Things are going well here. H is being loving and attentive and is treating me like, well, like a girl.
I'm liking it and have been complimenting him almost every time he does it, right then and there. I don't know what else to do to let him know "be more consistent with this" so if anyone has any suggestions, let me know.
Julie, I worked out again today, I'll have you know. Your evil "aging" words are now echoing through my quite-young brain. lol
My daughters are all sick today so it's been a long one. My 3 yo doesn't slow down for no piddly fever and she decided about a half hour ago that a popsicle melted on her forehead would be just the thing to make the fever go away and then she'd get the green light for playing with the neighborhood kids. Sigh.
Tonight I will make my Valentine a steak dinner and share a glass of wine with him. His gift to me was a little lame so I think I'll buy an erotic massage book, on his behalf of course, and give it to him this weekend. Any suggestions on that and, furthermore, does it really work? I can't imagine that a massage would feel anything but massage-ish but what do I know.
"My daughters are all sick today so it's been a long one. My 3 yo doesn't slow down for no piddly fever and she decided about a half hour ago that a popsicle melted on her forehead would be just the thing to make the fever go away and then she'd get the green light for playing with the neighborhood kids. Sigh."
LOL. Good one little-pot.
"I'll buy an erotic massage book, on his behalf of course, and give it to him this weekend. Any suggestions on that and, furthermore, does it really work? I can't imagine that a massage would feel anything but massage-ish but what do I know."
I have an erotic massage book, but we haven't tried anything yet. I did get that "Sex Diet" book and have been unfortunately reading the darn thing all afternoon instead of working. LOL (its supposed to be my v-day gift to the W). Anyway, I can guarantee you that from the HD perspective, a massage does not have to be just a massage. The things described in those books would do a lot more than just relax my muscles. The Marriage Bed website (christian based sexuality) has a pretty good description of what to do for erotic massage as well ... at least it sounds good.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I am really disappointed with my H's Valentine's day gift. It was a necklace that said Mom.
I'm trying to keep it all in perspective but it's hard. Is it that he's just a bad gift giver, or is it indicative of a larger problem in the R, namely that he puts no effort into me--only what is convenient? I honestly don't know, today. I'm stewing in resentment so I can't make a fair assessment.
He sent me flowers today.
Fellas, sending flowers the day AFTER valentine's day is so lame that you may as well forget it. It only causes more consternation than if you had blown the whole thing off entirely.
We had a discussion last night wherein I lamented the general lack of romance in our R. (well there is romance but only that which is generated by me) He said, So...what..you want me to lead you down the hall to our bedroom where rose petals are on the floor and candles are lit and slowly undress you, kiss you head to toe and then slide you into a warm bath...yeah *whatever*....guys who do that sort of stuff are obviously retired with no little kids to worry about.
I was speechless.
I stammered out, So you DO know what romance is, then? All this time I thought you just didn't understand what I meant when I spoke of it.
MrHP: No I understand, it's just not me.
Today I feel depressed that I am not worth a little effort from him. Last night, after the kids went to bed, he promptly put in a Gary Cooper movie and that was that. Eventually I got up and went to bed by myself.
I want to focus on the ways that he has improved, lately, but first I gotta feel sorry for myself.
It is SO demotivating to see actual physical evidence of how little effort he puts into our R and me. I think I sometimes delude myself into thinking that he does more than he does.
Honey, He is with you living in the same house. I envy you that, i would give anything to be in that position. It is so hard to work on your M when your S does not even live with you. Have your down moments but cling onto the reality. he hasn't left.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Alison, Thank you for your post. He is living here, separation has never been part of the situation. It is and has been for some time that he is not as interested in developing the sexual side of our R.
I do understand that it would be much harder to repair your R if your spouse wasn't living with you.
I really feel you need to say this to him ("Today I feel depressed that I am not worth a little effort from him.)
This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I told my H makes me "feel" unimportant to him only, I referenced that in his unwillingness to actually initiate sex. His actually verbalizing that he KNOWS this is what you'd like....but saying "it's just not me" is what a woman would interperet as "I know you want this....but I ain't gonna do it.....no matter what!" Which translates to a woman as.....you aren't important enough for me to make that effort.
Honey.....you really need to tell him this.
Or would you just prefer I hop the stateline and come whap him upside the head for you? I'll do that ya know
I did tell him that last night, in those exact words.
He made some Sorry noises but it's all more of the same from him. Lots of talk but no subsequent behavioral changes.
I know he wants to be different, and again I know he's crazy about me, but he is simply not putting enough effort into being my husband and, what's more, he feels that he is incapable. Sorta puts me in a tough position.
Today I was trying to Corri-ize myself and come up with a boundary but I couldn't. "H I will not tolerate your lame efforts towards me. If you can't step up to the plate I will....I will....I will....what? What tf am I going to do?"
