I agree about the cycle thing. I guess I can see if when I leave tonight, if I can just say sorry. I don't want to be a pushover; but I do regret that she was hurt by that and that is not who I am. That was said during a time where she was angry at me too!!!
I wish she could like me just push aside some of the things from the past and see that I have worked alot on treatingthings differently. I will still make mistakes; but if she only looked at some of the positives, then she might realize it is worth saving. But, that is something she has to want and so far she isn't willing to let that guard down enough. I mean she also needs to realize that she isn't perfect either.
I honestly believe that we and alot of others end up divorced for bad reasons. If people only took the time to talk and to give each other a chance and truly listen to the other, then we wouldn't be divorced.
Well, the X called and my stepson is not going to go workout today as he is sick. Right now she is getting my daughters hair cut and then she will be home. I am supposed to go over and put in those 2 cable lines for her. Seems there is another problem too. The TV downstairs is fuzzy. I did notice that the connection was loose. I told her I would look at it. She then says: I will pay you for the materials. You shouldn't haveto pay for it. I said that is fine. then we talked a few minutes about work and she said it went fine. She has more paperwork to read and today had a certified trainer for waitressing. She told me that the trainer told her that last Saturday she shouldn't have had to do some of the stuff she did. I told her I was surprised that they have so much stuff for her to do and read. I mean my job as an engineer requires less of that. She said today was a little boring and that because of training they have her on alot of days and that she needs to not do as much after the training is done.
Well, it was cordial and she said thanks; but I just feel like this is never going to get any better and that saddens me; because I honetly know that it could be wonderful if both of us would just give it a chance. I can't make her and it seems unlikely that she will ever come around. I will keep trying for now; but when do I totally give up? I mean I will do other things and maybe date too; but right now as angry as she can make me sometimes, I still love her. Just afraid she will never let herself love me back. As I said it is really sad. We had so much ability to make a great life for ourselves and armed with the knowledge of our failures, we could be so much more.
I guess maybe I am wrong in thinking there might still be a chance!!!
I do regret that she was hurt by that and that is not who I am. That was said during a time where she was angry at me too!!!
Well, I'd say it's still part of who you are, and not part of who you want to be.
Changes take a while to become second nature. Along the way, we make mistakes.
Practice, practice. Practice on everyone around you.
If she chooses to be angry at you, that's her doing, and no justification for like behavior, right? In fact, it's in the face of adversity that staying on the high road has its most merit.
If you were in a healthy love relationship, and your partner was angry at you, that would be when you'd have to say to yourself, "I love this person... she's angry... I'm pissed... but in what manner should I react?" as well, right?
I wish she... but if she only... then she might realize...
Wishes and Ifs, my friend. That's dealing with fantasies.
I mean she also needs to realize that she isn't perfect either.
You know it's natural for people not to recognize their own flaws and not see how their behavior affects others, because their behavior doesn't affect them.
but I just feel like this is never going to get any better and that saddens me; because I honetly know that it could be wonderful if both of us would just give it a chance... it seems unlikely that she will ever come around.
So let me ask you, back in the heyday when your M was going well, did you feel that it was always going to be wonderful?
IOW, you're projecting today into the future as if things can never change. Yet change is the only constant.
She's not on the same page as you right now, and so thinking in terms of "if only she would..." is not dealing with things as they are, but as you'd like them to be, and that can be upsetting and disappointing because you're focusing on a dream. When circumstances change, then the dream may become reality.
I will keep trying for now; but when do I totally give up? I mean I will do other things and maybe date too; but right now as angry as she can make me sometimes, I still love her. Just afraid she will never let herself love me back.
That's nothing you have any control over, you can only influence it along and nurture it, so that if and when she has reasons to change her views, there you'll be, all shiny and nice.
When do you 'give up'? Well, better interpersonal skills and self-growth you never give up ideally, 'letting go' or 'dropping the rope' is better done sooner than later, as well as is 'moving on' by focusing on yourself and GAL and planning as if she's never to return... all that being said, you'll know when you're done when you wake up one morn and nothing about this is on your mind nor bothers you anymore. You'll heal and accept what is, and even then, you could have the door open, you'd just not be hanging around the door.
Last night when I got to my friends house, I honestly thought that I had given up for good. I never even talkedto my friends about anything that happened which is unusual for me with them!!! I guess I was wrong...I still have feelings for her and that is what makes this hurt.
See, I have and continue to work on my flaws and I will never be perfect; but I think I'll come close!!!
I guess I really thought that based on her complaints when we separated that my changes would make alot of difference. I guess I felt we were the classic example of someone who acted too hastily in divorcing and that by my working on me that she would appreciate it and come around too. I am happy with most of me and disappointed when I stumble. I really thought we could be a success story. I know in the end I will be a success; because I never want to go back to where I was a year ago.
For her, I am disappointed that she doesn't acknowledge the changes, that she doesn't see her faults and that she doesn't give things a chance. I mean if I was still doing the things she complained about, then fine; but I am not. Yes, every so often; but rarely, I do have stumbles; but on the whole, I have been determined to be nicer and to try and let things go alot of the times. I know that it isn't worth it.
