Update--X and I met for a drink and she ended up not eating alot with the kids, so we got an appetizer to go with it. In general, the conversation went well. Mostly initiated by her. She talked about work mostly an had the following comments about it.
She told me that come August, she plans to leave there and take a month off to hang with the kids. (Nice to be able to do that!!! Ths is the part that she has never gotten about people like me who HAVE to work to support a family, even now. For her, it is just something to do and have extra cash.)
Another thing she brought up and was having difficulty saying; because she didn't want to toot her own horn. She said that the manager where she works tends to schedule the tall thin woman on weekends (transaltion=attractive).
As we talked a bit more, she pulls out her bosses business card that has the restaurants phone number on it. She tells me why don't you write it down in case you need it. (Not sure why she said that...Maybe I read too much into it; but it is easy enough to look up or call information. And it's not like I would have many reasons to call her there. On top of it she carries her cell with her, even while working???
The only funky thing was that she still would go out; but getting time off right now is a little bit of a problem. Then she starts saying how this other waitress wanted her to go for drinks next weekend. I said I thought you weren't able to get out. She said that she would go, if she is working, for one with this girl before going home. I guessthe girls birthday is next weekend and she and her boyfriend broke up. This girl is in her 20's and my ex is in her 40's???? i don't get it??? She also mentioned how that girl asked her before I did to do something. So, I guess I am not important enough or is this another self protective measure by the WAW???
She also wants to go some other places and her boss said why do you want to do that ? She told him, that you have a girlfriend and it's not like I have a boyfriend. (Like I wanted to hear that)
I guess I don' see my ex as one who would use me until something comes along; but I also didn't think we would be where we are right now. I am tryingto back off a bit; but not sure what she is thinking or if sh is thinking clearly. I have asked this before and I guess I will ask again. Is this typical for a WAW who might reconcile? IS ths just her not being ready. Is this something I should give some more time to??? I have read MF's threads....Thanks sam...I just don't want i to give me false hope.
So, ultimately, I guess I wonder when to know it is over for real. I would have thought this would have died out by now. I mean, I figured she would just say, stop trying...She sometimes seems to insinuate this; but never comes out and says it. She has never had a problem being direct about this type of stuff before. I am definitely confused.
One last bit. While swimming she lays out another regret. She says something like: "With the way I do things in my life, I should just kill myself" (Said jokingly)
I am going to try an get my kids and I together on Sunday for a family portrait whie she is working. She even gave me her discount card to the portrait shop. Whatperson does this for a ex she divorced and doesn't want?)
Quote: am going to try an get my kids and I together on Sunday for a family portrait whie she is working. She even gave me her discount card to the portrait shop. Whatperson does this for a ex she divorced and doesn't want?)
What person? Perhaps one that sees you as a friend. Maybe one that feels guilty that you are hurting or still hung up on her?
Frank, as my wife opens up, I'm finding that when she said she wanted to be friends, that is what she meant. She knew I was hung up on her and was hurting and she wanted to help me through it because she still cared. But she says she didn't want to try again with me because things would go back to the way they were before. She said she was actually happy when it seemed I was moving on.
These are harsh realities for me. Maybe those are things she told herself. Maybe despite what she told herself, her actions said to me (and to other people as well) that she wasn't over us. Regardless, she says that she didn't want to try again with us.
I think if you want to continue with the contact, swimming, whatever, that it's fine, but you should temper your expectations that she wants something more from you. And I think that emotionally you need more detachment. What would you do if nothing ever materializes between you? Will you be okay? What if you find out she's dating someone else? What if she even drops the bomb that she's engaged? Will you be okay regardless. You shouldn't need her in your life to be happy and complete. Can you say that you could take her or leave her?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
What person? Perhaps one that sees you as a friend. Maybe one that feels guilty that you are hurting or still hung up on her?
Well, I know that my "friends" would always be up front and honest with me. They would never let me linger. I mean she knows I care for her and such. So, a friend would come clean and say "I don't think we should meet like this; because I know it will only hurt you."
