Hi all! I am going to give a brief summary of my current situation in hopes of getting some feedback. My H and I are 29, and from what I can gather he is in the middle of a very bizarre, very early midlife crisis that seems to have been brought on by his mother's death last May. As it stands right now we are separated, since late September, but through most of the separation we were still sleeping together and hanging out some. He was not seeing anyone else, to the best of my knowledge (I am fairly certain), until around Christmas. Since he told me in late September "it is over, I am not in love with you anymore" - he had been very hot & cold - alternating between acting like he had no use for me and acting like he wanted me back. I tried to db through it all but it was tough, everytime he would start coming around I would say or do something that, in retrospect, must have reminded him of his guilt. I think he began to feel like there was no going back. Anyway, he pulled away on xmas eve, I (foolishly!) issued an ultimatum - counselling or divorce. (I was SO upset when he began acting cold and last minute changed the plan that HE had made for us to spend xmas together with our daughter as a family, I just flipped out!!) Needless to say, he pulled away farther than ever, emailing me xmas nite (in response to an email I sent him apologizing for the ultimatum and basically telling him we need to spend some time apart) that we need a divorce. By New Years Eve he had a date for a party, and is now seeing her regularly. They talk all of the time (she threw her H out on xmas day!!!!coincidence!?!?) and spend weekends together, sometimes more. He even brings her and her 2 year old daughter around my 9 yr old stepdaughter (& once by my own 3 year old daughter but I got him to promise not to do that anymore, as I feel that will hurt my child immensely!) Anyway, here is the weirdest part. He still stares at me, flirts with me, aven came right out last week and told me (after two weeks of my dbing)that he wants me so bad (sexually) that he cannot stand to be in my home (which he is every morning as he takes our daughter to school after i leave for work, plus Tuesday nites when he watches her here while i take a class and Sundays when he picks her up and drops her off) So I flirted back and next thing you know he is leaving work in the middle of the day to come and have sex with me. Later that night, after my class, we had sex again. My question is - what is up with that?!?!? He was always against cheating, a real one woman kind of guy, adored me, was a great husband in most ways. To think he is purposely just using me to get it from two women seems unreal. I tend to believe that he still loves me, but is not really sure what is going on in his head yet. What do you all think??? After our midday sex, he said "I am more confused than ever now. My cousin said that relationships that hav ebad sex will never work, but relationships with great sex will always find a way." He is open about thinking our sex is amazing, but just seems so confused. I ended up feeling sad after because she gets his time, friendship and affection, and I just get sex. I mean, I loved it, but I am beginning to feel like if I keep sleeping with him, he won't ever figure out that he misses me. In my heart I believe that he i sjust using her to feel good about himself, and to avoid being alone with himself. I would have been less surprised and hurt if he was just out sleeping around or just found some woman withOUT a baby to mess around with. I don't get the idea of a man who already has two children with two differant women just jumping into a relationship with a married mother of a two year old - he has only known her for like 5 weeks!!! If anything shouldn't he want his own space and time!?!? And on top of that, how into her can he be if he is running to me after only a month!?!? In fact, one week after he took her to the new years party he was texting me at midnight trying to get me to sleep with him. I don't get it. Any advice? Sorry this ended up longer than I planned, I get so confused and freaked out. I love my H dearly, and though I want him to be happy, I do not feel that this will make him so. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!
A lot of it never does make any sense. After reading your post, to say he's confused, is quite clear, but he's obviously not confused about one thing. The great sex part your cousin is talking about, well, sometimes there's great sex with world-class cheaters, and the cheating brings it on. Not to say that's what's happening in your case at all, but I'd say there appears to be an emotional affair at the least, and that's where he's at right now.
Have you tried DB'ing techniques yet? Look over some of Michele's articles, and get one of her books. This sounds like a new thing that's happening to you and it may well be worth your effort to do the "right" things now to refocus your H (husband) on your relationship.
You can go dark for one: no more sex--minimal contact, only for important reasons--get him wondering what's going on with you. Right now he seems to be enjoying having his cake and. . . .
Thank you so much for your reply! I kind of had "gone dark" for a could of weeks and that seems to be what brought on the sex last week. I guess I should have turned him down and kept it up, but I was weak, I really miss him. I know that is no excuse. Just to clarify one thing - that quote about the relationships with great sex vs those with bad sex - HE said that to me, that his cousin told him that. He said it immediately following our sex last Tuesday afternoon. I guess he is starting to question why our sex is so good to begin with, or maybe the sex he has with her is not satisfying to him and he can't figure out why. Not sure. I will work hard at going dark this time, and staying that way. I will be tested tomorrow night and every Tuesday night thereafter, as when I get home from school our daughter is asleep and he is usually laying on my couch watching tv or passed out. It is always so tempting to lay next to him and feel good for at least a little while, but I know in my heart that that will derail my long term goal. Thanks for the feedback!
