Okay, here's the scoop. All in all my ex and I had a good day. We drove to the facility to get our son evaluated and then we stopped and had lunch. It was during lunch that a few things came out from her and some indicate a willing ness to maybe fix things; but she just can't get there and others confuse me.
While we were having lunch the topic of her asking for time off and going out came up. Her comment was that I would do anything that she wanted. I told her oh really? She said yeah. I told her that she needed to make sure she had the night off and taht when she knew when it was, that "I would make plans for us" She seems to disbelieve this and I think that is because when we were married, I always wanted to please her by taking her where she wanted to go and she made the decisions. I now want to show her that I can make those decisions. Maybe that is part of what she is looking for. SHe even attempted to find that out by leaving it up to me to order our dessert, which I did make the decision on.
Another issue was taht while we were having lunch, we talked about work and it came up how I basically told them a year ago that I would no longer let them control my life. That I had let them take awayt things that were important to me. To which she replied "It's too bad you didn't do that 6 yrs ago". Man that hurt. I wish she could just see that it is different now. I let work put fear in me that they would let me go and I had a family to support. I know that I let that hurt our marriage; but she also needs to understand that I did it for us and not to intentionally ignore them.
Then, as we talked about a couple of things, she made some strange comments. One was that we talked about doing a few things together and she basically was okay with it; but made the following comment: "So, what are you tryingto take up all of my free time???" To which I rplied: "No, I enjoy my free time too and don't want to give it up either." She also said look what I did when I had free time:(a reference to getting involved with the OM and her guilt about that)
Then was the part that made me feel like she might be using me or trying to protect herself from letting me know she cares. She said something to the effect: "Maybe youshouldn't do some of this; because I have been doing things on my own for awhile now."
Hey, she still wants to do these things with me and doesn't push me away. Question is: Is it because she is afraid to trust that we can make something of this or is it because she is using me? I would think the former; but I have been wrong before.
I guess I will need to play this out and still go on oth er dates as they present themselves. I do pray that she is just having issues with guilt about OM and other stuff. I honestly think she would push me away if she didn't want me around; but hey she is not me. That is what I would do.
Hey Just, is this the behavior that you talkedabout in regards to ex wanting to work it out; but trying to find reasons not to???
Oh yeah, in reference to her above comment about being used to doing stuff alone. I sensed the feeling in something she said that she felt like being alone was what she was destined to do and have no life. Ithink she is being self protective??? I wish I could just talk to her straight out; but she knows that I care. She pretty much said so; but I get the feeling she either feels unworthy of it or still has no feelings. However, if she had no feelings for me, then she wouldn't go out and such. So, I think protecting herself or looking for reasons to not think it could work. Man this is so hard to do. lol
That stuff I think is her working through some things and I see it as a positive. These little comments to me are a sign to listen and see if she opens up a bit. She's skirting the edge of some form of relationship talk, don't know if good or bad, but you should try to talk as little as possible. Good job on not being a little vague about your own feelings. Make sure you are validating, accepting, and supportive of what she has to say. Things are fine. Just keep going with this.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks Just...Like I said this is so hard. It's like all the things that I know bothered her are coming outand being that they are bombarding me all at once and I haveno idea what she wants from this, it makes it hard to not freak out a bit. I am proud of myself that I have stayed in control. I just wish it was time to talk; but I know it isn't.
I just want to get that first "date" out of the way so that I can see if we enjoy ourselves and what I pick for us to do. All this depends on her getting the time off and then getting a sitter. I realized that my parents will be out of town on a trip when we might go out. So, unfortunately, I pretty much have to rely on her to get a sitter as my resources are not as big!!!
Well, I think she is scred and also hates how she got involved in that relationship based on some of her comments. Yes, I try and listen without judgement. like I said very hard to not push; but I am trying. Hey, not in a cocky way; but I know I am worth it and that she and I probably could be happy if she just opened up to me and we could talk. I could let her know what I feel too and how I realize things I did, like she did, to cause us problems.
Only time will tell.
Kind of funny. We were walking out of the gym this morning and she was ahead of me. So, I said "Hey, you come here of ten?" She replied: "Not often enough" Then I said: "You think I might meet up with you here again?" She replied: "That's quite possible". (Hey, stupid banter; but I look and say it was good banter.)
Well, let's hope this is the slow start of something.
Your situation reminds me of Wes' (Just Me's). Look where he is today. I think a big reason he is where he is is because he constantly did sweet things for her. Everyone told him he was pursuing too much, but I think it made her love him again. After he set up a loving relationship between the two of them, he layed down boundaries. All this combined got him where he is today.
Is this how you see it Wes? I know that it seems that when you gave up, she came back. However, I don't think it would have happened if you hadn't done all the previous things you did. What do you think, Wes?
