I have thought about how OW would feel if she knew many times he has tried to sleep with me, and sometimes succeeded. I have even thought about forwarding his texts to her but decided against it. But I do realize that no matter how you look at it, OW is 1) not very important to him or he would not b echeating on her with ME and 2) obviously not fulfilling him sexually or he wouldn't keep running back to me. I do not think she is fulfiling him emotionally either, because he is certainly not emotionally content. He is a confused mess, and also, has been sick on and off for the entire duration of our separation. I believe his bottled up negative feelings are actually causing him physical illness. Anyway, here is a quick breakdown of yesterday, cuz now I am more confused than ever. H called me to say that he was not taking D for entire afternoon, just to lunch, and he did it at the WRONG time. I knew he had been with OW the night before so his "I am sick" excuse pi$$ed me off, and I went off on him. I was hysterical crying. I know it is the WRONG thing to do but I couldn't help it - I lost it. I told him alot of things i know he lies about and that he is running from his problems and being selfish and immature. I told him ALOT of things that I maybe shouldn't have, but my main point was that in jumping right in with OW, he is not giving himself a chance to figure out what went wrong with us or what he really wants, and that he will end up here all over again in a few years, if they make it that far. Told him he is filling a void, that she is the more attractive option right now cuz he can avoid the guilt associated with me and our D, etc etc etc!! How much I love him, how all I wanted was the truth, even if he feels he is in love with her, just say so and I will be able to move on. But he couldn't say it. So he comes over, immediately grabs me, kisses me and wraps me in a huge hug - says "please, I just need some time, can u give me more time???" I said ofcourse, but that he needs to really face everything, not cover it up with OW. We spent afternoon together with our D, had dinner together and then watched a movie and last week's OC after D went to bed. He slept over. Told me he is breaking up with OW.. I said you said that last time and he replied "I thought you were seeing someone." So I assured him that no I am not, I want my marriage back. The night went well, and all thru the night he snuggled me in his sleep. (Also, he coughed all nite during the movie so he really was sick) Anyway, now today he is acting cold again. Maybe he is just acting that way cuz he is sick, but I ofcourse am SICK over it, feeling like he only did that all out of guilt cuz i was so upset and now he regrets it. But overall, no matter why he did it, he seems to not want me to think he is done with us completely. He even was talking again about getting my portrait tattooed on his back, like he used to, but it was after he said he was going to cover up the one with our names in his arm, and i ofcourse got sad, so maybe he tried to cover it up and make me feel better by saying that he was only covering that cuz he wants to do his whole arm in some theme, and that he was getting the portrait to replace it - But if u don't want me to be sad, why say you are covering it in the first place? And why prolong my sadness by saying you are getting the portrait?? I don't know what to think, but I am so distrustful of him right now it breaks my heart. It felt so good to sleep in his arms all night. If he stays with OW this time I think I want to give up. My heart couldn't handle another trip up and down on the rollercoaster Am I jumping the gun on my negativity?? I keep telling myself, maybe he is distant just cuz he is trying to sort things out, be patient. But it is so hard. Especially when everyone tells me he is "playing me" - God, why would he do that??? Wouldn't it make more sense to just be up front - so we could salvage a friendship??? Or is he as confused as I always thought!?!?!
