Hey flutter- First, don't ever feel like you are giving too many details or are rambling...it helps to get these things out, in a safe environment, where people know what you are going through and are able to support you.
Now, i don't think that you messed up things for good with your H. I had a mini-breakdown back in December and thought that i had done irreparable damage...but, i didn't. So, don't beat yourself up over it...these things happen b/c we are all human with emotions that are so raw right now.
pointing out how attracted to each other we are, how much we mean to each other, blahblahblah.
I did this last night. I've done it a million times. We are trying to get them to see what we see. It ain't gonna happen. They need to see it for themselves. There was a great quote on here somewhere, and i have it on my computer screen: "You cannot talk your way out of something that you behaved yourself into." Makes sense, right. I am not saying that your separation is your fault. But, as the LBS's we are 50% responsible for what is going on. We need to back up our words with our actions.
so like an idiot decide I will tell him how while we were apart I found myself attracted to someone else, thinking both that it might level the playing field for him (since it seems like his guilt is overwhelming him) and I guess maybe make him think about how he could lose me
Okay, i see the reasons why you did this...i've thought about it. But, probably not the best course to take. As you saw by his reaction, it only fueled his belief that he is making the right decision. But, you learned from it.
the guilt of liking another woman is "unbearable", he shouldn't like anyone else EVER.
I think this is big on his part, especially since it was in a letter that he thought you would never read. He acknowledges that what he is doing is wrong. To me, it seems like his guilt is a major factor in preventing him from reconciling. You need to take advantage of this knowledge by reassuring him that you don't blame and that you do forgive him. Thats it. I know how tempting it is to mention things about ow, even in a kidding way. Only serves to remind them of their guilt.
And in his letter said he could never get past my having "liked someone else".
I think men react differently when their wives have cheated, as opposed to how women react. Nothing against men, i just think it is more of a blow to their ego, in addition to the emotional hurt.
In your opinion, can I now, after all that, now launch into a "last resort technique" - I vented quite a bit, and let my true feelings show, which I haven't in QUITE some time, so I thought maybe now would be a good time to sorta plant the seed in his head that maybe I have had an "awakening" as the book refers to, as if I have reached my limit and am now ready to move on with or without him?
Is this true? Have you reached your limit? If not, then don't do the LRT. When one does the LRT, they have to stand by their decision, and be emotionally ready for the reaction of the spouse. Only do it if you feel that you can walk away if he chooses not to reconcile. Plus, i think it might be early in this to go to the LRT. First, you have to do a "180" and GAL, at the very least. See what happens when you back off from ALL R talk.
I don't think that things are as far gone as you think. Of course, i am not there with you, so only you know how it feels. But, i do believe you have a lot to work with in terms of re-engaging your H back into a R with you. Take it slow. Don't talk about the R or ow. Let it go. There is nothing you can do about her anyway. And it isn't about her. Focus on what you have to do for yourself to make yourself stronger. Don't get discouraged. Remind yourself that we can only make baby steps. And it is hard, when we do take a baby step forward, to want more, so we push for it. But, this is going to take a while. My H and i have been separated for over a year. It took a lot of time to get you to this point. It will take just as much time, if not more, to repair the R. Take it one day at a time. For the time being, let him think about your conversation. Don't bring up any more R talk. Be happy when you talk to him or see him (even if you feel like crap). You have to make your H want to be around you. As the book says, these WAS' don't want to be around some emotional wreck.
I hope that this was helpful for you. Sorry it was so long. Take care of yourself and that little baby!
