How would I interact if she was the new girl on the block that I was interested in? Well, possibly very similar in that I would want to know if she liked me and wanted to go out and such. But see, there is a difference here. She is my X wife and I have a history with her. So, it is not the same. Also, most of the time the interaction is through me. Every so often she will call. It is when I drop the kids off or go swimming with her that we interact. I guess if I walked away I wonder if she would just never bother with me.
I don't want her to hang with me out of guilt. I want her to do it because she wants to. Seems like she needed me around Mid November and through her crisis at Christmas and just after. Noe that the dust has settled and she is out of the woods, the only thing she has initiated was to call me to see if I would put in the cable lines and to get my son tomorrow because she is working. Otherwise, it has just been the already arranged swimming laps and the dinner I am supposed to make for her. But other than that, it seems she keeps spouting off the things that she believes I am and was during our marriage. I am not that person and as I said for any parts I did have, I haveworked to fix that and she is revising history and not looking at herself and her contribution to our demise. All I wanted was a chance a fair shake to fix our marriage. Instead she wouldn't then she gets involved wit hthe married guy and then needs me and then breaks it off with him and acts like she doesn't need me. I can't believe that this is the woman I married and loved and still do.
Quote: I guess if I walked away I wonder if she would just never bother with me.
And if she didn't bother with you would you want her back anyway? In one way or another we are all saying that despite the fact that she may not call or talk to you again, you still need to let go, move on, detach, whatever you want to call it.
To use NYSurvivors example...if this was a girl you were interested in and you kept doing things, making advances, etc and nothing came of it, would you keep chasing after her in the hopes that she would eventually agree to date you? No. Right now your XW is not interested. She may be later when she gets a chance to digest things and a little breathing room. Don't go swimming with her anymore (and don't say...but she motivates me to do it...) My advice from now until she starts initiating the contact is to get away.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: All I wanted was a chance a fair shake to fix our marriage.
That didn't happen. Now there is no marriage. So there is no sense getting upset that she won't work on a marriage that no longer exists. Like it or not, you're divorced, and maybe in her eyes that closes the matter. You can only hope that she wants to make a new R with you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I hear what you are saying; but that still doesn't explain why she at times wants to do these things. I mean I can't just be there whenever; but it is hard; because we are connected by our children and my stepson.
I don't know that I will totally cut off stuff with her. I have backed off a bit and the only reason we have been together lately is because she had asked me if I could install those cable lines a few weeks ago and I told her I would. The other is that she asked me if I could pickup my son from school. I plan on going to see Curious George with him.
BTW, I am communicating with this woman and I might get together for coffee with her if we can set a time. So, I may be wanting to see it work; but I am also and haven't been standing still either.
Quote: but that still doesn't explain why she at times wants to do these things
Maybe it's more "willing to do these things" than wants to do them. I'm suggesting being as pleasant as possible when you do see her (at pick up and drop off of kids), but kind of depart from the current pattern of finding things to do with her (ala "wanna play some pool"). Go swimming if you want, but don't invite her. Don't ask her to do anything with you. Act a little more like you don't care. You can be around her when it has to do with the kids without appearing hung up on her.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
How would I interact if she was the new girl on the block that I was interested in? Well, possibly very similar in that I would want to know if she liked me and wanted to go out and such. But see, there is a difference here. She is my X wife and I have a history with her. So, it is not the same.
Analogies are not meant to be the same in all respects. They can't be. They're meant to provide another perspective based on their similarities, not their differences. The inherent differences can always be argued to exist; that's not helpful, it's not even the point.
My point was, if you treated her as if a new girl, you wouldn't be probing her and obsessing to tell you details as you fish for information. She'd see you as some possible stalker nut and run.
OK, let's reframe it another way. Say you were observing two people as they build a new relationship, and the guy kept on bringing up issues to the point where she asks him to drop it already. Would you think that he's making her very uncomfortable and perhaps could ultimately close her up rather than open her up so as to draw her closer?
Your option is just that: to draw her closer. Right now, you can't put the horse before the cart and work on relationship issues with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you, just because you do.
other than that, it seems she keeps spouting off the things that she believes I am and was during our marriage. I am not that person and as I said for any parts I did have, I have worked to fix that and she is revising history and not looking at herself and her contribution to our demise.
That's where she's at. Let's move along...
Does she still you see as that person you say you aren't? She hasn't changed her opinion then. Perhaps not enough time has been given for her to see the changes and/or consistency with your changes hasn't been provided. Certainly, if you're still behaving in some ways as before, that will be part of the overall picture she has of you. Don't minimize that by protesting that's not you anymore. Accept that she still deems that as you, and continue to work on your changes. She's actually telling you what it is she perceives about you, lucky you, and you can get all the direction you need from what she's telling you, instead of looking at it as "spouting".
And if you're still seeing what she says and does from the viewpoint of your anger/hurt/resentment (I'm not saying you don't have the basis for it), then undoubtedly that's going to taint your efforts. And I think that's what's going on, and it's a vicious cycle, as she sees it and you get nowhere.
All I wanted was a chance a fair shake to fix our marriage.
Consider what you're doing as constituting the chance you're getting, which may be the only chance you get.
Instead she wouldn't then she gets involved with the married guy and then needs me and then breaks it off with him and acts like she doesn't need me. I can't believe that this is the woman I married and loved and still do.
What I'm writing about is really about dealing with the sitch for what it is, acceptance, while you're still in denial. That's fair enough, that's where you're at. All any outsider can do for you is point the way and assist you in coming to terms with what is. It's up to you to do the mental process of hauling yourself there.
