Lass, Yes I do that also. It's not always the blatant ego boostage.
It just offended me that lately, when I'm the one in need of some boostage, he is STILL coming to me with his near-daily insecurities. And like I said to Blackie...I understand perfectly that he is going through some major trauma and wondering if he 'has what it takes' for this new job and as the sole provider for our family, so I want to be there for him.
Again, most of this is just venting. I haven't said any of this to him and it's not necessary that I do. I'm just needing him to step outside himself for a while and give something back. He seems to have problems doing this. I'm guessing it's a Mars/Venus type thing..he just doesn't know what to do so he does nothing. And even when I give specific instructions on how he can best support me, he still does what is easiest for him. That whole counterintuitive thing is a toughie for him, I think.
Ah well, I'm starting to come out of my funk a bit (dad doing slightly better) and so I'm sure things will look up.
Sure I understand that you are needing him to support you right now. I also know you don't want to have to tell him "Hey ya big dummy! I need your support too ya know!"
Here's a thought....don't know if it would work or not, but I know with my hubby....sometimes the wierd and unexpected gets his attention. Have you thought about doing something really off the wall....in front of him, like give yourself the pep talk you need him to give you? You know...talk to yourself. When he looks at you like your completely off your rocker just tell him...."just giving myself the pep talk no one else is giving me."
I don't know that it would work with your guy, but it sometimes does with mine.
Oh, and I'm really glad to hear your dad is doing better too!!
Thank you Chrissy. Dad is still dyING but it will not be any day now. That is some small comfort at least.
I think that H wants the benefits of my positive emotions without having to deal with the crappiness of my negative ones. I am a naturally cheerful person so he's in luck, in that I am mostly happy go lucky.
Hp, Omg I am sorry I did not realize it was that serious. I feel like a idiot now. Because I am sure you have metioned it before.
You indeed are a strong woman my dear to be dealing with so much. No wonder you are so stressed right now.
I am a naturally cheerful person so he's in luck, in that I am mostly happy go lucky.
Me to! Well when I am not home lol. Your H is lucky that your attitude extends to him also. Hope you always remain this way. And hope he finds a way to comfort you at times when you are not. It will happen. Maybe now that he has a job he likes/wants things will get back on course for you.
Chrissy, Dad is an alcoholic who has drank himself to near-death. His organs are shutting down. He may live a while longer but it won't be long.
He's still a good man. One of the best.
I *so* need my R to just take care of itself for a while. I cannot expend any energy on it and if it goes to pot simply because I'm not policing it, then I find that pretty pathetic. I'm hoping that H can temporarily take up the slack. Historically he's not really good at this but, then again, I've never been as specific wrt my needs and wants as I am now.
We'll see!
I can't wait to see him and find out how Day #2 went, so that is a good sign. His new company forbids personal contact of ANY kind (and they monitor it closely) so I feel very cut off from him.
Taking Blackie's advice, I'm dressed to kill today and I guess I will start acting like a girl again. Hmph.
He asks or hints for verbal affirmation and I always give it
How long has this been going on? 3 years? as long as you have been here? the whole R?
Cause I've been propping him up for a while now and yet the FIRST time that I need a little proppage, he retreats. Oooh she's gross. She's not being cheerful and happy and alive and sexy. She's not dressing like herself...uh, I think I'll just offer to take care of the kids and leave her alone. Kwim?
Hmmm, and no. he most likely is not thinking that. Mind reader. So he is retreating to his cave when you stop the proppage, (and I dont see why you shouldnt, in this instance. this is your lack of well being and over confidance/overextending yourself. you have to hold something for yourself. which H is very good at. He asks for what he wants and only gives out what he can.) and letting you do the same--offering a token of what he would want by taking the kids. Thats what I see, but you are there.
When do I get to relax and schlumpify and still be treated like a woman and not an it?
You get to relax and schlum whenever you need to. He cant stop you. and you will get treated like a woman despite that when you require it, (not demand) and he is capable of giving it. Currently you have crashing insecurities. again. Gel gave you a hint.
Quote: I also know you don't want to have to tell him "Hey ya big dummy! I need your support too ya know!"
It grates that inner self-confidant voice eh?
He may ask for proppage, but does he expect it?
Maybe-- because you have given it for so long now.
he is the first to admit that he does not deal well when I'm not my usual cheery self
Tough for him. See where I am going with this?
youve learned and understand WOA, his needs etc.
But balance is neccesary.
I have to say that I've inspired probably thousands in my short life..........
LOL. Really...
I'm dressed to kill today and I guess I will start acting like a girl again. Hmph
the hmph says it all. acting like a girl allready. good job.
IHJ
Thats not right. IN Fact, Its just wrong on so many levels. I will never be the same now because of it. How will I explain to the poor girl, why I am laughing hysterically? Its bound to cause some terrible misunderstanding and insecurity. Curse you.
