One of the things I should probably have mentioned is that when my FIL died I was in a bit of a depression and my H felt I was not there for him. So he found OW#1 who was there for him (and her boyfriend had just died so they had something in common.)
My FIL's death was long and drawn out with him taking several turns for the worse and then recovering slightly. I got really pissed off at my MIL because every time my FIL had a turn for the worse she made my H feel like he had to drop everything and go home (and home is England so it was really expensive to get a flight that same day.) It was really emotionally draining for my H to constantly think if he didn't go his dad was going to die. I stupidly then said to my H that his family was jerking him around--words that I should not have said and that come back to haunt me. I wish I could take it back.
I don't know about your H, but mine has recently admitted that he hasn't really mourned his dad. Maybe he cried on OW#1's shoulder but I didn't see him cry at all. And yes, H is the crying type, not excessive, but certainly not afraid to show his emotions.
Hope, I'm curious, do you think that with all that time apart your H felt like he didn't know you anymore. One of the top reasons a M breaks down is supposed to be not spending time together. I can say that is certainly the case in mine. Granted the reasons you don't spend time together probably varies wildly from M to M.
super, It could be part of it. I am sure it did not help. Things got better in 2004 in that he wasn't gone as much and I saw him more often. I thought things were improving; we even went away on a big vacation a year ago this month. A month later, he got o.w. and began an affair. Thanks for asking; I appreciate that, esp. on your own thread.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I too have said alot of things to my H in our M that I regret, not to mention many things during our separation. Last week I told him that I had been interested in someone at work for a while after I found out about OW, guess I was hoping to reduce his guilt level and maybe make him jealous? I tend to resort impulsively to trying to make him jealous. I don't know why, maybe it makes me feel better when he is jealous b/c it shows he is still interested!?!? Either way, bad idea, I know. The problem is that now I am feeling like he thinks I am involved with someone, and he has seemed pretty angry with me since I said it. I tried to tell him afterwards why I said it but he didn't seem to believe me, and the stupidest part was that I did it the day after he claimed to have broken up with OW, and was showing the most interest in reconciliation that he has since he met her, but as soon as he started acting "wierd" I started assuming things (he regrets leaving her, etc) and just blurted it out. God if only I could go back to that day. It has been only one week but he is so cold now. I have a question for you all - my H seems to be REALLY guilt ridden, he even wrote me a letter saying the guilt is unbearable. He seems to think that our M is ruined now b/c he started dating OW and b/c he believes I am interested in someone else (I think he even thinks I am involved w/ someone) Is he just trying to project his guilt onto me? And if he really is angry at the thought of me w/ someone else, is it more likely that he is angry at ME or at himself, for driving me there by leaving and being with OW? Am I making any sense? And my next move?!?!? I am so confused. I think about going dark but am so afraid that he will think something is definitely going on and just give up for good. He was always against cheating so I think his guilt is really intense. He also seems to think that because he "likes" another woman that it must "say something" - I guess that he mustn't love me anymore. Yet he keeps running back to me, trying to ML to me evry week or two!! Till now, anyway Would going dark push him away? I am feeling so guilty about trying to make him jealous since part of me feels that insecurities that he held inside thru our M are a big part of what brought us here. But I was not at all trying to play on that, just merely scared and trying to hold on, somehow. I know he hates that I always have to talk to him about everything till I am blue in the face, and always try to get him to talk, so I am trying to keep quiet. Yet I have so much to say to him. Maybe a letter? Any advice here would be GREAT!! Do I just leave it at this and let him make the next move? He sounds so miserable on the phone. And sometimes I wonder if all of this dbing makes him feel like I am happy without him, as I started acting that way very early on. As soon as I moved to my new apartment. But he HAS to know how much i love him, I always end up breaking down and showing him eventually!!!! Why didn't I read DB years ago?!?!?!?!? Sorry to ramble. Thanks for listening!!!