Sam, Thanks for your input and I tend to agree that it is similar to Wes's sitch; but I don't want to placde too much on that, as every case if different; but I can only hope mine sitch does turn like Wes's seems to be going.
Defintitely would like to hear an answer on your question to Wes.
My only bad part of this whole thing is the part wherre she almost makes it like I shouldn't be doing t his; but is that because she doesn't care for me or because she is carrying guilt??? I mean, yes, people do use people; but I don't think that is the case. I think this is a case of guilt and fear and the fact that how do you go back on what you did...the divorce. What makes it okay to go back to a relationship that you divorced yourself from??? See for me, I never wanted the divorce. I will say she is so much more open since she started questioning things withthe other man and then more so since she dumped him!!!
Try reading this thread. Ceberon is a walk-away husband that had an affair. Actually, wife had an Emotional affair first and then he couldn't hack it and turned around and had a PA. He talks about guilt and what it took to overcome it. Maybe you can see wife in him.
Thanks I will check it out. Like I said before, everyone's sitch is different; but it may provide some useful insight.
I know my Ex knows I still love her and I don't think she would keep seeing me with that knowledge; but as I said who knows. I am angry about her affair, whether it happened after or during our marriage; but I would forgive. Hey it hurts; but if she truly wants to fix things someday, it would only make us stronger.
There is no question you two still love each other. That will always be there. I think every situation has hope and a lots of it. After doing this DBing for so long, I can look into people's situations and think, "oooohhh, if you just did this and not that."
It is all so hard to grasp though even if people have it spelled out for them. It goes against what we think we should do and everything we have been taught. However, once you do this DBing stuff long enough, it becomes a way of life and a much healthier one.
I know the situation with your wife is very, very difficult. So much trust has been hurt and things turned out like you would never have expected. Marriages can survive this sort of thing though.
Hang in there. There is a guy on here named MF. He is from a long time ago. His wife had an affair and he went through a lot of the emotions you are describing. I will find that for you too. He also read a book that he highly recommended. People who have read it seemed to like it. I'll find the name of that book too. It's for men instead of women so I didn't read it. I haven't a clue what it is about.
sam, thanks so much I really appreciate all your input and suggestions. Man if I could make this work and she was happy too, I would give both you and Wes a big hug!!!
I felt like it could always be; but not sure if I would ever get a chance from her. Not sure if I will still get a chance or that if I do, that I will want to fix it; but I know I feel like I want to.
This is the closest she and I have been since the separation and subsequent divorce. I wnat to believe that it is real and that she cares back and is just working through things and will eventually get to where I am as far as showing that she cares and feels the same. I just have my guard up; because I remember the pain of when it first happened and I don't want to get there ever again; but am willing to take the chance.
One other thing, as I may have mentioned...I am so angry at her for leaving, not talking together about this (Yes, she did say things sometimes; but never an actual lets sit down and talk), her affair. I can't believe I haven't unleashed this on her. I think right now it is because we might have a chance. It is when she says it will never happen. That is when I fear that it will come out; because I have tried so hard to be understanding and who I think she wants. Yes, I am not faking it. It is me and who I really am. I just lost sigth of me along the way. Mostly because of not handling marriage correctly.
I will add one more thing I forgot from yesterday. I remember my X saying how it was dead at the restaurant she waitresses at. then she said how on the way home she saw the hotel there so busy and she figured it was the restaurant and how come they were busy? Then she says taht it turned out that it was one of those singles dances. She said that she was surprised that so many people go. She din't think anyone wet. That kind of deflated me thinking that she has interest in that. Making me feel like she would choose that over me.
Anyway, I always feared going to those because I figured they would be dead and boring., with no people my age.
Quote: Your situation reminds me of Wes' (Just Me's). Look where he is today. I think a big reason he is where he is is because he constantly did sweet things for her. Everyone told him he was pursuing too much, but I think it made her love him again. After he set up a loving relationship between the two of them, he layed down boundaries. All this combined got him where he is today.
Is this how you see it Wes? I know that it seems that when you gave up, she came back. However, I don't think it would have happened if you hadn't done all the previous things you did. What do you think, Wes?
Sam, I agree. I think the groundwork for at least friendship is an important first step. I really don't think that reconciliation would have happened the way it did if she had walked out the door and I would have just went dark for a year. I don't even know if pulling away at the end had that much influence (I'll never know). My feelings are that the two most important things are working on having a friendship and the tincture of time. Nothing is going to change dramatically until the walk-away works through the issues. She had to do that first and nothing I did or didn't do was going to alter that. I sense your XW working through her issues, part fear of things going bad with you, some fear of what her family will do/say, part guilt, part low self-esteem, part a desire to explore her world now that's she's single.
That's part of why I push giving her some space. She can't work through her stuff when you are around. It's a difficult tightrope to walk....being friends and giving space. You'll manage it Frank. Just don't get impatient.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
