My X called me about 5minutes ago from her sisters house. She was supposed to call me by 3pm to let me know if my stepson and I were meeting up to workout at the gym. Seems he is still nursing a cold and congestion. Anyway she told me that he said "Do I have to go to the gym today?" I was kind of disappointed at that and half wonder if he is pulling back from me and not interested in going or if it really is the homework and stuff he has on Wednesdays??? Well, she told him that she understood with all that he had on his plate, that he could stay home and maybe go outside and shoot some hoops, toss the football around and such. She never told me why don't you drop bty and play catch with him Guess I shouldn't have expected that anyway; but hey I can always hope!!!
I have tons to do at work anyway. Well, I then said I will see him on Friday to workout. I will pick him up at school and then drop him off at his dads? She said yes. then I said I will see you tomorrow at 9am to swim? She said yes.
Hey maybe it is for the better that we pull back a day; but I will miss seeing him. It was getting nice seeing him that much.
We chatted for a few minutes. Then, at that point I let her go and hung up the phone (she was at one of her sisters house). I was actually proud of myself for not tryingto hang on long with her or attempting to convince her that he should go today.
Like I said in the previous post...I feel like I have a habi that I can't kick!!! Man it is so hard to turn off feelings like she seems to do. She is good at it. I still wonder what all this is about. Like I have said so many times before, I would never do stuff with her if I didn't want to. But maybe I am wrong on how people think. I mean I don't know how many times I have had people tell me: She is probably doing it out of guilty feelings. I guess I just don't follow that one.
It is true that she doesn't seem any closer than weeks ago when she did seem to be loosening up; but hey what do I know.
Just, I am trying to let go a bit; but I still need that fix, that contact right now. lol I know you have said be patient and it has only been a short time that the OM has been out of the picture. Let me ask you, and I know you don't know her or I personally; but do you believe any of the interactions she has had with me give any hope or is it just a temporary thing and it has no chance? I feel like I need to give up for my sanity; but I am afraid if I do, that it could never happen.
Sorry, same old same old...just insecurity and venting.
Well, we met to swim today and she is getting a bad cold. She said I shouldn't have come today because of that and the fact that I didn't do stuff yesterday so I have to do it today. We swam for about 25 minutes then we went into the hot tub for about 10. While in there stupid me reached for her hand. She pulled it back and said don't
Well, I should have expected that. However it is the first time she has pulled back. So, I guess I should probably assume that this is nearing an end?? It saddens me to think that may be the case; but isn't that an indication that she just wants to not be with me??? I just feel used. I know that I let myself go there and I knew the consequences before going in; but I really had hoped that we could fix things...I know that there is still the chance; but is that realistic??? Only she knows and maybe people like Just who have been there before???
She hasn't said go away; but isn't that pretty much what she is saying by her actions??? So, the question is do I totally pull away or do I still maintain contact and swim like we have been??? I really do enjoy the workout with her; but I am bummed too.
I am lost on this. I am still open to fixing it as much as I am open to meeting new people to hang with too. The latter hasn't really happened alot.
My other issue is that I really don't care for the place I am in now and would love to move to the town where she and the kids live; but I am afraid of being lonely and having to start over once again after a year of doing that. Plus, I am afraid I will constantly think about her and if she or the kids are outside. Really, beyond her, what it comes down to isthat I miss my kids daily and I feel like she had no right to take them from me...just as I would have had no right to do that to her either...I am there for my kids; but as my youngest innocently said...I am not in their family; because I don't live withthem. As innocent asthis was, it really hurt and I resent that she took what I wanted most from me...my family.
Okay, so I did well last night. I dropped the kids off took care of what I needed to with the X regarding my taking the kids this weekend. And I left without giving a hug, kiss, etc. Was hard; but I did it. The only thing I did that I am not sure was good was that when I picked them up last night, my X signalled for me to come in, as she was on the phone. It turned outthat she was calling for her work hours. She starts on Saturday waitressing. Well they wanted her to start today; but she has kids coming over for a sleepover for my daughters birthday.
They were all supposed to get picked up at 10am Saturday and then she was to drive the kids to my place...about a 25 minute drive. Well, they want her at work at 10:30am, so there is no way that she could get them to me and be at work at the same time. (I already drive most of the time; but the gas is getting expensive and I didn't move, she did) So, stupid me, I offer to come get them so she can get to work on time. Why do I do this??? I should let her experience some of the pin for the decisions she made; but I always seem to open up my mouth and help her...
I mean I am glad to do so because that is who I AM: BUT I think she should have to deal with her decisions. Am I wrong in helping her, since there is no indication of any future together??? Heck, with the child support and her waitressing, she is going to be bringing in more than me, even though I am the one with the fulltime degreed job that I worked hard in college and professionally to have for us and the family. I don't begrudge the money going to support my kids; but I do get upset that I am not allowed in their lives daily.
Should I just give up on her totally or is there still a chance that it could turnn around???
Just, I guess this is the part of where, like you I start to give up; but I am not so sure how I will do that. I am going out tonight with a friend of mine. She isalso divorced and she likes me; but I am just her friend. I am open to meeting new people; but worried that this is or isn't the end for X and I....
Opinions?
Frank
P.S. I had literally given up on her about 6 months ago and then I let her back into my heart. I guess she never really left it; but I had let go a bit. Now I need to and I don't want to. My daughter would like me to move to the town they are in and I want to; but I am afraid if it will be too much to deal with.
