I got to the point where I felt like I wanted to give up on my H... had really had enough of trying and DB... I went out and met my BF and yes I did fall in love with him, but I suppose it was on the rebound. My BF came along and gave me attention when I really needed it...He helped me GAL and get on with my life... But deep down I suppose i knew I still had feelings for my H. When the honeymoon period wore off with my BF that is when I started to look at my H again... My H tried to get my attention the whole time I was with my BF but for the 1st few months I was not interested. Its only mean recently that my interest in my H has started again... I realise that I do love him and want to be back with him. I will never forget what my H did and how much he hurt me but I have forgiven him... The problem I have now is I want to be back with my H, but from his point of view he is a bit cautious and i suppose a bit ' well you didnt want me 3 months ago'..... kind of attitude... So what me and H are doing now is taking things slowly... seeing how we get on and letting our situ happen at is own pace until the the time is right...... Men can be selfish and immature ( soz guys) and my H attitude now is 'why should i jump straight back in with you, just coz you now want me coz things not gone as you planned with your BF'... My H sees OW... normally do not last longer than 2months... The minute they push him for a proper relationship he runs...He just wants to have fun... he has said that if he settle down again he wants it to be with me, no-one else.. I just think my H is going through a bit of a control faze. He wants to be the decider on when we start a full time relationship - he does not want to feel as though he has come back just becuase things with my BF are not working... hope this makes sense?
It must be very hard for you in terms of your H in a relationship with children... My H said it killed him when I met my BF and my D spent time with him... But I suppose you have to learn to accept it and let it go... I think you stand just as good chance as anyone does on this site to make things work... Time is the key essence....if you meet someone else and it feels right then go with it.... Just try and always do though what is right for you.. My mistake was I based too many of my decisions on what I thought my H would want.... and this was where I slipped up...
Hey Flutter- Don't know if i am the best person to be giving advice, since my life is in such turmoil right now, but this is what i see.
He seemed mad or even hurt. And now I feel like a b*tch, or at least like he is thinking I am, and i feel guilty or like I might have made it worse.
Sounds like your H is trying to blame you, in an effort to make him feel better, b/c he knows he was wrong. If i read what you wrote correctly, he said that he was on the phone during the time that he usually speaks to your daughter. Well, maybe he should have gotten off the phone and called sooner if he knows when she goes to bed. I am sure he knows that he was wrong here, but rather than accept responsibility, he blames you - its easier for him to swallow. This isn't something unique to your H - i think it is human nature - people have a hard time accepting responsibility and admitting they are wrong. But, it definitely sounds like he was trying to relieve himself of his self-inflicted guilt.
This is a hard issue, b/c i am the same way - i allow my H to dump all of the blame on me, and i never hold him responsible for his actions. This is something that i have been trying to work on in C, but its a struggle.
Perhaps, so you can avoid this is the future, you can come up with a more structured schedule. Something like: he will call your D at 7p every night. I think if you can talk about it, and clarify what each of you expect, it might eliminate the possibility of confusion, therefore removing any chance for blame. Does that make sense? I am very concrete, so i need things to spelled out for me, every detail.
And now I feel like a b*tch, or at least like he is thinking I am,
Something that helps me (and it takes practice) - remind yourself that you can't attach your own meaning to your H's actions or words. NYS is good at explaining this. But you feeling like he thinks you were a b!tch is really in your head. There is no proof that is what he thinks. Try to focus on the facts of a situation.
As you know, i've been separated for 15 months. There have been really good times b/w my H and I, and really bad times. Nothing lasts forever - thats why everybody refers to this as a roller coaster. Your H seems very angry - mostly at himself for what he is doing. And who better to take out that anger on than the person closest to him - you. As Annie Lennox said "you always hurt the ones you love the most, its a subtle form of give and take." The point is, anger fades. Your H needs to work through this sh!t on his own. You can be there for him, as a friend. But try not to let him take advantage of your kindness (easier said than done - yes, i am a hypocrite). This whole process takes time. Don't take what he says or does personally - it is probably more in reaction to his own feelings.
I don't know if any of that makes sense - hope so. Have a good day and don't dwell on what happened yesterday - you can't change it, but you can learn from it.