What you're feeling right now is very natural--that desire to be extremely close to the person you love--that's why being away hurts so much. Of course we miss the people we love--you have my empathy, and my sympathy too. I'm so sorry you're going through this awfulness.
The tenderness, the love you have for him, for the memories of the past, that's why you're so drawn to him. The question is, how safe is it? How healthy is it for you right now? Is it the best thing? Is there something better/more effective you could be doing right now? Don't just jump at any suggestion--follow professional advice--read more of Michelle's articles/books please, before you make any huge decisions, but find a way to think things over as clearly as possible. Heaven knows I know all about how hard it is to do that.
I wish I could tell you that your husbands actions make sense--but they don't, and they might not for a long time, but you've got to figure out the best way to get him looking at you in the right way. The right way. . . .
Have you gone for any counselling/read any good books on the subject of "spouses that runaway/have affairs"? It would be and excellent investment of your time--look around on some of Michele's threads--there's some great suggestions.
I'm really sad you're going through all of this. Here's a hug! A kind person gave me one the other day, and you know, that's just what I needed. So, I'm gladly passing it on.
Flutter- Welcome...sorry that you have to be here among us, but i'm glad you found someplace to go to "talk." I have to tell you, reading your post, i thought "gee, i could have written that." I won't get into my sitch here on your thread, but i am in a similar sitch in relation to the intimate aspects of my M. I don't know what to tell you...I too am weak when it comes to this. Its a hard thing. On one hand, you want to have that closeness with your H. But, on the other hand, you don't want to feel like he is "using" you...thats the dilemma i have. This whole thing is sooo complicated and it doesn't make any sense...it might never make sense. Lost is right...read DR if you haven't. Another great book is "Surviving Infidelity." And "Make up, don't break up" is good as well. In the long run, you need to do what feels right to you, in your gut. Do you think that maintaining the intimate part of your R will help? Just remember that you need to put yourself first and do what is emotionally healthy for you. I wish i could tell you what that is...but, if you read my posts, you'll see i have no idea .
Come back here often and post. Read about other people's situations. You will find much comfort here. Take care.
Lost, Thank you very much for the hug! And the advice. Actually, I had a phone consultation with Chuck, and I felt it was very helpful, but he recommended that I continue having sex with my H once in a while, but that rather than getting all deep and trying to talk to him about "us" afterwards (which I tend to do, not in a major way, but enough to push him farther away I am sure!!) - sort of doing a 180 in my behavior surrounding any sex we may have, also that I should turn him down once in a while. But I don't know. It is too confusing to even try to figure it out. But thank you so much again for your input!! I did read one of your posts on your situation, and I wish I had some wisdom to offer. For some reason, I used to be the one who my friends got advice from, but lately I feel too clueless to help anyone at all. However, here is a hug right back - And I do hope everything begins to get easier for you!!!
Imdi99, Though I am sorry to hear you are in my boat, it is quite a relief to know someone else is going through this as well. When I had a DB phone consultation, I was told that it is not too common for the WAS to express such attraction openly for the spouse they left. I will try to find your postings. It is so difficult because part of me truly believes that if I could withdraw from him completely that he would eventually miss me enough to question what he has done, and I don't really see OW as a long term threat - I believe that my H is feeling really sh*tty about himself and needs a daily ego boost, as well as someone to take the focus off of himself and the mess he has made of our family. They do not have the makings of a solid relationship, that is for sure!! Yet despite the fact that I believe that NOT having sex with him could very well get him back, I find it diffucult to say no. Tonite, he was here watching my daughter, and went out of his way NOT to try to sleep with me (unusual) but I think it is b/c last week was the first time we did that since OW came into the picture 5 weeks ago(not the first time he asked, though!), and I (foolishly!!) kinda started in on the "R" talks a bit, and got a little hurt and confused with regard to OW to him, and I think he is nervous to do that again b/c deep down he knows it is not fair to me. But it is only a matter of time before he cannot help it and tries again, happens every time. He never lasts more than 2 weeks, since we split up. He tried every once in a while even before OW to say we shouldn't sleep together, then always changes his mind right quick. I just hope I am strong when he tries, but somehow I doubt it!!! Is your sich like this too? Where he goes back and forth????
Flutter- My sitch is a little different in that my H continues to deny that there is an ow. My story is long and complicated, as i have been separated now for 14 months. But, basically, almost every time my H and I see each other, we are intimate. Sometimes i initiate, sometimes he does. There are times when i feel like i should stop doing it, as it only confuses me. But, i think it confuses him too, which is good. He has told me that he has no will power when it comes to me.
When I had a DB phone consultation, I was told that it is not too common for the WAS to express such attraction openly for the spouse they left.
So, wait, let me make sure i understand this...we are the exception in that our H's WANT to be intimate with us? I just want to make sure i understand this.
I wish i had some good advice to give you. We are in a tough situation, and i certainly wish i could make up my mind about the whole thing. Its very confusing and is the hardest thing i have ever been through. I hope that you are finding some comfort here. Please post again. Take care.