So, when do I get to reap some benefits from this stuff??? lol I mean if not with her, then why not anyone else? I feel like I always lose out to someone.
I am basically alone, as my mom and I never see eye to eye. I am happy with the ways I have worked to improve myself both mentally and physically; but I feel like I will never have that love again. I mean it took 22 years to find the person I wanted to be with and then another 10 to finally get her and I to marry. then poof 11yrs later it is in ruins!!! Well, enough venting for now; but I just want something positive to happen.
I guess I really thought that based on her complaints when we separated that my changes would make alot of difference. I guess I felt we were the classic example of someone who acted too hastily in divorcing and that by my working on me that she would appreciate it and come around too.
It sounds like that's the scenario you had in mind, and it hasn't panned out that way so far, and so you're disappointed.
Yet it could work out a different way, T. Why not forgo such expectations and let time do its thing, and see how life unfolds?
For her, I am disappointed that she doesn't acknowledge the changes, that she doesn't see her faults and that she doesn't give things a chance... I mean if I was still doing the things she complained about, then fine; but I am not...
So, when do I get to reap some benefits from this stuff???
You're already reaping benefits, just not yet everything you'd like.
If you mean when will she acknowledge your changes?... that may come sooner or later. Look at my sitch: WAW out of the house, living with BF for almost two years now, living 130 miles away, limited contact with me, haven't seen her since last July I think, no ties between us, divorced... then out of the blue she emails me recently, opening up some, writing that she sees things in my [few] emails to her that makes her say, I don't know this guy anymore. He's completely different than the man I remember living with all those years. He seems incapable of being the kind of guy he was.
What did I do for a major part of that time? Worked on myself, my issues, my healing. It just shows in how you breathe; it spills over unknowingly into other aspects of yourself, somehow, it shows, even through limited contact and miles of space between.
What's happened with her in the meantime? Beats me, but it sounds like she's discovering that things still don't work great for her as she envisioned once upon a time so diehardedly they would. Also, a bunch of time has passed wherein I haven't added to her justification, but have, by showing that I was capable of changing, that there wasn't any justification. Moreover, I've given her maybe about a year plus of positive contact.
What I'm saying is, we make changes, improvements, in ourselves, for ourselves. Time and circumstances can change things from the way they are today. And WASs may and can notice and reflect.
lol I mean if not with her, then why not anyone else? I feel like I always lose out to someone.
Are you kidding? We are wonderful people We've gotten our heads cleared and can only attract other wonderful people, as all others cannot relate to us well because we don't play their dysfunctional games anymore.
but I feel like I will never have that love again. I mean it took 22 years to find the person I wanted to be with and then another 10 to finally get her
Let's see, in my case, it took me 26 years to find my first W, then after that ended, took me 7 years to find my current ex, so the way I see it, your track works one year faster than mine. So what are you complaining about?
But in any event, life doesn't know these numbers so as to replay them forward going, and true love could be right around the corner for all we know.
Well, went over to put in the cable lines and she was making dinner for them. they ended up eating while I worked on the lines. I remember she used to say that whenever I might be there that I am was more than welcome to eat with the kids; but she never offered. That was okay; but it would have been nice if I was at least asked. I mean what did that teach the children? That their dad is insignificant?
Well, I kept workingand then she just went downstairs and hung out with the kids like I was just some worker there
At one point, we were talking the billiards and she had gotten some new sticks. She tells me that the brother in laws told her she was pretty good and she should come to pool some Friday night. This is the same pool get together where my ex-inlaws and my coworkers and I go. She saidshe had been thinking of going sometime; but that she had been busy they were getting together. I said how come you never went with me before? She said you never wanted me to go and you hardly used to go because you didn't like those guys. I told her that I always wanted her to go and that it would have been more fun and a chance for us to get out together. I said I stayed hom with you; because I would have rather done stuff with you and the kids. I also told her that it wasn't true that I didn't like those guys. I do find some of them strange; but I felt like doing family things togethr was more important. She replied let's not go down this path. So, I dropped it. For some reason, she has this revisionist history about how things were. I mean both of us found stuff that we together didn't like about hanging with her family; but I was never against it. In fact, I am the only one of the son-in-laws to go to everything. The othrs always found an excuse at times to not go. I don't want her back just to hae her. I want her back because shewants to be back. that is what is so tough. Wantingto talk to her about it; but knowing that anything that I might say would be like tryingto convince her and I don't want that; because she would come back and then feel like she was cooerced. I want her to come back of her own free will; but without some nudging, I feel like I won't know what she is thinking.