I see what you are saying. And I agree about the selfishness thing. My H is being ridiculously selfish, and it really hurts. I keep reminding myself that it is his own issues, not a personal attack, and that the lying and anger come from guilt. At least he has guilt right? It could be worse!! I don't think I would hesitate to date someone IF someone came along that I found interesting / attractive, cuz I do think it could help me to detach, and help him see what he could lose. However, I have learned my lesson about trying to MAKE him jealous - so I would only do it if I really wanted to ,for me, and would not make a point of H knowing or anything manipulative like that. That is the point of GAL right? To live for you, not what your H wants or needs. I just wish there was an instruction manual on how to actually DO This, cuz I understand it totally but getting it from my head into my heart seems to be a dilemma. Oh yeah, OW's D actually makes me more sad than OW just b/c it scares me to think how that will look to my own D if / when she becomes more exposed to OW. Also I look at my D and think MY GOD how could he choose to spend time with that kid over our own beautiful baby?!!??! (Nothing against the kid, ofcourse) I also feel bad for my stepdaughter ,9, b/c he has the OW and her kid around her every other weekend on his visitation, right from the beginning, with no regard for her feelings at all. God - why do I even want this man? I suddenly just felt so ANGRY at him! I have never liked my SD's mother but my H's aunt told me that she has tried repeatedly to tell him that my SD needs time alone with him and that she doesn't want OW and kid around her but he ignores her, and even though I am glad that he has so far been keeping his promise to me, it seems sh*tty that he won't respect SD's mom's wishes, if not for her mom than for SD. That tells me that he doesn't GET IT, and that he is only complying with ME b/c he likes me now - so what happens when he decides I am being a b*tch and he doesn't need to honor my wishes?!?! He really needs to grow up soon. I am so scared that my D is gonna end up hurt by him for the rest of her life if he doesn't.... Sorry if I digressed but I just got myself all worked up! I am livid with him right now!!!!!!!!!!!11
hey lmdi, I am so mad cuz I typed out a big reply to you and lost it somehow! But now I need toget some sleep so I will post more tomorrow. Hope u are feeling ok tonite.
nothing wrong with getting mad....... in fact I find it often helps.. when I get mad it helps me detach and GAL... only thing is dont vent your anger out on him... rant and rave to yourself until its come out....it might make you feel stronger afterwards.
I feel angry today as well, becuase this week my H has made very little effort to contact me or my D... so I know how you feel
Interesting twist... On Thursday night, my H went out to a bar with his best friend and - I thought- the OW. So at midnight he texts me, hi, how are u, are u sleeping, are u busy, what are u wearing, want some company? I was in shock, b/c I was starting to feel like he had finally become so wrapped up in OW that he was not going to hit on me anymore as he has done in the past. I told him that it wasn't a good idea but added that it was tempting, and that it was a shame. (See how weak I am?? I vowed not to even ANSWER such texts and here I was flirting - but at least I said no, right?! Baby steps!!) Then the next morning when he came so I could go to work and he could hang out with our D for an hour or so and then take her to school (that's every day, M-F) and we had that old magnet btw us again, where I can FEEL how bad we want eachother, and we were at one point standing so that our lips were like an inch apart. I moved away then. But then on my way to work he texted me "it is so hot in your apartment!!" and I replied (flirting again!!) "Even after I left? That's weird." His answer? "I know right? What time are u getting out of work today? 2PM?" (I get out at 4PM, he was suggesting I leave early again as I did once before to meet him for afternoon sex.) So I said I couldn't cuz I had been late alot this week. Again turning him down, but regret giving an explanation. So I noticed just now that this was two days after my feeling like he got mad at me for not returning his call right away and not calling him when our D went to bed. Hmmm. Anyway, right now I am feeling kinda sad and confused. I just got our new cel phone bill, and checked a few things. The last times we had sex, he called OW right before he got to my house and right after he left. Plus, he is taking her little by little to meet all of his friends and family, even taking her to his nephew's christening INSTEAD of his daughters, and I just don't get that. I mean, I went to a family party today - SOOO hard to go to the first function w/o my H since everyone found out, one person even asked where he was (guess they never heard!!) and my male cousins were offering to kill him, and my aunts and uncles were sorta treating me like someone had died, it felt wierd, though I appreciate their love and support. Plus all of the other little kids there had their moms and dads together like my D always did, it just feels so sad, like something is missing, and plus my H LOVED this side of my family, always wanted to hang out with them. But I digress. It occurred to me tonite, that if I were dating someone now, say for a few weeks or even two months like H and OW, I would NEVER have just brought him to a family function, even though I am not the one who left. It seems inappropriate. I mean, we were a family, it is not like breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend of 10 months and then bringing a new one next time. Yet he started bringing