Hi everyone. I got no replies to my last post but if anyone could read over that and this and offer up any words of wisdom, I would REALLY appreciate it!! I am feeling weak and keep almost doing things that are very much anti db, so I think I need to be put in my place!! After what happened in my post above, we basically went two weeks without him really speaking to me (other than to ask to speak to our daughter or if I speak to him when he comes to get her) He has been pretty cold, almost angry. Till Friday nite, he came to get D3 for her first sleepover at his house, and was suddenly a bit playful and flirty. He left with her and found a few stupid reasons to call, the third of which was to tell me that I had forgotten to pack underwear for her (which I VIVIDLY recall doing!!!) and could I please come out there to bring a pair before I went out cuz she accidentally soiled them a little. I suggested he wash them out by hand and let them dry overnight on a heater or something and he shot it down ("I have baseboard" Can u imagine?!?!) So basically he wanted me to go out there. (trying to ruin my night? get info on my night? get me to sleep with him? I don't know) All I know is that he and OW are together ALOT and he only takes D3 on Sunday afternoons, so he has his nights to do what he wants, whereas I rarely go out, and when I do he always knows it and subtly asks about it. So I got mad, and when my girlfriend and I got out there I decided to pull past his house a bit so he couldn't see who I was going out with. Well he was PISSED, and asked "why did u park so f*cking far up?" I said " I missed your house (!?!?!). This was after ofcourse he had already asked a bunch of questions on the phone call about the underwear. So ten minutes later he texts me, we had a mini conversation via texts it went like this: H: Driving by the house is a good trick, did u come up with that on ur own? Me: (90 minutes later!!) huh?? H: repeats above M: I don't get it. (trying to make him say what he means!) H: basically repeats above again. M: trick?!?! H: Forget it, I know there was someone in the car and u lied about it. H: (50 minutes later) No response to that huh? Goodnite. Now I know I shouldn't have answered his texts at all but I was weak. The problem is, I never really meant for him to think I was with a guy, I just did not feel like he should know one way or another, and was angry that he was playing this game of making me go out there, as if the underwear thing just was too much for him to handle on his own! Actually I shouldn't have gone, but would have felt guilty b/c of my daughter. I would never say no to something for her and he knows that, and used it. Used it well too, I might add! So now he thinks I was with a guy and he seems mad, though that is BEYOND hypocritical. This is in addition to the fact that the reason my daughter was even sleeping there was b/c he couldn't take her for his Sunday, and I had arranged a playdate for her for Saturday, so when he asked to switch days, I said no, and he asked could she sleepover Friday night so he could spend some time with her. (Yeah, a big two hours before bed!) The reason, and this is KILLING me, that he couldn't take her Sunday? He had his nephew's christening!! A FAMILY PARTY!! And though he rambled dumb excuses as to why he couldn't take her with him (first said "I was planning on drinking" but then must have realized how messes up that sounded so he babbled about the church and ther enot being any other kids going except his 2 year old nephew (SO?!?!) and whatnot, how it will be a long day and would be boring for her, blablabla -when really the reason is that he took OW of two months!! He promised me that he wouldn't take her around our daughter anymore and I guess he didn't want to break that, so rather than leave OW home he left our daugher home. Guess it seemed more appealing to him to be able to party with OW at his nephew's christening than to have to be a dad where there was an open bar. How sad. He really breaks my heart. Not to mention that my best friend's fiance was the godfather and so she told me that some of his family was actually verbal about being angry that he brought her instead of their nieces, plus my sister in law is mad cuz she had wanted me to be godmother. Two weeks ago at my house he asked me to go to it with him, and told me he was upset that they had already asked someone else to be godmother. How is he ok with all of this now?? I don't get it. He used to be so differant. So what should I do? I have thought about telling him who was in the car just cuz now it feels like I am playing a mind game and I don't want to do that anymore. Plus, if I were with a guy, I wouldn't want him to think I was hiding it, why would i have to? That makes it seem like I am being shady. Ofcourse on the flipside , most advice I am getting basically is that I should let him sit on this for a while, since I never actually SAID I was with someone, technically. Can anyone please advise? Thank you SO MUCH!!!!
