Don't know if I'm looking for advice or just want to vent but would appreciate any comments.
When I met my wife (at work) she was very amorous and continually having affairs with men who were not serious about having a permanent relationship with her, only sex. On the contrary I was lonely and inexperienced and could count the number of times I'd had sex on one hand. We first dated at 29 years old (both the same age) and hit it off. We were both ready to settle down. She made the comment that had we met years earlier she would never have considered a date with me as I am short and had thinning hair. I was hurt but have said stupid things myself so excused her comment. We had sex on our first date and I proposed 3-4 months later and we married at age 30 in 1981.
We had sex on the average two times a week while raising our 2 boys. Fact is I was/am a person who could have sex at least once per day if not more often. My sex drive seemed to be increasing while hers was decreasing. I supplemented our sex life with masturbation. One night in 1988 while I was watching cable tv she came into the living room and caught me masturbating. All she said was 'oh' and left the room. We have not had sex since.
We never talked about our sex life and just went about the business of raising kids, working, eating, etc. We were partners in life but although we shared a bed were not partners in sex. Masturbation became my sex life. I unexpectedly came into our bedroom about three years ago and found her 'rubbing' herself but did not say anything. In retrospect I don't think my wife ever had an orgasm during our sex. I was not an experienced lovemaker and like a lot of couples our sex became pretty mechanical and maybe she (or both of us) were just looking for an excuse to end it.
Despite a couple chances over the years I have never cheated on her. I don't think she has cheated either but cannot be 100% sure. We are both usually pretty considerate of each other and almost never fight. About 6 months ago my mother-in-law brought over pictures she had taken. One was an unflattering shot of me, now mostly bald and looking my age (54). My wife made the comment: "what happened" to which I replied "I got old." But she is usually not mean so it's not like I'm constantly bashed. Now I could make nasty comments about her overweight condition (approx 5'1" @ 185 lbs.) but no sense adding to hurt feelings. That would accomplish nothing positive.
Back to sex. I've gotten by for 18 years with masturbation as my only sexual outlet and video/internet porn as the medium for most of my fantasies. After our boys left for college a few years ago I began to feel desire to have sex with my wife again. I am still attracted to the idea of physical sex with her. Lately I've kind of paraded around half-dressed to try to gauge what her reaction might be but have been unable to get a clue as I get no response.
I'm scared to bring up the subject of sex as I don't know how she would respond. It might give her the opportunity to say something so nasty it would cut my feelings to the bone. If she responded negatively that might just be what it would take for me to seperate/divorce as I would feel that our marriage could never hope be 'normal' again. The status quo is so much easier.
Like many who post on this site my wife and I are basically just 'room-mates.' I long for more but she seems satisfied with things as they are. (although my guess is she is not happy) She seems to need me to provide the support and stability of marriage as well as deal with finances/crisis/etc. and up until recently that was enough for me. But now I feel the need to have someone WANT me as well as need me.
So, how pitiful is my life? Maybe having a good/normal sex life is not a magic pill but no sex at all is a much bitterer pill to swallow.
The only thing that will help your situation is open and honest dialog with your W, which is long overdue. You'll need to get over your fear of confrontation, there's going to be lots of that. Lurk on here for a while, you'll learn a lot. Obtain and read a number of the books mentioned here, if you haven't already. Books like "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by our forum host, as well as "Passionate Marriage" by David Scharch. Again, if you lurk here a while, you'll see you have a LOT of hard work ahead of you - many of us have been working on these issues for years already. Don't get discouraged too easily, because a problem 18 (or more) years in the making isn't going to be solved in a few months. Don't set any time limits in your head. Good luck!
Hey welcome to the BB. Ok, first things first...you are going to have to talk to her about this. You haven't had sex since 1988, and you haven't ever talked to her about this? You must. This issue will not be resolved without communication.
I'm quite sure you are in a lot of pain over this issue, it is a very painful issue, we know that all to well on this BB. But you must sit her down and talk to her about this. I suspect you probably haven't talked to her about this before because you are embarrassed to do so, and yes...she could say something that would cut you to the bone. Try to keep in mind though, that if she does this....she's probably hurting too. She may be just as concerned about this as you are but it's amazing how few couples will actually talk openly about sex....so many people are too ashamed or embarrassed.
It's important when you do talk to her not to place blame, it's easy to accidentally fall into this. Keep your sentences in "I", tell her how you feel about all of this. Tell her you want her, be specific. But if she opens up and starts talking....make sure to listen, try not to get defensive.
I don't know, but I wonder if when she caught you MB'ing to the movie if she felt "she" wasn't good enough for you in some way (just guessing on this). I'm sure though she probably had some reaction at least internally, otherwise why shut down all contact?
