Hit the Wall....Am I on the otherside?

[Tim297181]

Well I got locked out of my post again!
Quick update for those out there.

This is part 3 of my posts.

Married 8 yrs
Dating 14 yrs
Me 34 yrs
W 35 yrs
2 kids 2 and 4 yrs old

Seperated in April. W and the family were supposed to move to the city we grew up in to further my career and start a new chapter of our lives. W decided to stay behind, after we had finalized the move. At the time unaware there was OM.
OM is the opposite of me. He is an alcoholic, admitted gambler, and former drug abuser. He is 7 yrs younger than my W and has no real ambition in life!
Lived in 2 different cities for the summer. Kids spent 2 weeks with me 2 weeks with her. In Oct I moved back to the same city as W to be closer to kids, start a less stressful and new career, and try to recouncil. Did the DB for several months prioir, and had success.
W moved back in with me and the kids in Nov, and we tried to recouncil for 2 months. OM never left the picture but we were dealing with it.
Went to Mexico after X-mas to celebrate our new beginning, and as soon as we got home my W was with the OM within days.
Now it is a month later and she seeing the OM openly in front of me, but still lives in the same house.

For the first time in days I truly have been able to detatch. I feel strong again. I hope it lasts!
Alot of it has to do with the fact that I went to C session today.
It reminded me that I am a good person, and have done the best I can!
I have to stop enabling my W to live her life without consequences. I have been there for the kids, and I have been there for my W despite her actions. She has not felt the consequences of her decision to be with the OM, and what impact that will have on her for going to school full time, getting a job, taking care of the kids, and where to live.
I am not going to go dark or be evil towards her. I will still be respectful and treat her the way I would treat anybody, but it is now time to see her reaction to her decisions.

[PArob]

Tim, glad to see you are remaining focused and positive man. I'm really pulling for your sitch as well. I think that you have thought through this very well and at the end of the day, you'll do what is best for you. That's the only true decision to make I suppose. I really think you've turned the corner on this....

[Free_To_Be_]

Good luck with trying to solve this. You've got an interesting situation--How are you going to stop enabling her? Has the counsellor given you any advice, or are you still in the forming stage? Forming ideas of how to stop the enabling, that is.

Good luck,

Lost

[KimDownUnder]

Tim glad to see you are still focused and I am also glad to see that you said to W that you could not afford 2 households. How does she expect to pay for a 2nd house and how does she expect to make ends meet if she is schooling. Does she have a job as well.

Truly when she moves out it will not be your problem to support her other than whatever alimony you have to give. We don't have that over here all a spouse has to pay is Child support for children of that R but nothing to the spouse so no kids no money.

Goodluck and stay strong....Kim

[Tim297181]

Thanx everyone! the support has been great!

It is hard to describe how I have been feeling the last few days. I have had many occasions to flip out and just loose it:
-my W has openly spent the nite at the OM, and has had him pick her up and drop her off
-our daughter wakes up constantly looking for her Mommy and my W thinks it is no big deal
-My W constantly blames me for her decisions, and that because of my controlling behavior she is with the OM, trapped at our house, will have to quit school, and get a job

Anyways the question is how am I going to deal with the future and stop enabling my W.
Well after much thought I do want my W to coninue on in school because I do see her happy and finally fufilled at something she enjoys.
She can stay here until this semester ends, and I will pay the basic bills required to live.
We will set up a schedule with specific nites with kids and nites to cook, so we can both have equal time for ourselves. I will have to be rigid with this, and leave the house after supper regrdless if I have plans or not. This is hard on me because I have been putting the kids to bed and giving them a bath 90% of the time!
We will also have to split up household chores. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, and 90% of the cleaning.

At the end of all this if this does not work then I will go to a lawyer myself. That is not what I want but she needs to be aware that this "pretend" life she has is not reality.
Through all this I want to work on myself. I am not going to buy into all the shlt she is trying to push on me. I still want our marriage to work, and that is still my ultimate goal, but sh will have to come to that realization on her own. I hope when she does or the OM starts drinking again I am still here for her!

