Hit the Wall....Am I on the otherside?

[Tim297181]

Thanx Emily.
I am not sure if she has hit rock bottom but may do that soon. The OM is an alcoholic, gambler, and former drug abuser. Supposedly he has given up all that only in the New Year so who knows.
We tried to recouncil in Nov and Dec but she ended up going back to the OM in the New Year!
Anyways I have thought I personally hit rock bottom a couple times, and have recovered. I will just have to have more patience, and go own with my life. My kids need a strong father and I need to get back on solid ground again personally. Still a little shacky but getting better!

[KimDownUnder]

Hi Tim, you are right it is a process and it takes time, I guess some of us that are further along can see the signs of backsliding quicker than others so we jump in with warning signs.

You do sound like you are getting a better handle on it again though so that is great but time it all takes time and patience as if we haven't had alot of that but it takes more alot more unfortunately.

There is a whole new life out there be it with or without your wife so make the preparations now and look forward to it when the time is right.....Kim

[Tim297181]

Thanx Kim
I do need patience and I was tested tonite.
Came home and my wife was planning to go to her "study group" tonite. Typically she is really casual and sometimes just wears a hat but tonite she looked incredible!
Her hair was all done, make up, and dressed a little casual. Did not say anything except I loved her har and she looked great! She told me she was going for drinks after her study group and would be a little later than usual!
In my mind I know she is planning to see the OM (speculation)!
She gets ready to leave and I tell her to have a good time tonite! She says "Yah right studying!" I say "No when you go out later have a good time!" Tried to stay up beat and try something a little different!
Just after that I was looking at her just as she was leaving I was actually thinking how great she looked and then she said "Stop looking at me like a parent before their kid goes to a party!"
I say I was just lookiing at her and how great she looked!
She just said OH and left!

I guess my true thoughts were in my expression or she felt guilty!

It does not matter she s going to do what she wants anyways!

I had a good laugh a few hours later when her "study group" friend called looking for her! She sounded suprized that my W was not her! This frend knows our sitch, so it should be interesting!
Actually laughed a little to myself!

I could be way off base and she may not be seeing the OM...........really does not matter!
Need to focus on myself!

[Tim297181]

Feeling better today!
Had a good seesion with the C. She cannot believe how resiliant I am, but does wonder how long I can put up with this. I actually said once my W ends this semester we will have to really make some hard choices if our sitch does not change. Meaning if she is with the OM still, she needs to move out and live her life on her own.
My C said I have great quality in that I am so giving, but my W is taking advantage of that. As long as she is not participating in improving the R I need to tone back being so helpful.
My C does not know much about DB but she told me I need to give back to Tim because I deserve it. Let her ride out her emmotional rollercaoster alone. Sounded real familiar!
Thanx everyone!

So I am just completely drained and my only plan for tonite was to relax! So my W came home and asked if it was OK to go out. I said no problem. Actually I wanted her out so I could relax by myself!
It fely good! I was not bothered at all and told her to have a good time!
She kept thanking me for allowing her to go out tonite because all her classmates were going and that I have been doing everything with the kids again! She said this several times and all I said was no problem, and that it is not me allowing her to go out it is just communicating better!
So just before she leaves she says "Just so you know I am not going out on a date a whole group of us are going"
I just told her no problem have fun!
Then she came over to the couch to kiss the kids good bye and then just out of reaction bent down to kiss me first...!
She said "Oh what am I doing" Continued to kiss the kids then came back with a smile and kissed me!

I just smiled and actually chuckled to myself as she walked out the door!

I think I handled myself alot better and feel stonger because of it! We are planning to go for dinner tomorrow nite to "talk". I want to hear what she says and if nothing is really changing I want to firm up our schedules to get some quality "TIM" time in!Wish me luck!