QUOTE ____________________________________________________________ We never talked about our sex life and just went about the business of raising kids, working, eating, etc ____________________________________________________________
Step4,
That is the first major problem right there - you and your wife *never* talked about sex. Your name is appropriate because now you NEED to take the necessary step to communicate your feelings with your wife. Otherwise, it doesn't sound like you are going to get anywhere. It sounds like your wife knows that you MB, so it is possible that she thinks you are content with that lifestyle. You mentioned that you are scared to bring up sex because you are scared of how she will respond. What is the worst that can happen? If you don't say anything, then you can pretty much guarantee that nothing is going to happen. It sounds like you are living in fear of your own wife - what kind of way is that to live? You need to stand up for yourself: you are human, you have emotions and feelings, you have a right to a fulfilling, happy life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this!
It really sounds like you and your wife need to get into counseling. Would she be willing to do this? There are probably many issues to resolve after so many years without intimacy. Your wife also sounds rather cruel and (mentally) abusive in some of the things she has said to you, but yet you have not been hurtful to her. You said that you wife "needs you to provide the support and stability of marriage as well as deal with finances/crisis/etc.". What does she define as the 'support and stability' of marriage? How would she feel if you were not meeting these needs? The stability of marriage by its very nature absolutely requires intimacy in order for it to survive.
I wonder if your wife feels that you do not desire her as much as you used to? I am wondering if you felt embarrased after being cauht masterbating and so for that reason didn't attempt to ml to your w? From a womans point of view if I was worried about my figure (you mentioned she had put on wieght), caught my H masterbating over some stick thin blonds and never came on to me after that I would assume i did not turn him on any more.
Instead of heading full steam into an I WANT SEX discussion perhaps you could do something a little more subtle? Buy some massage oil and offer to give her back a rub? Or even her feet if she is unhappy about stripping off. You could tell her that you miss being intimate with her, I am sure she would like to hear that.
I really do think you need to 'woo' her again though.Almost like she is a new woman. Give her flowers, the odd card, tell her and show her that you care.
This afternoon I purchased a bottle of massage oil. This evening I cooked my wife a steak dinner with fresh green beans on the side (her favorite). After while we settled into the living room where I got up the courage to offer her a massage. She replied that she does "not like people messing with her feet." I asked her what she might want for Valentines Day and she said "I guess nothing." Sounds like she doesn't want much from me.
So did you give her a massage, did you drop the conversation? What? You're going to have to put more effort into this if you want to get anything out of it.
Sorry my last post wasn't clear. No massage took place. Her answer was NO. We did not continue the conversation. As my offer of massage was the first overture either of us has made in eighteen years I felt rejected and my feelings got hurt so I retreated to the bedroom, turned on the TV and pouted like a 10 year old until I fell asleep. I should have been prepared for her negative reaction.
Don't get the idea I've given up yet but I'm trying to figure out the best words to use to next approach her. She is just not the type of person that would respond favorably to 'schock & awe' type conversation. Allusion and entendre seem to work better on her. She will have to be nurtured along slowly if there is going to be any chance of success.
My plan as of now is to apologize to her for pouting. At least that way she will know I'm going through an emotional thing. I'm pretty sure my attempts to become intimate with my wife is going to take some time to play out one way or another.
I can understand why you would feel rejected. One thing I want to warn you of is this...don't baby her. Don't tiptoe around her on this issue....by doing so you run the risk of not communicating to her the way you need to.....and appearing to look weak to her. You don't want to look weak to her, trust me....it's not attractive to women.
I know you say allusion and entendre seem to work best on her....but you run the risk, yet again of not communicating clearly and being taken seriously. You don't have to use the "shock and awe" technique to communicate to her. Sit her down, tell her "we need to talk" and then calmly tell her what you need to tell her...no yelling, no screaming, no fits of anger. Tell her how this makes you feel, I would also address why you've let it go on like this for soooo very long....because she is likely to wonder why in the world you suddenly have an issue with things. If this has been an issue for YEARS you need to tell her so, and take accountability for not addressing it for YEARS too.
I wouldn't apologize for pouting, I would tell her why you were pouting, but I wouldn't apologize for it. You have a right to have hurt feelings, she needs to know why your feelings were hurt and how she did that.
Right now you need to communicate clearly (have I said that often enough in this post yet?)....avoid inuendo, avoid entendre....speak from the heart, speak clearly....she will take you more seriously.
How did you ever get so smart? You said to go for it - communicate - so I got up the nerve and stated my case plainly to w. As soon as I told her I still loved and desired her she gushed that she still loves me and wants me and felt exactly as I did about our situation. While we agreed to go slowly on reviving our sex life we are in love again like newlyweds. I can't thank you enough.
