Why do you pull out all the stops for your parents' birthdays and events, including their wedding anniversary, but choke when it has to do with me? There seems to be this fear that you will let them down that isn't there, as it concerns me. What message do you think it sends me when I see you working so hard to make their day(s) special and then justgiterdone with me?
This one is easy. He does this for the same reason kids seem so composed at school, then dump on their mom when they get home, or start drying when mom walks into the room. Like your kids, you are the emotional safety net for you husband. He feels safe and comfortable enough to dump on you. He does not feel safe enough to be up front and direct with his family. He pulls out the stops with them because of FEAR!
This also confirms what I was telling you on the other thread. His FOO has severely hurt his sense of confidence and self esteem. He must continually strive for acknowledgement with his family or he will be shamed. He knows you do not shame him and that you accept him for what he is. Unfortunately that means he does not have to please you to get your acceptance.
If you confront him with the above question, I think you will put him on the spot and he will blow up. He knows he does this, he feels bad about it, but he is too enmeshed with his family to be able to pull out of his obligations. The hypocrisy of all this means he bears ultimate responsibility, but that is too much for him, and many men, to acknowledge, especially one who was raise to please others. He will read your question as having to chose between you or his family. And that will feel like betrayal.
If I were you, I would NOT do this. Rather, try to understand what he is dealing with, how imprisoned he feels, how he thinks he is doing everything in his power to please everyone in his life who is important to him, except himself, and how he fees that it is never enough and he just gets blamed for it. Your husband does not truly understand boundaries and for him to become healthy and happy, and therefore give you the love and attention you crave, he must learn to become more self protective and to take care of his own needs.
I know this sounds absurd from you perspective, but your perspective does not count. If this is what he believes, then you must acknowledge that, whether it is right or wrong. He believes it.
He must learn to focus on his needs, how to address to needs and what he wants out of life. He needs to evaluate his priorities to come to the conclusion that he must back away from the enmeshment with his family. He must find self respect and self love, so that he has sufficient capacity to give this back to you. Helping him understand this, and supporting him on this journey is where you can help. Demanding more time from him to make you feel better will drive him away. Don’t ask that question.
