Hi lmdi Thanks for checking in. I was actually just reading up on your thread, sorry to hear that you are having a rough day, and I hope that it goes well with your H tonite. I haven't been posting, just reading a bit. Every time I try to post I tend to get into too many details and feel like I am rambling so I delete it! I am very new to this, but I love reading all of the wisdom that everyone here offers to each other. Hoping that someday I am thinking clearly enough to offer some myself! LOL Your phone call the other night was pretty crazy huh? My H reached out over the weekend, broke it off with OW, spent the night with me, was acting like he was coming around. But I blew it. I did exactly what the DB books say NOT to do when your spouse starts to come around. Overly enthusiastic, even pressure. I even told him not to break my heart again. I don't know why I say what I say. I am so GOOD at dbing until he shows signs of the H I always knew and loved, then I backslide majorly. Then, the next day, our D and I went to his apartment for breakfast, and I laid on his bed with her, and could smell OW's perfume. I didn't freak out but I made joking comments about it, sorta teasing him. Still inflicting guilt, I'm sure. In fact, he then began to act really wierd, so I OFCOURSE started in on questions, pointing out how attracted to each other we are, how much we mean to each other, blahblahblah. Even told him we should just "fix this, go to counseling, whatever, etc" See, I AM insane!! I then spent the whole afternoon sick to my stomach, trying to think of a way to fix what I had done, so like an idiot decide I will tell him how while we were apart I found myself attracted to someone else, thinking both that it might level the playing field for him (since it seems like his guilt is overwhelming him) and I guess maybe make him think about how he could lose me. BIG MISTAKE. He changed his tone immediately, pulled back completely, basically ran back to OW the next day (I think!) and wrote me a letter two days later (didn't even give to me, I found in the garbage - by accident) saying how he was thinking of getting back with me b/c the baby said she missed him, but the guilt of liking another woman is "unbearable", he shouldn't like anyone else EVER. So when I said I liked someone else, (even though I explained it to him as that I was confiding in a coworker who actually reminds me of HIM, and thought for a while that I might be interested in him, as I had just found out about OW, but eventually realized that it was the similarities to my H and my own hurt and confusion that made me feel that way) he felt like - what is the point? He seems to feel like b/c he is into this OW, and b/c I was temporarily attracted to a male friend, that we could never work it out. As if our M would be tainted or something.I think he said "it could never work if either one of us is even slightly interested in someone else" I flipped out on him then, telling him that he is into her b/c she is easy to be around - no guilt or painful memories, and besides, he cannot be that into her, as they have only known eachother since Xmas, and so far on average every 10-15 days he either tries to sleep with me, or does. He calls me for silly reasons. Texts me in the middle of the night. I mean, she is NEW to him, should he really be so into ME right now, unless he has serious feelings left for me?? He claims it is just "sexual attraction" HELLO?!?! And in his letter said he could never get past my having "liked someone else". Why would he care if he was just getting back for the baby's sake? See how long!?!? Sorry! Anyway, it has become apparent to me that my H has ALOT of emotional maturing to do. I regret telling him about the other guy (btw, it was nothing really AT ALL, I pumped it up a bit for the purposes of the aforementioned STUPID intentions, which I revealed to him after the letter, in fact at that point I told him that I was never really attracted to him at all, that I like talking to the guy cuz he seems to have alot of insight - he is alot like my H only 22 years older, and divorced twice! this is true.) but I am blown away by his reaction to the whole thing, no matter how dumb it was on my part. I tried to be open with him after the letter, I even told him that part of it was to make him jealous, that i have been nothing but confused and freaked out since we separated, which is why things feel "differant btw us" as he says. He seems to think that we are doomed, but until he recommits to this M, OFCOURSE it will feel that way!! How could things possibly feel normal btw us while this is all going on, without us agreeing to reconcile? I also love the way he tries to act like our daughter is the only reason he was going to try to work things out, yet he cannot keep his eyes or his hands off of me. He is in such denial, and lying to himself. In your opinion, can I now, after all that, now launch into a "last resort technique" - I vented quite a bit, and let my true feelings show, which I haven't in QUITE some time, so I thought maybe now would be a good time to sorta plant the seed in his head that maybe I have had an "awakening" as the book refers to, as if I have reached my limit and am now ready to move on with or without him? I mean, do you think I blew it for good? I am so sad, not only b/c part of me feels like I have ruined our chances, but also b/c I am having very little faith in my own ability to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!! He flirts, reaches out a bit, ANYTHING, and I lose my self control. It is awful. Especially since I realize that it is now or never. I need to do this right before i lose the man I love forever, if I haven't already. He is really pretty far gone. Such pressure!! Thanks for reading this giant mess. I will check back with your thread tomorrow and try to offer as much support as I can muster, maybe it'll turn out I am better at advising others than I am at my own life.
