Long story short. I have hit the wall. I have had enough. I do not want to divorce and I made that clear to my W, and that the decision to divorce is hers. the fact is I am tired and know this is the time to move on in life for everyone. The sad story is my W prefers to be with an alcoholic, gambler, and former drug abuser than me.
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BS, and you know it. Sad part is that you fail to see your W's confusion for what it is, confusion. She said nothing about preferring the drug abuser over you. She simply said she loved both of you. Remember, from his point of view, she prefers a bad, inattentive, overbearing, manipulative husband to the wonderful man he is. Remember, there is more than just your perspective here and no matter how f-ed up your W's and his are, they are factors in this. You may say you're none of the things he thinks you are, but I'm sure he says he's fully recovered and not the drug abuser you think he is. Your W hears all of this. How confusing is that? What I am saying is that your W initiated a conversation where she opened up to you and you responded by trying to grab her once again. Don't take it hard, I would probably do the same thing, but please recognize it for what it was. It was the OLD Tim resurfacing again. Sure, she delivered what felt like the knockout blow. It would feel like that for me, I'm sure of it. You COULD look at it that way, OR, you could look at it like this; she opened up to you, on her own. She told you she still loved you. She told you she's still confused. She told you she doesn't want an ultimatum right now. She told you she's seen the changes in you. She told you she basically needed time to sort things out. SO, what's different about this speech than the initial "ILYBINILWY" speach a year ago? Was a D not at least implied in that one too? Really, you were presented with an opportunity to listen to and validate your W's point of view and you did a bit of that but mainly, you made sure she felt the full brunt of your pull at her by expressing totally opposite, STRONG feelings to her that probably did not make her feel too good. You just need to step back and really evaluate where you are. You have come a LONG way from even a few weeks ago, and I think you are still able to keep going. Reach deep and try to understand that wherever YOU are in all this, your W is somewhere totally different and any opportunity you get to read the map and see where your roads may cross is a good thing, even if it seems like that place is 1000 miles away. Like I said here and in my emails to you, you need to finally get to a place in all this where you can stifle that need of yours to express your innermost feelings. I think they come off as attempted manipulation to your W no matter how heartfelt YOU think they are. I think she would feel safer confessing to you if she knew her confession would not be met by powerful rebuke in the form of your expression of undying love. Make sense?