Okay, i am not sure what to advise about this. Yes, DBing says that we need to GAL and be mysterious. Which i agree with. But, i don't think that it means we should try to make our spouses jealous and let them think that we are involved with someone else...you saw where that got you when you told your H that you had been interested in someone else. I don't want to be harsh, so i apologize if it sounds like i am. I think the whole point of GAL is not to make our spouses jealous, but to make us more appealing, both to ourselves and to our spouses. By GAL, we are giving ourselves opportunities to get out and not think about our sitches, which really does no good for anybody. And, it also makes us more intriguing to our spouses...we have to show them a side of us that is fun, to make them realize what they are missing. But, i think to try to make them jealous is a dangerous game that could backfire.
I think you should let it go, unless he brings it up again. If he asks, tell him who was in the car. You don't want to do anything that will turn him off and think that there is no chance for reconciliation. And, you don't want to send him closer to the ow. By GAL, you are doing something for yourself, to get yourself out of the doldrums. It is to make you feel better, which in turn will make you more appealing to your spouse. So, just be careful about trying to make him jealous.
Right now, you have to focus on yourself. Don't talk about the R with your H. Whatever interactions you do have with him, make them pleasant. I don't think that he will think "gee, she is so happy, she must be fine without me, so i can leave." You are just reminding him of the good qualities that he fell in love with in the first place. People are attracted to other people who are happy and confident...not those who are whiny and crying and depressed. Let the ow be that person. You can still be loving towards your H without sounding desperate. Does this make sense? I feel like i am rambling. And i hope i didn't offend you at all...totally not my intention, so if i did, i apologize.
Donlee is asking about these same things right now. I don't think you should keep this topic open. Either don't bring it up, or tell him who was in the car and leave it at that. Don't take the bait if he tries to argue with you or accuse you of lying. Just move on.
No offense taken at all, lmdi! I know, I really regretted telling him I had been attracted tosomeone, and I did try to explain afterwards why I said it and just was really honest with him, but it definitely made things worse. And the other night was not so much about making him jealous as it was about feeilng violated and like he was trying to control me. Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for this dbing business, I am just way too emotional!!! But anyway, I just wanted to update the sich a bit by saying that at my nephew's christening on Sunday, H's aunt told him that he was a fool for leaving me, he will never find anyone as good as me, or who loves him like I do, etc. And he replied "She is already seing someone, she had him in the car the other night, and lied about it" So his aunt ( who I talk to) told him the truth that it was my girlfriend, but he insisted that no, it was a guy, he saw him!! Bizarre - how coule he say that when there was only a girl in the car?!?! Anyway, I followed up with an email just basically explaining why I pulled so far up, and how if I was to decide to date anyone that I would have nothing to hide, but that I have decided not to do so for personal reasons, that I will not latch onto the first guy who comes along just so I won't be alone, that I want to take this time to work on myself and focus on my daughter. But that if and when I am interested in someone or decide to date, that I won't hide it from him because I will not be doing anything wrong. I also mentioned that I wouldn't flaunt it either b/c I know that it would hurt him to see me with someone else and that I have no desire to hurt him, but that he has moved on and so now I am moving on. So that was that. I specified that I was only telling him b/c it felt like I was lying and I do not like to lie, so I wanted to clear things up - NOT b/c he had a right to know. Thanks lmdi and Grasshopper for your advice. I definitely have to learn to be less impulsive with my H. Afterall, he is impulsive enough for us both, that's for sure.
hope you dont mind me jumping in but have read through your thread and was releived to see females with similar situ's with their H's as mine...
My H and I have 2yr old - split up when she was 10months.. I DB for 10 months thinking things were working... until found out he had been seeing OW... He felt guilty, moved back in for 2 weeks and then we fell out again.. I could not accept the infidelity, issued him ultimatums left, right and centre which of course he could not fulfill. in the end I got fed up and went out and met someone else... My H moved out and for first 2-3 months he would hardly speak to me as he was so jealous... I fell into R with my new BF and really did not care about my H..But these past 2 months my H and I have started seeing each other again...He still has OW, will not let them go...BUT he wants to carry on seeing me and sleeping with me... He says he needs me, cant live without me, still loves me.... BUT wont knock OW on the head yet until he is sure me and him will work...
I know how you feel......every day I question myself as to why am I doing this? am i being a doormat? should i tell him no more contact until he wants to comit etc etc.
BUT I dont !