At one point I needed her help to move something and I said "Hey Hon, can you help me move something?" She said "Where did that come from?" I wasn't messing with her I meant it. Well, I finished up for the night and my daugter nd her were playing pool. SO, I asked her if she wanted to play a game before I left. She did and we ended up playing 2 games. During the game she laughed at a line in a song she liked. I assume it related to OM...Then I asked her about a cd that I couldn't find...She said she might have i and that the song always reminded her of the Movie City of Angels...She said she had watched it twice and that she took crap from someone about watching it. I asked who; because it was a good movie. She first said she couldn't remember. Then I said you can't remember. Then I realized it was the OM and she said she realized who and that is why she didn't say. Well, I got her that movie from the kids at Christmas. So, this wasn't too long ago I do believe he is not in the picture still.
Well, we finished playing pool and then I left and she thanked me and said that the kids will be happy that the tvs will have cable soon.
I just feel like I am not as good in her mind as the OM and that it will never get fixed. And if that is true I am just sad. I will give it more time; but it just feels discouraging. I am a better person and whoshe supposedly wanted. So, why not recognize it!!!
I so much want to ask her what the hell she wants??? I mean why hang with me if you have no intention of fixing things.
Frank
P.S. My X is working Friday night and she told my daughter that she couldn't tkae them to family swim at th Y on Friday. I told her I would like to take them then. She said oh I am not sure if my parents have anything planned with them. I said that I am their dad and would liketo do that with them.
No repitition from me this time. Go back and re-read everything NYSurvivor wrote and try to apply it. I can just see you trying so hard with your ex-W. Everything and anything is an oversight or a slight.
Frank, nothing is necessarily as it seems. My XW was literally pleased when she felt I had moved on. "Now he won't be bugging me." She wanted me out of her hair. She was excited with the thought of tying up the last of the loose threads by getting her stuff out of the house and getting her name off the house. She was anxious to move away. Knowing that hurts, but it makes me realize that I shouldn't have pushed as much as I did and makes me realize that you are pushing too hard. Get away from her for awhile. I mean it. Spend time doing your own thing.
I'm only certain of one thing...mentally you aren't yet where you need to be. I know you're doing things, but you are also spending inordinate amounts of time concerned whether you match up to OM, when and if you are ever going to be together, and why can't she see your changes. It's all about her. I honestly do not think you will be successful this way. You know how your always asking when you should quit and "move on"? As NYSurvivor pointed out...the answer is now. Let go. Accept it is over and proceed with your life accordingly. The door can still be open, but you need to assume she isn't coming through it. Doesn't matter what the reasons are. You be the best guy you can be and if she won't come back or chooses to be with some other guy, why would you want her anyway.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Made a quick call to the X's house knowinghat she was working. I was goingto leave a message to remind her that baseball registrations for the kids are dure tomorrow. To my surprise, and I am not sure why, my Father-in-law answered the phone?? So, I told him why I called and that I was going to leave a message; but could you give the message to her. Thanks.
That was all; but I hate havingto deal with him. I have tried to be friendly and talk to him on many occasions and I guess he has something against me. To which I am surprised; because I never hurt his daughter. I loved her and he knew that. If he only knew what his daughter was doing this past year. I just can't understandhim. Like I have posted previously, his mom died giving birth to him and thenhis dad left him with relatives and moved to England. Family spposedly was always so important to him. Seems to me that instead of destroying it, he would try and help fix it. In otherwords, talk to his daughter and I about things. My mom tried and failed. But even if it didn't work, he should at least be cordial to me as I am to hi. I don't hate him; but I am disappointed in the immaturity of someone his age.
I honestly believe that alot of why we don't fix things lies in the fact that her family members get in the way.
I so much want to ask her what the hell she wants??? I mean why hang with me if you have no intention of fixing things.
What I see in your post is you being the antagonist. You probe, you assume, you end up defending yourself. That's all great if you wish to reinforce walls.
Let go of that thinking. It only adds to your pain and frustration. Why hang with you if she has no intention of fixing things? Why is that the question? She can't hang with you unless that's the motivation? Maybe she still enjoys your company, just doesn't wish to be in a relationship with you right now. "Fixing" the relationship is probably the last thing on her mind, for to fix it would mean she'd be with you. She's not on that page. You are.
Instead, why not accept that she still finds your company attractive to some degree and use those opportunities to make her even more comfortable with your company instead of opportunities to quiz her to satisfy your puzzlement, which only makes her uncomfortable and guarded around you? How would you inter-act with her if, let's say, she was the new girl on the block you were interested in? Put on that mind frame.
Right now she is getting my daughters hair cut and then she will be home. I am supposed to go over and put in those 2 cable lines for her. Seems there is another problem too. The TV downstairs is fuzzy. I did notice that the connection was loose. I told her I would look at it. She then says: I will pay you for the materials. You shouldn't haveto pay for it. I said that is fine. then we talked a few minutes about work and she said it went fine. She has more paperwork to read and today had a certified trainer for waitressing. She told me that the trainer told her that last Saturday she shouldn't have had to do some of the stuff she did. I told her I was surprised that they have so much stuff for her to do and read. I mean my job as an engineer requires less of that. She said today was a little boring and that because of training they have her on alot of days and that she needs to not do as much after the training is done.
We've gotten our heads cleared and can only attract other wonderful people, as all others cannot relate to us well because we don't play their dysfunctional games anymore.