How would I interact if she was the new girl on the block that I was interested in? Well, possibly very similar in that I would want to know if she liked me and wanted to go out and such. But see, there is a difference here. She is my X wife and I have a history with her. So, it is not the same.
Analogies are not meant to be the same in all respects. They can't be. They're meant to provide another perspective based on their similarities, not their differences. The inherent differences can always be argued to exist; that's not helpful, it's not even the point.
My point was, if you treated her as if a new girl, you wouldn't be probing her and obsessing to tell you details as you fish for information. She'd see you as some possible stalker nut and run.
OK, let's reframe it another way. Say you were observing two people as they build a new relationship, and the guy kept on bringing up issues to the point where she asks him to drop it already. Would you think that he's making her very uncomfortable and perhaps could ultimately close her up rather than open her up so as to draw her closer?
Your option is just that: to draw her closer. Right now, you can't put the horse before the cart and work on relationship issues with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you, just because you do.
other than that, it seems she keeps spouting off the things that she believes I am and was during our marriage. I am not that person and as I said for any parts I did have, I have worked to fix that and she is revising history and not looking at herself and her contribution to our demise.
That's where she's at. Let's move along...
Does she still you see as that person you say you aren't? She hasn't changed her opinion then. Perhaps not enough time has been given for her to see the changes and/or consistency with your changes hasn't been provided. Certainly, if you're still behaving in some ways as before, that will be part of the overall picture she has of you. Don't minimize that by protesting that's not you anymore. Accept that she still deems that as you, and continue to work on your changes. She's actually telling you what it is she perceives about you, lucky you, and you can get all the direction you need from what she's telling you, instead of looking at it as "spouting".
And if you're still seeing what she says and does from the viewpoint of your anger/hurt/resentment (I'm not saying you don't have the basis for it), then undoubtedly that's going to taint your efforts. And I think that's what's going on, and it's a vicious cycle, as she sees it and you get nowhere.
All I wanted was a chance a fair shake to fix our marriage.
Consider what you're doing as constituting the chance you're getting, which may be the only chance you get.
Instead she wouldn't then she gets involved with the married guy and then needs me and then breaks it off with him and acts like she doesn't need me. I can't believe that this is the woman I married and loved and still do.
What I'm writing about is really about dealing with the sitch for what it is, acceptance, while you're still in denial. That's fair enough, that's where you're at. All any outsider can do for you is point the way and assist you in coming to terms with what is. It's up to you to do the mental process of hauling yourself there.
Practicing detachment would probably be a good thing to help get your focus off her actions. Build positives!!!!