1 thing I have learned which I will share with you, is everbodies situ is different... For me, sleeping with my H has brought us closer together, and renewed our R and even though he wont comit to me by giving up OW, he has started to comit to me in small baby steps by staying night with me again, or admitting he still loves me and needs me...
So my advice is......if you really want to make things work with your H and what you are doing seems to be working - then DONT change it....
If you are happy and want to sleep with your H, then do so... Dont stop yourself just becuase the text books say you shouldnt if deep down you want to... Do what you want to do... And let your H sort himself out in his own time... No pressure, no ultimatums, just try and GAL and enjoy yourself without him as much as possible...
He will notice this and this will make him want you more...
Read - why men love bitches - fantastic book!! will give you motivation...
Hi c1t I don't mind your jumping in at all, I appreciate it! Your story actually gives me hope because I have been starting to feel a bit like there was no hope left. I am starting to see that the best way to get a WAS back is to give up on them, or on the relationship anyway. My fear has always been that if I did that, and then he wanted to get back together, that I wouldn't want him anymore. Like it would be too late. So I am curious : I know you said that you got a boyfriend and I think I read on another post you made somewhere that you had fallen in love with that BF.... I am just wondering how it came to be that you started seeing your H again after falilng in love with someone else? Did you realize you still loved him? Or that the other guy was an infatuation? Sorry to be asking so many questions. See, the thing is that I feel in my mind that I should give my H up, that he doesn't deserve me after how selfish he has been and how disrespectful, and that he is too immature to ever give me the R I want / need. But my heart tells me otherwise. Logically, yeah, it should be over. But emotionally, I feel we are meant to be together, and that there is a way to overcome the obstacles we are facing... like this is a test. So far my H reacts very angrily to anything remotely concerning me being with or being interested in anyone else. But I see from your sich that time could change that anger into a realization of what he is throwing away. Also, does your H have one OW or he just dates? Cuz my H has literally jumped into a whole new R, with someone he just met two months ago, brings her to meet family and friends, etc. Even spends time with her and her 2 year old daughter, which I HATE cuz it feels like he has replaced our daughter, even though I know in his heart that is not the case. It just stings. I wish he were just out on the town and partying, hooking up or dating. But a whole new R??? WHY?!?!? Anyway, thanks again for the input.
Hi all, Today I decided to start to let go of my H more, by not returning his calls right away, etc. I returned a call he made to me earlier after like 5 hours. Then tonite (it almost felt like a test since I did that today) he never called my D to say goodnite, so I decided to not call him, as I normally do. It seemed like a good idea, let him be responsible for his own actions, right? But then he called (40 minutes late) and said "why didn't u call me? you would normally call me if she went to bed and I hadn't called yet... It is after 8:30...I was on the phone..." So I replied "I'm sorry, but it is on you to call." But after he talked to our daughter (b/c she just happened to still be awake) I took the phone back as always and he said "Thanks" really sarcastically, and I asked him why the sarcasm, to which he replied "No, I meant thanks for letting me talk to her" He seemed mad or even hurt. And now I feel like a b*tch, or at least like he is thinking I am, and i feel guilty or like I might have made it worse. Is this the right track? Or no?? I wonder if he will think I am mad at him and feel guilty or if he will just blame me and think I am being nasty. Anyone?? I never realized how hard it would be to try to break his dependancy on me. I want him to feel my loss, but at the same time, I am scared for him to feel it. Crazy right? Thanks!!!!
Would going dark push him away? I am feeling so guilty about trying to make him jealous since part of me feels that insecurities that he held inside thru our M are a big part of what brought us here. But I was not at all trying to play on that, just merely scared and trying to hold on, somehow. I know he hates that I always have to talk to him about everything till I am blue in the face, and always try to get him to talk, so I am trying to keep quiet. Yet I have so much to say to him. Maybe a letter? Any advice here would be GREAT!! Do I just leave it at this and let him make the next move? He sounds so miserable on the phone. And sometimes I wonder if all of this dbing makes him feel like I am happy without him, as I started acting that way very early on. As soon as I moved to my new apartment. But he HAS to know how much i love him, I always end up breaking down and showing him eventually!!!! Why didn't I read DB years ago?!?!?!?!? Sorry to ramble. Thanks for listening!!!