Anyways I have to sign off for a 5 or 6 days! I am going to Vegas for a convention! Time to catch my breath and have some fun! Also a good opportunity for my W to see what it is like without me again! Hope this big goofy looking Canadian has some luck in "Sin City"! (Not get lucky but find luck...you know that would just complicate matters)
Good Luck everyone and stay strong!

[PArob]

You too man, stay strong and above all else have fun!

[KimDownUnder]

Hi Tim, you now seem to have the right attitude so keep it up. Your W does have to wake up to the fact that she is responsible for herself and not forget she is a mother as well.

I think you being away for a couple of days will be good for you and may make her wake up a bit but then it could also be that she can't wait for you to get back and will be out the door as quick as lightening once you return.
Just be prepared for that.

I don't know how you fulfill your job and look after kids, cook and do house work, what does she do, go to classes and go see OM is there anything else she does????

Have fun whilst you are away Tim.......Kim

[Tim297181]

Hi everyone! Back from Vegas!
I had a great time! Gambled and drank a little and oh yah I was down on business so I did that to!
Nothing exciting to report except I had some fun and relaxed a little! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

On the home front things have changed a little.

Before I left we had a couple discussions and we started to lay the ground rules out for the immediate future. I was becoming more comfortable with the fact that we may actually face the big D and was able to detatch alittle more. I was still friendly and firm on my position that I did no want to D, and that she needs to take responsibility for her actions.

While I was gone I was a little home sick, and my W and I had a couple good conversations. I could tell she was a little more warm and friendly to me and I actually spent a 1/2 hour talking to her one nite becasue she found out she failed one of her paramedic qualification exams and has to re-write. She was questioning whether she should continue with school or quit. I told her it was her time and I would kick her butt if she quit!
Anyways when I got home I was not sure how to act around her. I brought her a present from Victoria Secret (nothing sexy...cotton underwear and body lotion) which she really appreciated.
She spent yesterday studying and I spent it with the kids. Did not talk too much. she decided she wanted to sleep upstairs becasue her back hurt. That was ackward and we both did not sleep much (I am very sleep deprived from VEgas)
This morning was weird because she told me I was cold and after we spoke on the phone while I was gone my reaction to her was cold. I told her I am confused on how to react around her, and when I came home I wanted to hug and kiss her and the kids and say ILY but felt I should not.
Well long story short she came over and gave me a big hug and told me she had enjoyed her time alone with the kids and had a lot of time to reflect on what was going on in her life. She then told me she still loved me despite all the things she has done. Then just before I left for work she hugged me again and we had a small kiss!

A couple things from all this. It seems my time away has made her think a lot which is good. I can not react to it too much because I am not going to go forward in our R if she is only in it half hearted!
The other thing is I found out the OM is moving away to another city for 6 months. This may have something to do with the way she is reacting!
For once I do not have my hopes up. I believe she may want to discuss a few things in regards to our R but sh has to show alot more commitment before I get real excited!

[grasshopper]

Ok, don't over react, just observe and try to express the feelings you want to express. I don't know if we get in trouble so much for saying ILY, hugging, etc as we do for the expectations we build because of those.
Your sitch is changing. You know that. Make sure the things you do reflect your goals. If your goal is still to preserve your M, then making her feel you are cold is about as productive as her thinking you're pursuing her. The "cold" feeling she has is probably perceived as a reaction by her, whereas a calm friendly detached demeanor would not be.
I think you can still hug her. If she initiates things, you can still participate, just DO NOT believe in their lasting power. A hug is a hug for that moment and relish it for what it was. A kiss means I'm ok with you NOW but do not extend it farther. Just like when you date someone, those things are signs of someone warming up to you but I doubt you would project a happy marriage because of them so don't do that here.
I may be off...anyone else?

GH

[PArob]

Hey, welcome back Tim! Glad to hear the Vegas trip went well and really excited to hear the positive news. I echo GH's comments, I don't think the "coolness" is a good idea and is probably as productive as the pursuit. As with the kisses, hugs and ILY's, I'd probably say that those are probably safe, just not overboard. My W and I still do those things and she seems quite comfortable with it. Now if I start getting sappy with the "ILY more than anything.." type stuff, then I can sense the discomfort. Moderation is the best policy IMHO.