Cobra, No no, you misunderstood me. I know that my workload has not changed. I am the first to understand that my ability to withstand the particular cruddiness of my profession is directly related to how willing he is to let me escape into Him, or Us, for a while.
I rarely complain about my workload. Honestly, it's not that bad. If I have time to talk to you folks all day, how bad can it really be right! It's just grinding monotony, and the loneliness of not having anyone to talk to. Not that I'd change anything; I'm just stating my reality. There are days, though, when I feel that I can't do one more chore, read one more book, make one more meal (remember that I make and freeze ALL of H's food..he eats three hots a day prepared by moi, simply because he likes it), change one more diaper. I am in desperate need of someone to fill my tank and recharge me, so that I can face another day. A lackluster valentine's present and his recent obssession with watching a movie every night--including VD--is not doing anything to increase our EC.
His job. Oh wow you couldn't be more wrong. It deeply affected me. Of course, I won't say that it affected us the same..that'd be silly. But there are times when I just feel this sense of despair at what happened to him and I turn to him and ask, How could it have happened? Sometimes he'll say it to me. My point is that I was very tuned into him and his reaction to it. I know that it was much much more than losing a place of employment. It absolutely rocked him, his sense of self worth. I think that's what hurts my heart, still. To know that although he logically can see that the termination was due to a buyout, there is still a part of him that wonders..was it me? God, that kills me. I also know that he has not relaxed since then. He lives with a constant fear that unless he is a perfect employee, it will happen again.
Our EC has gone down the tubes since he took the new job 3 weeks ago. Since he stopped going to Mass every morning, he is taking the opportunity to stay up late every night and watch a movie. He is still willing to ML, so it's not that I'm being replaced or anything. It's that he virtually ignores me all night and it's making me nuts. I already have no one to talk to during the day and now he's wrapped up in the boob tube. I'm not kidding when I say every night, either. I think he feels liberated..and wants to make up for lost time...all those years when he couldn't stay up late b/c he had to get up so early. Intellectually I understand this but nevertheless I'm feeling lonely. Yes, I've told him this and still he pulls that "we treat the ones we're closest to the worst" stuff.
And also, there's the issue that I'm just irritated.
He has been a lot better this last month. He has been doing and trying new things. It's not as bad as I'm making it out to be, I'm aware of that. He let me down on Valentines Day. That's about the extent of it. The one day of the year when it's ok for me to get my hopes up and anticipate romance, he got me a cheap mom necklace and then blew me off to watch High Noon.