Quote:
What would you do if nothing ever materializes between you? Will you be okay? What if you find out she's dating someone else? What if she even drops the bomb that she's engaged? Will you be okay regardless. You shouldn't need her in your life to be happy and complete. Can you say that you could take her or leave her?
If nothig ever materializes, that would be sad; because if she ever really did love me and our relationship, then she would see it is solvable. Our problems are minor. I was talking to my cousin, in Hawaii, last night about my son...she has an autistic child. Anyway, she like me had issues in her marriage and then they both realized that what you were brought up like is what you bring to your marriage. And I like her came to the realization that yours nor the spouses way is necessarily correct. What needs to happen is to open communication and really listen to each other. Am I guilty of not doing that during our marriage? Sure, and so was she. I see her spewing to me about all the guilt of the affair and how she always messes up her life. I just listen and don't judge. Seems to me, that is what I would and most would want in a marriage. How many people would take someone back after an affair and also forgive them??? Yes, some will; but alot wouldn't.
What woud I do if I found out she was dating? Well, first off, I would think she wouldn't do things with me. Second, it would hurt; but it's not like I wouldn't date too. Only reason I keep doing things with her right now is because nothing of substance has happened from my dates. If it had, I would probably stop doing stuff with her.
Will I be okay? Sure, I will. Like I said it might hurt to go through all those chnages and hope for reconciliation and then not have it happen; but I know in the end I made changes that I needed to do. Also, I know tht there will be someone else if that is the course this takes. I guess I am just the type to want to make sure that we both have no interest in fixing it before I give up.
I think the only unhappy part of being with someone other than her is the same thing that makes me unhappy now. Not being there every day to see my kids grow up. Thatis not why I want to be with her; but it is the part that is tough to live with.
Frank
P.S. I also think that I get discouraged that in some ways, and rightfully so, I am restricted by her decisions on where she moved. If I want to be near my kids and see them as often as I can, then that really limits my dating pool. I mean I don't want to go 50miles the other direction and like someone and then have to decide between them or my kids. That would hurt almost as much as the divorce did.
Quote: Will I be okay? Sure, I will. Like I said it might hurt to go through all those chnages and hope for reconciliation and then not have it happen; but I know in the end I made changes that I needed to do. Also, I know tht there will be someone else if that is the course this takes. I guess I am just the type to want to make sure that we both have no interest in fixing it before I give up.
Good. I'm glad for you. As long as you are happy that you made the changes for yourself then you are a success story. It's her loss Frank if she never realizes what she's left behind.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just, Initially, probably like most, at the beginning, I was looking for that magic bullet that would save the marriage. Then when it didn't seem like it was working, I thought about it and realized that I needed to make these chnages and if in the end it didn't move her to work together, then, yes, and not in a cocky way; but her loss. It does make me sad; because if these are the true reasons for us being apart, then it only takes some trust to believe in someone and try. If you truly love somoen, you will see that. For instance, I don't think anyone would blame me if I walked away from someone who had an affair; but I think as much as it hurts me that she did that, I would give her understanding and though I don't approve of what happened, I understand that at a weak moment she felt lonely. the difference between her and I on that is that I would never have done that with a married woman.
I guess right now, I am lonely and just want something to break for me, whether it be her or someone else. You know, a few opportunities to do some souple things with someone. the type of stuff that you can't really do with your buddies or by yourself.
I also, wish that I could talk to her about all of this. I think she isn't totally ready; but I feel like alot of things got misunderstood that I said during our marriage and that alot of my thoughts on things have chagned too as a result of this. Unfortunately, that goes against all of the DBing stuff. And like I said, I am not sure she is ready yet. I still see her processing guilt over the OM and other things she has done in her life to screw it up. This isn't just me saying that, this is based on comments she made. that is why I wonder if there is still hope; but she has to come out of this funk she is in and MLC before it could happen.