her to family like 3 weeks into it. Do WAS's do this alot with their OP??? I would think they'd be hesitant, as most (including mine) never seem really ready to give their LBS's up TOTALLY, doesn't he feel like it will be wierd if we ever got back together one day? I guess I am trying to apply logical thought to a person of illogical mind right now, huh? I don't know. I am tired of feeling like he has no respect for me at all. Though I do believe there are strong, unresolved feelings at the root of his "sexual attraction" to me, it still feels like he is using me as a personal wh*re. I mean, we have sex but she gets the phone calls, QT and affection. I do not even get a damn dinner date. I feel a fool. And I am really considering cutting out his taking our D to school and maybe even their date night on Tuesdays.. How am I supposed todetach when he is in my house every single day, drinking my soda, using my nail clippers, taking my aspirin, leaving the smell of his cologne on my couch (strongly, I was not sniffing it!! LOL) It seems impossible. I don't want to take time with him from my D but at the same time, he won't be able to do this past like May or June anyway, why drag it out? She is going to have to eventually get used to the idea that she is not going to see daddy every day anymore. Though that breaks my heart beyond all comprehension...it is simply not in my control. Plus it could help him to begin to miss me / us right?? I just need to get out of limbo. Mostly venting but any feedback is ALWAYS appreciated!!
I am not sure what's typical in regards to the WAH bringing the o.w. around to meet family and friends. In my own case, I know my H. brought o.w. to meet his brother 4 mo. after they met, and as far as I know that is the only family member she ever met. I do not know if he brought her to meet any of his friends. I am going to venture a guess and say that I think they go one of two ways with this: Either they keep the o.w. away from their "real" life (meaning their family members and closer friends) because something is telling them they are not to mix the two situations or They jump right off the deep end, believing far too quickly that they are "in love" and they rush to introduce the o.w. to their new family in hopes of pushing this "new life" into play. I think the ones that do the latter make the bigger mistake, and they probably have the least chance of having a real relationship with the o.w. in that case. Just my two cents.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
think you need to try and eliminate all thoughts and questions that go through your head about what your H is doing right now, either on his own or with OW.. I used to beat myself up about things my H was doing but now I dont. Becuase they dont get you anywhere... I block thought them... And I do this by saying to myself - is thinking about this going to really make any difference or change anything? and the answer most of time is NO.. so dont waste your valuable time trying to work things out... Our H's are confused/mixed up at the moment and dont even know what they really want...
Interesting thought though to give you a bit of control back - how do you think OW would feel if she knew he had been trying to get in bed with you??? I know its not nice but it does go to show that he isnt committed to his OW as much as he may make out or that you think...
I know its so hard, but try and pretend the OW does not exist.. Keep being nice to your H when he contacts you and keep doing as many things as you can independently... Your H needs to see that you are not relying on him or that you dont need him... just be happy and friendly in his company - no R talk, no pressure.. in fact try and make him a bit jealous if you can.. try and go on a date....nothing heavy but it would do you good as well to spend evening in another males company...
Hey Flutter- I really have no good advice to give you. I will agree with c1t, though, that you have to try to let go of thoughts of ow. Yes, its hard, but it does you no good. And anyway, this is about you and your H. Focus on yourself and your D.
I am tired of feeling like he has no respect for me at all. Though I do believe there are strong, unresolved feelings at the root of his "sexual attraction" to me, it still feels like he is using me as a personal wh*re. I mean, we have sex but she gets the phone calls, QT and affection. I do not even get a damn dinner date. I feel a fool.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with these thoughts and feelings. I have them too. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are doing what you think is right in an effort to save your M. I don't think that makes you a fool. I don't know what the answer is, b/c i have no willpower when it comes to this. I tried to use the intimate moments my H and I had to my advantage. But, you need to do what you feel is right for you.
There will come a time when this is a little easier. But, you have to have patience.
Interesting thought though to give you a bit of control back - how do you think OW would feel if she knew he had been trying to get in bed with you??? I know its not nice but it does go to show that he isnt committed to his OW as much as he may make out or that you think...
I very much agree with this. In retrospect, I can tell you that there have been numerous times I spent with H. in the past several months (not just intimately) that, if o.w. knew about, would have made her go through the roof.
I think when they (WAHs) act this way with us it is showing how confused they really are about what they are doing. As a wise friend of mine said, we are their stability, their anchor, and don’t think they don’t know this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