I don't have a lot of leverage, as I'm not going to leave, and he knows it. He capitalizes *very* heavily on this, too.
If any of my lurkers are highway patrolmen, please disregard the beautiful redhead speeding up the OK/MO roads. She's on a mission.
You know this has me thinking, since what your H said resounds so loudly with something my H had said to me. Do you think it's possible that he's experiencing the same thing my H has about me with sex....only for your H it's in the romance dept?
You know....my H was thinking I expected all sorts of new & different moves from him, that he had to constantly impress me, that I had to have xyz EVERYTIME....and he knew he couldn't do that, so he didn't even try. As he said in one of our MC sessions....he knew he couldn't do that.
He truly believed he had to out perform himself each and everytime he did something for me, so that paralyzed him from even trying. Is it possible your H is thinking he has to do something like the roses & candles or something equally as creative or extreme in order to "romance" you? Do you think he really knows (or believes) that romancing you could be really easy? That there could be such simple small things he could do that really take very little effort on his part? Remember....my H thought I was the space shuttle, it's a huge production to launch the space shuttle....I'm really a kite though, that takes much less effort.
Your saying what you did just made that little "ding!, ding!, ding!" bell go off in my head....kind of like aha! I hope I'm somewhere in the ballpark on this.
This is just the sort of thing I am talking about. You are judging your husband from the perspective of how you think he should be treating you. From his perspective, he may be doing everything he thinks a man should do, and then some. It depends on who you talk to. Your girlfriends may say he should do even more, that he owes you for all the efforts you make, the time you spend with the kids, for all the attention you give him.
His friends may tell him he is PW (pussy whipped), should go out with the guys more, especially since he is the sole breadwinner, has gone through a lot of stress in losing a job and finding a new one in very short order (which can be VERY difficult in today’s job market). But who is setting the emotional tone in the household? You are. You are upset, getting mad at him and expecting him to now make it up to you in some way. And if he doesn’t read your mind properly, his efforts may just get him into even deeper trouble. So just who are you concerned with – you or him? Isn’t this the princess attitude Blackfoot talked about?
Perhaps your expectations on what an ideal relationship should be are not in sync with the reality of what the two of you can deliver. The wider this expectation gap, the greater the potential for disappointment. He knows your resentment (women don’t let men avoid this) and will want to keep the peace, even though he may slowly be growing resentful that you always seem to want more (I am guessing here). So more and more he walks on eggshells until he reaches the point, as in Nicegal’s marriage, where he doesn’t care anymore.
Don’t let things get to this point. Stop thinking about you and your hurt feelings. If you tow were to get divorced and you had to go to work, and turn your kids over to him 50% of the time, so some other woman could be their part time mother, do you really think the timing a Valentine’s flowers or a “Mom” necklace is going to matter? Alsion is right, be thankful for what you have and stop acting like a spoiled princess!
GEL,
Your comment I really feel you need to say this to him ("Today I feel depressed that I am not worth a little effort from him.) again gets to my point. Why does he need to be responsible for healing HP’s feelings? What did he do wrong other than not express himself as she thinks he should? He is expressing himself as he believes, by working hard for the family, helping around the house, etc. He will feel bad that HP feels bad, even though he may not think he is responsible. But he may be a little resentful, and I think HP could be seeing some of this in his comments.
HP, Sorry to be so hard on you. I don’t mean to make you mad but this is something of a sore point with me and I feel women do not appreciate all that men do for them. I really think you need to hear this and I am sorry if I’ve made you mad.
My point in telling Honeypot to tell her how her H's comments made her feel was to communicate her feelings....and just that. Not to punish him, but to tell him that this is how it makes her feel.
You know...not hold it in.
Cobra, I have to admit....I think you take some spins on some of the comments women make on here that are hard on us. Honeypot wants "some" romance, her H verbalized to her that he knows what she wants (even described a scenario)....and then followed it up with "but that's not who I am" or something like that. THAT HURTS! As a woman (not saying it's right) that translates to "you aren't worth the effort".
Speaking from my perspective that would say to me he's not willing to meet my need in that area....if my H said that to me. Which is why I brought up the scenario in our MC session for Honeypot....where my H viewed me as the space shuttle....when I'm more like a kite.
For Honeypot....being romanced could mean her H doing things that are small, very simple...yet meaningful to her. It doesn't necessarily have to mean a big candlelit/flowered/musical production with a big white horse and a night in shining armour (which is what he might be picturing). I know I just described something fairly ludicrous....but it's equivalent to how my H was viewing me in our situation.
IF Honeypot has a LL that includes some romantic type gestures....there is NO hope her H will fulfill that need....if she doesn't communicate the need to her H. Or tell him how it makes her feel when he describes a romantic scenario.....and then shoots her down saying "but that's not who I am."
Cobra...I think you often have great points in your comments. Sometimes though, I think you spin what some of us W say as we have an "agenda" when sometimes....all we're doing is communicating.
