for the role that I played in that, that I never realized I was hurting him and that I will live with that regret forever. That the fears that he has about us getting back together are very real to him and only he knows what is in his heart - again that it was never my place to try to analyze his fears, and that I am sorry I tried to downplay them and that I tried to tell him what was best for him to do. I told him that his life is his own, and that it is up to him to figure it out. In response to his telling me not to hate OW cuz "this has nothing to do with her, she just happened to be there" - I told him "I don't really hate OW, I do not even know her, and do not care about her one way or another." I also told him (cuz he was complaining about my BF telling me what he does since he lives across the hall from her) that since it is over btw us, I will no longer be asking about his business, as it is not my business anymore. That I only started asking a bit after he started sleeping with me while with OW and lying to me. I also told him that if he ever needs to talk that I will listen, as a "real friend" I said nothing to make him feel guilty, nothing to try to pressure him into coming back to me or leaving OW. Tried to validate his feelings and "open the cage door" so to speak. What do u all think? Was any of this a bad move? And any advice on how I should act now? I am trying to go dark but it is really hard w/ a small child, plus a mess of financial problems that we are dealing with. ANd what about being a friend? TO what degree do I need to do that? I want to be there for him, but was hoping that maybe going dark could get him to miss me, especially now that I have tried to let him go - that email was a first for me, from day one I have always either said nothing at all, or maintained that we should work things out, etc, major presure and guilt, no validation at all, in fact have told him there is "something wrong with him" and he needs therapy, etc. Sorry this is so long, but despite all of the BS he has put me thru, and despite OW, I truly love this man. I do believe he is hurting really badly, and it makes me so sad that I cannot be there for him. I am afraid he will open up to OW and then feel she is the on ewho is there for him, since in his selfish state he won't likely consider the reasons why I am not there (cuz of him!), just that I am not. I wish OW woul djust disappear, b/c although I know if it weren't her it would be someone else, I do wish he would just be ALONE for a while so he could deal with things rather than cover them up. Do the WAS with OPs ever deal with their issues while they have the OPs??? Seems so unlikely. Sorry so long. Just needed to vent and hopefully get some advice. Thanks guys!!!
Wow. I've read thru your post and can relate to so much of what you've been thru. Though you're way ahead in DB'g. My H left 2/18. It's been so hard as you've said. I have good days when I'm focused on myself. Then a bad day, when I blow it with H. I want to talk about R and future, turn him off and push him towards OW. This will drive you so crazy and the rollercoaster of emotions. We saw each other during the day Sat & Sun last week. Ended up having sex on Sunday, but I imagine H was with OW Sat night. H must feel like a stud being with 2 women. I know H is having MLC but I have no patience. Like you I want him back now. He kept lying about OW, saying just friends, since his cell phone showed they talked several times a day and late at night. I finally called her to confirm they were lovers.
I'd appreciate any advice on what you recommend and can truly feel for you.. Oh the pain.... It's hard to stay upbeat for my D, too.
Please keep in touch and don't give up. They have feelings that they need to work thru and it's about themselves, too.
hurting again
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB2&Number=1137408&fpart=1&PHPSESSID=
Think you are giving your H far too much info at the moment.. I know its so hard, but think you need to stop talking to him as much about your feelings and your relationship. Even if he instigates it, try and keep the convo just general... When you talk to your H about the situ and feelings he will go through all sorts of mixed emotions. sad/guilty/regretful/happy/determined/ etc etc Which is prob why he seems to change his moods so much at the moment. Your H is struggling to cope with himself at the moment, and probably cant deal with the pressure of how your feeling and suffering as well..
Detach girl as much as you can... Be kind and polite to him and agree with him whatever he says.. No you not being a doormat, you are just being clever and taking control.. and basically not allowing yourselves to get into an argument...
Try and get out and have a really good night with your friends...
I got a new admirer this week. he been texting me and gosh can I tell you what a buzz you get from it.... Honestly I have hardly obssessed or worried about my H at all this week.. Its been great... recommend it...
Hi Hurtingagain and c1t - So sorry I never replied to your posts - things have been crazy here and I wasn't really on the boards much. Thank you both for your words of advice and support.
Well, it has now officially been three times in the past two months of H and OWs two and a half month long R that he has "broken up" with her and come running back to me on ly to go back to her again right away.The first two times all I really got was a couple of days, no commitment. Then, exactly one week to the day after I sent him the aforementioned email (in my last long post!) that he invited me to meet him out, and then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to get back together. He had a "change of heart". Well, we got back together (first time he EVER said that he really wanted that since the bomb dropped in late August)but something felt wrong, it just seemed too wierd that he changed his mind so drastically so fast, but I went along with it because I really hoped he had seen the light. But 10 days into it he said he felt overwhelmed and wanted out. Back with OW the NEXT DAY. Also, checked his cel phone records - he called her one or two of the nights we were "back together". When we were together I felt sad that he wasn't affectionate enough or enthused enough but I told myself it was just wierd for him, he felt guilty, etc. But he told a friend he "just isn't in love with me anymore" so I guess that is what I was feeling. He told me that it "breaks his heart" to say it but that "after the baby went to bed he just felt like going home to bed" at his apartment. He said it just felt that way the last night we spent together, that he almost had a panic attack because he felt so overwhelmed. He says he is scared that 5 months down the road he won't want to be there and then will have to do this all over again. He also said that we moved too fast but that was all his own doing, in fact I kept asking if he was sure we should move so fast. I think he felt immense guilt over still thinking about OW. I don't get his attraction to her. Everyone in our lives say she is crazy for being with her over me, and he has already expressed that she is too "high maintenance" and nags him already, and that her kid cries all of the time. She cannot be satisfying him or else why would he keep coming back to me, he first called me only one week into their R, and has yet to stop. He says he has no control when it comes to me. So how is he not in love with me?!?! Anyone get it?
My H is also admittedly depressed. He mentioned understanding why people commit suicide, and said several times that he will never be happy or be able to be helped. Hi finances are a wreck and mine are too from helping him and also from his not giving me the money he is supposed to. But when I ask him for it he freaks out, he doesn't have it, needs a new job, etc. Last night he was really mean and nasty when I asked him about money, and I rarely ever do. Maybe twice, three times, in the past few months. Yet he told me I am "hounding" him for money and "driving him crazy", that he wants to give me my money back so he can be "done with this". I think OW was there, he must be trying to paint me as a crazy b*tch so she will not be jealous of me and also so if I ever decided to tell her that he has been cheating on her with me their whole R she will not believe me. But the way he spoke to me broke my heart. I am so sorry that this is so long, but I really need some words of advice here, if anyone can. I worry about my H all of the time, but I can't stay in this cycle anymore. Would anyone advise me filing for a D as a last resort technique? Or just going dark? I have such trouble with that. I don't really call him, most of the time. Just once in a while if it is about arrangements for the baby or something. I am torn btw wanting to stay away from him so he will (maybe?!?!?) get to a point where he misses me and sees me as I am, and being afraid that the OW has finally won him over, therefore not wanting to go dark. I guess I have reached a point where I know he needs to lose me before he can miss me, but yet I get nervous that he might not miss me at all. I know I will be fine either way, anything will be better than the rollercoaster, but I do still love him and keep holding on for a miracle.
If not, then I think you should set a very clear boundary.
The next time he talks about getting back together, I think that you should make it clear that this is his last chance. Tell him (and mean it) that if wants back in, he has to completely break off all contact with OW forever, or you will file for D. Tell him that you are not going to be jerked around like this anymore. Then ask him again if he really wants to move back in. If he says yes, he has to give you passcodes to voice mail and email and account for his time.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
