Now this leads me into my next thought and that is the resentment you feel over the lack of support. Recall a few weeks ago you two were on cloud 9. Everything was right with the world and you were happy. But I suspect you were doing the same amount of housework, the same cleaning and feeding. I understand you’ve got three small ones with colds, which is tough, but that is temporary. I also guess that H was working about the same number of hours then as he is now. So what is different for you to feel so depressed?
The closeness of your relationship and the show f his affection has changed. That’s all. How does that affect the amount of labor you are doing? It doesn’t. The change in your perception of the load you have to carry is due to the change in your emotional condition. Nothing else. So while you have every right to be upset about the state or your marriage, don’t get on your pity pot that you suddenly feel you are carrying an increased load. You are not. It just feels that way.
But if you express this to your husband, what is he to do? Won’t he be totally confused and frustrated in trying to figure out what changed in your work load from two weeks ago to now? And it is only your workload that he can truly do anything about, right? He knows enough not to dare tell you that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. He wants to help, but how? Now he is in the catch 22, isn’t he?
You see, you women do not make this any easier for us men. The best I can think of (and maybe others will have better suggestions) is to not get caught up in the entitlement trap. No one is entitled to anything. You get help because others want to offer it. But if they don’t, you should not feel you are entitle to receive help, or that you should somehow force them to see your point of view. Isn’t that control?
Now all this is only relevant when both spouses are truly performing an equal share of the work. You may each not think this is so, but everyone thinks they do more than the other, right? It is a matter of perception, and not fully understanding what the other does.
I’d also like to mention the impact on your H of losing his job. I have the impression (and correct me if I am wrong) the some women view an event like this as just another work issue that the husband needs to overcome and overcome fast. It is his problem, he likely caused it, and he’d better fix it. But it is not the wife’s problem, that’s for sure (go ahead GEL, I am generalizing here). For a man, lose of a job is one of the most fearful things that can happen, other than dead of a family member. The wife seems to have confidence that the husband is a good worker and can find a job, that any employer would be lucky to have him.
But this confidence evaporates within a man when he is laid off. All of a sudden he is filled with self doubt, fears of making the mortgage payment, the humiliation of having to sign up for unemployment, wondering if they will be able to keep the house, where they may have to move to, what type of future his kids will have, and on and on. This is very traumatic and humbling stuff to a man and I don’t think women have a clue as to the impact it makes on the male psyche. I think your husband is still reeling from his job loss, and HE feels unappreciated and still very scared. It will take about a year of settling into the new job for the panic to truly subside.