[Tim297181]

So I figure everyone out there will be posting today so I thought I would add to the frenzy!
I hope everyone does well today!
I actually feel good! This morning was a beautiful day up here in my part of Canada. Sun shinning, snowed last nite, beautiful to see at sunrise, and cool crispness to the air! The start of the day makes it easier to get through today.
So in my world my W attitude really has not changed. She is stressed over mid-terms and has been studying. So i started my prep for today yesterday.
I had bought her some Victoria Secret when I was in Vegas (we don't have them up in Canada in our area). It is sexy but I said what the heii!
I left it on her pillow last nite with a simple home made card I had the kids help me make. All it said was
"Cupid did some of his best work on me with you! I will love you unconditionally til the end of time!"
Like I said what the heii! I was not going to hide my feelings on a day like this!
So I she asked me for a back massage last nite and I obliged. No big deal with both enjoyed it while we watched TV. She went downstairs to bed and came out a few minutes later after I was already in bed and thanked me for the present! I said I wanted to get it for her and I hope she enjoys it. She stood there a few minutes quietly so I invited to stay upstairs with me but she said no thanks politely. I expected that so no big deal!
This morning she put on the bra and panties and showed me! A little high lite for my day, but it ended there!
She left and really did not look at me at all. She also told me she had a "study group" tonite. I expected that so it was no big deal!
My plan for the rest of today is keep busy, and not dwell on my sitch. I also am planning a nice dinner tonite. Chicken Parmesan and Pasta, Mozzarella and fresh tomato salad, tiramisu, and nice bottle of red wine. I love to cook so the prep is more of a chance for me to relax. If my W would like to join the kids and I she is welcome to. I never told her my plans because it is more for me than her! She has study group anyways!
I have been doing a lot of reflecting and I am letting go more and more. I still want my M and R to work with my W, but she needs to decide that is for her. I need to be true to myself. Being true to myself is being there for during school, and being true to myself is also buying her a nice Valentines gift. It was nice giving it to her with no expectations of anything in return.
I may not be able to openly show the love I have for my W today to her but I have ound other ways to do it. Today is just not about my W it is about the kids and all the other special people that I love in my life!

[superstressed]

Tim,

Hey I've been absent from your thread for a while but I must say at the moment you seem to be in a good place. I'm sure the fact that it's a beautiful day today helps.

You've probably said, but aside from hanging out with your kids and cooking, what do you do for fun. I haven't noticed you getting to do a whole lot outside the house. Also, didn't you mention something on GH's thread about setting up some goals?


SuperStressed

[Tim297181]

SS today is a beautiful day!
I am doing better today and the last few days. I really have let go of my W and realized she has to do what she wants right now. I have told her my feelings and she has to figure out what she wants. when I do things right now I am thinking of myself first, and not my W which is really helping.
What have I been doing for fun.....I have gotten back to the gym again, and working out with some renewed intesity. I tried to go to a movie on the weekend by myself which at the time felt weird, but looking back it was a sign of my independence. I am starting to enjoy work more, and have some intesity during the day. I hve reached out to some friends that I have pushed away so we are tryig to get out and do things together.

As for my goals. I am trying to keep it simple.
1. Like PaRob I have stopped snooping.
2. I am thinking i myself in regards to my actions. If it makes me happy to do something I do it!
3. In regards to the R I ave decided to support my W the best way I can in regards to her school. I ant to see her succeed and getting stronger regardless of us.
4. I am willing to put up with the current living arrangements until the end of this semester and re-evaluate things in May.
5. I am going to focus in on my personal goals of losing some more weight and hit the weights harder...who knows I may need to look good for the singles seen!

[Tim297181]

So no Valentine Card or present from my W!
Does anyone feel sorry for me?
Please don't because I was preparing for that all day and right now after after she went to her so called "study group" I feel good that I survived today the way I wanted with integrity and with most of my heart in tact!
The only problem is I fell to the evils of chocolate hearts from my kids....um good!

[PArob]

Those are the best chocholates in the world! As an added bonus, I got a tootsie roll pop from D5, a conversation heart from D10 that said "be mine", and a huge kiss and hug from D8 (she's not one to give up the candy!)

Good job Tim, you should be breaking that arm to pat yourself on the back. I am very proud of you! Keep up the good work.

[Tim297181]

The kids really did not give them to me....I sort of looked in their treat bag from the day home today.....and er.....well I figured chocolate ain't so good for kids so I ate all of them.....so much for the integrity!