Well, there goes the mood now for that...ahem...euphemism for me now. Ya know, I always tried not to think of a naughty association with your handle but now that LFL or whomever verbalized it for me--Wham-O--now brought to the forefront.
Cripes. I hope this means I can't think so innocently of Winnie the Pooh now. Reaching into that tree hole...sitting there greedily clasping his "honey pot." Urg. BTW, what's the deal with him wearing that tight stupid red shirt and nothing on bottom?
Freak.
Anyway, think I can thought stop. Find myself becoming a f'ing master at that now since I do it on a daily basis. Valentine's Day will be one megalo massive giant thought stop. Sigh.
BTW. Also you have my thoughts/prayers for your dad. Hang in there luv.
No use me giving 2 more cents. My change is all over this board lately. Good job everyone. Great comments.
Okay, 1 more cent. LOL. About the R.
Bad timing for everything. Both of you probably aren't gonna get all of your R needs met right now. Back buner. But you're handing it well.
The job. Last thing I'll say is do you remember your first day in grade school? I've gone to a few different schools, as we prob. all have, and it's the same feeling as you get with new job. Anxiety. New people. Butterflies. Performance. Self doubt as to qualifications. First impressions etc.
You know where I'm going...
You'll both get into the groove and get your groove back.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Since he lost his job last May. Incidentally, he is on his third day of work and so far so good. He seems to be coming out of the fog, finally.
Quote: He cant stop you. and you will get treated like a woman despite that when you require it, (not demand) and he is capable of giving it.
That's just not true, though. Unless I am happy and cheerful, he doesn't have much to do with me on an intimate level. Everything's superficial. I do not make demands or requests for him to treat me like a woman. The most I did was to say, after 2 weeks of being ignored "I feel like an 'it' when I'm around you these days". In the meantime I was my usual self, just less animated...more quiet (I'm already a quiet person believe it or not) and withdrawn but not morose or anything.
Quote: He may ask for proppage, but does he expect it?
Oh gosh no. H has Chrome-type self esteem. If I ever did not give him his props, he'd say "Oh I deserve it...I *do* suck at my job and deserved to get terminated and you poor thing you are stuck with me and...and..." and so on.
I don't want to give the impression that I just prop him up constantly--I don't. But when the opportunity presents itself, I have made a commitment that whatever comes out of my mouth will be positive and not neutral or negative. It's just getting hard for me to hold up my promise to mySELF because the shnit is hitting the fan in other areas of my life and just where is H, anyway? And then even when I specifically ask, in a nice way, for what I want he still goofs off for the next week, wrapped up in his own mind, and I have to say it AGAIN.
Quote: acting like a girl allready. good job.
You know, we WOA people must grate on people's nerves. Cause we not only need attention (like all folks) but we have to receive it verbally. Oooh how tacky. To have to be told, out loud, how fabulous you are. My killer outfit got no comments from H whatsoever, but he did give me an H-style compliment, so I took it gratefully.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd, there were some awesome positives in my life last night, but true to form, I will not post about them, only the bad stuff. LOL Well, okay you talked me into it.
H is sleeping! He stopped going to Mass in the mornings and goes in much later at his new job. The end result is that he's getting about 2.5 more hrs of sleep, thank goodness. The change in him is dramatic, already. We are going tonight to buy a new weight set for him so we can start working out together in the mornings, before the kids get up. These things are HUGE.
Thanks for weighing in, all, and Stig I'm sorry I ruined pooh for ya. That's what we perverted females do to men.
I'm glad hubby is coming out of his fog. I figured it was a matter of him kind of settling in at the office...for him to start concentrating on you again at home. Sucks...but unfortunately, my H is often this way too....I've only really recently noticed it. When things are right at the office, he's not really "there" at home.
Also, I know he's devoutely religious, so him sleeping in and not going to morning mass is a big thing. The extra sleep is something I think will really help too...my H doesn't get enough of this either, and the working out thingie....woo hoo!!!!! That's awesome! It's going to make him feel so much better....it's something I keep encouraging my H to do, but he just doesn't. Says he wants to, says he should....but it's just another thing on a list of things I encourage him to take the time to do for himself (like golf, hunting, spending time with his best friend at the lake) that he just doesn't do. My H gets bogged down in all the stuff he thinks he HAS to take care of RIGHT NOW at home. When absolutely all of it, could wait a day or two....or ten, or I could take care of it myself.
See...this hiccup didn't last very long. It's frustrating, but it's short term. Do you think that knowing that might help you deal with hiccups in the future?
How will I explain to the poor girl, why I am laughing hysterically? Its bound to cause some terrible misunderstanding and insecurity. Curse you. 