OMG! That is pretty much exactly my sich, b/c he has said many times that he can't stand to even be in the same house with me (our daughter is usually there, so sex is not often an option), he said it drives him crazy that he wants me so bad. He even referred to having sex with me as "relapsing" as if it were an addiction! I said "I didn't know I was a disease, and he said "I am the on ewith the problem". He told a mutual friend that our sex is "amazing, I cannot explain it". He truly has no will power with me either!! And yes, the consultant (Chuck) did say that it is pretty unusual for this to be the case, and honestly i had observed the same thing myself, just from reading other people's stories, here and in the books as well. The phone consultant advised me to actually use this to my advantage, he said it is ok to go on sleeping with him as long as I change my behavior afterwards (ie: my tendency to "talk" about us immediately after sex, "look how much we WANT eachother, we have such chemistry, I MISS you, what are we doing being apart?!?!?" and other such anti DB ramblings!!) The consultant saw the attraction as an advantage. So yeah, we are sortof an exception I guess. If nothing else than for the fact that they do not hide it!But despite the advice I got, my gut tells me that if his attraction to me is that strong, that if I stop giving in, he will eventually have to decide whether he wants to lose me forever. Have you thought about that? I mean, wouldn't it just drive them NUTS until they realized what a huge mistake they were making??? I don't know. It is confusing, and scary to think about what would happen if I am wrong!! He RAN out of my house last night (he watches her when I go to class Tuesday nights), so nervous looking, I believe he knew that if he didn't, we would end up having sex, and right now he is in what I call his "guilty" phase, where he feels we shouldn't do that (knows it gets me all excited that we might work things out I guess) so he avoids me all together. Even this morning, he came to pick up our daughter (he stays here with her from 7 till 8:30 and then takes her to school, cuz I have to leave for work at 7), and he went in my bathroom for 15 minutes while I finished up getting ready, I really think he just didn't want to be near me. It is crazy!! I think he wishes he could never see me so he didn't have to feel it. But he will always have to see me, so that is a losing sich for him. Now, as for the OW, I know about her and he knows it, but he DENIES the extent of their relationship. I know about her from HIS friends and family, one of my best friends is engaged to one of his best friends, and he actually took an apartment across the hall from them!! Strangely enough, he denies everything to me (she is not his girlfriend, they are not dating, they don't have sex!! Yeah right!!) but is not very discreet, brings her around his friends and family, taking that apartment, I even get his cell phone bills (I made the mistake of telling him I know he calls her ALL DAY LONG - it was impulsive, I saw it on the bill and was so SAD) I really don't get it, I thought he'd want to be single, living it up and partying, and he jumps into this?!?! He has only known her like 6 weeks!!! Sorry for the rant! I really wanted to ask about your OW, do you know more than he thinks you do? And do you / did you ever mention her to him? I would love to talk to you about all of this, and notice you are from NJ - I am too, so maybe we should hang out some time, perhaps we could learn from each other. We are both in a very strange position when you think about the fact that both of our Hs are that drawn to us, despite OW. Could be a very powerful tool. Anyway, post again or email me directly if you want maryellen1425@yahoo.com I'd love to chat!!
Hey flutter- There do seem to be a lot similarities in our sitches. And i have to say that the fact that the consultant feels the intimacy is a good thing gives me a bit of hope - thanks for sharing that with me!
But despite the advice I got, my gut tells me that if his attraction to me is that strong, that if I stop giving in, he will eventually have to decide whether he wants to lose me forever. Have you thought about that?
Oh, yeah, i think this all the time. Recently, i was going through this thing where i thought that i should stop being intimate with my H. I felt that he couldn't really feel the loss of me if we were still intimate with each other. But, then i thought that i could use this to my advantage. I noticed the same thing...there aren't many who continue to have sex with their spouses. So, i remain confused. It happened again last night. Just when i thought i would never be with him again, i was proven wrong.
My H and I don't have children, so we don't have that reason to remain in contact, although we do have 2 cats.
As for my H's ow...they work together. There have been sooo many things over the past 2 years or so that have pointed to them having a R (including her ex-H calling me). My H told me a while ago about rumors about the 2 of them. He knows that i suspect something...i have brought it up to him a million times and he always denies it. There are some things i know that he is not aware of. I used to snoop a lot, but i stopped doing that. I have tried to not mention her anymore (as per DBing)...sometimes i am successful with this. I don't know if he brings her around his family or friends. The one thing that does not make sense about their R is the fact that she has 2 small children. My H doesn't hate kids, but he has certainly made it clear that he would be perfectly fine living his life without ever having kids. He feels that they are an "inconvenience" and he doesn't like to be inconvenienced. So, that is the baffling part to me...why leave your W, where there are few responsibilities, to go be with someone with 2 kids, one of whom is sick...i don't get it.
Where in NJ are you? I am in Northern Jersey. I would love to get together - its hard to go out b/c all of my friends are married with kids. Anyway, check out my sitch if you want. I post mostly here...there are several threads, so just search for my name.
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