Practicing detachment would probably be a good thing to help get your focus off her actions. Build positives!!!!
I do try and make like I don't care at times. Like last night I was installing those cable lines and she and I had minimal contact while I did that. Also, I acknowledged that she said thanks; but I never really looked over at her I just took the suff I used to install the lines and left. Yes, I did play a game of pool. I enjoy it and wanted to see how I did and how she did. After I left there, I went to a pub I know and hung out with a few people for a a bit. On Mondays, they sometimes put a mvie on and have a few drinks.
Tonight for example, I am going to grab a bite to eat and then go to my friends house to hang. I could go finish the cable jobe over her house; but I will give it a day so that I am not there all the time.
Yes, I know that she needs to come to me and I would never want her if I had to beg her to reconsider. It would never work. I guess I just felt like she opened up to me and was close and then poof. Major pullback. Disappointing that's all. Hey I am not perfect; but I am one of the best things that she has had in her life and the most loyal and caring too.
Man what is with my X? I get a call from her and she says she wanted to make sure that I am getting my son from school today; because she is working. I told her yes and she said she would call whe nshe is done to let me know I can bring him home. (I know thatand I hate bringing him "home" I love him so much )
Well, then she mentions a couple of other things including the Dept. of Revenue, which handles child support stuff. She starts telling me that she needs to contact them; because she is still not getting the money in a timely manner. She knows that it is automatically deducted from my check and that I am not the one holding it up. We did this as more of a convenience than for any other reason. In fact, it was working so much better when I handed her a check every week. Well, she starts complaining that she is short on cash and that her bills are mounting and that they are going to cancel her car insurance and that she has to pay double the amount because she is late on the payment. (Man it is so hard not to just say...It was your choice to initiate this divorce and that is now your problem. I feel bad and had even offered to front the money till it comes in; but she didn't want to do that. Now she tells me that someone, probably her mom, told her to start getting weekly payments from me until it comes in and then reimburse me and then we could go to court to have it changed to me paying her directly. Hmm sounds like what I originally offered!!!) Well, I told her that she will probably not get far with them. They will just tell her that she needs to go to court to get the method of payment changed. I offered to go in with her and we may; but hey I am so sick of being the good guy. It goes unappreciated.
Well, towards the end of the conversation, I told her I am upset that this gets so screwed up and that my kids don't get what they should on time. She starts defending herself saying that the kids are getting what they need. Getting fed, have a roof over their heads, etc. She says: "Your kids are being taken care of" I am like why are you making like I am blaming you? I am angry at the Dept. of Revenue for screwing this up!!! Man she just doesn't get it. We are on the same page and she is trying to make like we have a problem. Hell, I have done all the right things and I still am the bad guy.
Then she starts talking about her job and that she is requesting a day off when our son has a doctors appointment. She starts spouting about how she is going to set the ground rules right now as to when she can work. She tells me that if they don't give her the day off, then she will just take it regardless. Obviously, this job isn't all she wanted it to be!!!
I feel for her; but I want her to acknowledge that she is the one who put herself in this position not me. I am not to blame for her hardship. On the other hand, she is to blame for what I lack. The company of my children everyday...the company of a family and wife. She has destroyed all that and somehow I have to just listen to it. She gave up that right long ago. Unless of course she wants to work on things. She also starts on how the kids don't want her to work nights, etc. Well, when you have no background or skills, that is what happens. She had ample opportunity after High school to get a degree and always found a way to screw it up by being with some guy. It's about time she felt some pain too. I love my kids and the family we had and she just wants to complain because life is a little hard for her. Wake up and smell the coffee...life isn't free. I would trade places with her in a minute to have my kids there all the time. She can't even appreciate that. She can't appreciate that even though I got dumped on by her, that I have made positive efforts to improve myself and hopefully put our marriage back together. Sure, a month ago when there was a crisis, who did she turn to? ME!!! Now I guess I have outlived my usefulness. Well, yes, I am venting, so that I don't lose it on her. I deserve better and will have better. It just saddens me that it will never involve my kids enough or her. I assume that this is probably the end for us. Not that it wasn't probably over awhile ago for her.
I really thought she would come around based on how she was acting a month ago. Now I feel like she is more lost than I thought. Why, I ask does she get the kids, a house, etc. and gets to screw the OM who was married and noone ever finds out. Me, I tried to do the right thing and for now, I get nothing. Seems unfair. Oh well, like I said just venting.
So, NY and Just, do we now say it is over or is there still some hope. Is this normal in the process for people who eventually fixed things or is this too far gone???
Well, got to go in a minute to pickup my son and take him to see Curious George. See, I am GAL!!! lol
She vented to you, just as you are doing here. Understand, validate, and sympathize. Don't offer solutions. Get out of the "Mr. Fix-it" routine.
I'm amazed at the system in your state. In mine, you are pretty much obligated to pay through the state disbursement unit. No direct payments. They want to know that you are paying. I personally feel that I wouldn't try to change to direct payments. That way she can't claim someday that you didn't pay her.
Quote: So, NY and Just, do we now say it is over or is there still some hope. Is this normal in the process for people who eventually fixed things or is this too far gone???
Yes, we say it is over and we proceed as though it is. What's your life look like without your wife Frank? Can you learn to love it without her?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I can live without her if necessary; but it is not what I would like to happen. There are alot of people out there...it's just been hard finding them.
Also, there will always be a hole in me that can not get repaired due to the loss of family as I needed it and hoped for. Different is okay as long as they are in my life; but I know that I will be the parent on the outsied and that hurts and is unfair for her to get after she initiated and also did other things.
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