Quote: Well, I should have expected that. However it is the first time she has pulled back. So, I guess I should probably assume that this is nearing an end?? It saddens me to think that may be the case; but isn't that an indication that she just wants to not be with me??? I just feel used. I know that I let myself go there and I knew the consequences before going in; but I really had hoped that we could fix things...I know that there is still the chance; but is that realistic??? Only she knows and maybe people like Just who have been there before???
She hasn't said go away; but isn't that pretty much what she is saying by her actions??? So, the question is do I totally pull away or do I still maintain contact and swim like we have been??? I really do enjoy the workout with her; but I am bummed too.
Don't worry about the pullback, that happened to me about 500 times. But in my opinion, there is just too much of you. It is overkill, exercise with s-son, exercise with her, then visitation. If the pursuit appears too much to us reading your thread it is the same with her. Cut it down a notch. Be friendly, but a little less obviously hung up on her.
As for helping out...I think it's okay. THink about her as your best friend. What would you do for your best friend? Don't cross the line though onto big favors. When you are "getting a life", don't compromise those things for her. Beg out based on previous plans. In fact, even if you don't have plans you might consider turning down a favor once in a while.
Lastly, about guys at her place of work. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that. It seems to me that when you sense she has the opportunity for more male attention, you turn up the heat. You do more pursuing. All that does is draw the contrast between a "needy" guy and these self-assured guys she's coming in contact with. If she chooses to start dating some guy she meets while working there isn't a thing you can do about it. I hate to say this again, but you need to detach more. If that means just knocking on the door, saying a quick hello, grabbing the kids, and leaving, then so be it.
Frank, you've been doing the same thing for months now without improvement. Remember the premise..more of what works and experiment. You need to do something else. From what you write, I feel like you are pushing her away. She may be done with OM, but I'm not sure whether you are coming across as an acceptable alternative.
If possible, maybe you should just get away for a week. And maybe you should also consider asking her to drive to a half-way point.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The thing is that if my stepson can't make it on a Wednesday because he is too busy, then that is fine. However, I still want to workout with him the ohter 2 days, as it is my only contact with him. Also, I enjoy getting pushed to swim more when I am swimming with her. I don't know that I would otherwise. So, I would still like to do that. However, I do try and back off a bit; but I said I would take care of something for her when she asked awhile ago. One is that she asked me to put in 2 cable lines for the kids. I still plan on doing that. The other, unless she wants to back out is that I had told her I would make dinner for her and she seemd excited at the time...not sure now if she still feels that way.
It's hard for me; because I don't want to seem phony or to make her believethat I totally don't care anymore. For instance, last night, I knew she had a wicked cold and so I brought her a Decaf tea and changed the kids for her; because she said it was ok. Tried to help her with that then left right away. (I guess that is good for me these days)
As far as driving half-way, that isn't going to happen...As it is, I drive both ways on Thursdays, every other Tuesday. The only time she drives is to drop them off at my apartment and I drive them back.
Well, I hope I didn't push her away... It seemed like we were gettingalong fine...I guess I just am not the type who gives up on a commitment I made. So, to do this is hard and out of character for me.
BTW, I don't want you to think I don't do anything but pine for her. I do go out, like last night I went to a place to hag and listen to music; because my friend wasn't able to go. Tonight I am going with my other friend as I said earlier.
Well, picked up the kids this morning and drove back my daughters friends from our old house area. This was to help my X who needed to be into work at 10:30am and she had originally told the moms 10am to pickup before she knew her hours.
Things have been okay; but she has been more standoffish. I am tryingto back away and last night I hung out at my friends house. Her and I hadn't seen each other in awhile; because she had gotten back with her old boyfriend who couldn't believe a man and woman could be just friends!!
Let's see, yesterday afternoon, I was supposedto pick up my stepson to workout at 3 and then drive him to his Dad's. My X called me about 2pm and told me he didn't take anythingto workout in or clothes to take to his dads. So, she asked if I could pick him up and then bring him to the house. Idid and when I got there I found out that my youngest had stayed home from school and had a fever. My daughter was having a bunch of girls ove r for a birthday sleepover and she had originally invited her sisters and their kids too (not her dad though ); but they bailed when they heard my youngest was sick. She seemed stressed with all that she still had to do and that the youngest was sick. So, I offered to give her an hour or so of my time so that she could concentrate on the party and I would take care of my son. She said she was okay. So, I let it go and left with my stepson.
I got there this morning and the X was ready to leave for work. She started talking to her mom and I kind of got ignored a bit; but whatever. Then her mom thaked me for her anniversary card and the sympathy card I had sent her sister whose husband had died.
Well, we did talk for a little bit and I wished her luck with the job today. She left and her mom talked to me for a few minutes and left.
One thing that I happened to hear when my X and her mom were talking was that my X went out last Saturday night after all. Not that it is any of my business; but we had gone to dinner with the kids after going to Winterfest and later that night a U2 tribute band was playing that her sister, her husband and sisters friends were going to and she and I had talked of going. She had said she was tired and wasn't going to go. Well, it seems like she did and she has every right to go; but she could have said she was going and not lied. I had wanted to go to see the music and such but didn't want to go alone.
Well, anyway, I am trying to back away; but when I hear that stuff, I start to wonder if it will ever work and whether to bother.
I also was talking to my friend last night...hung out with her until 2am... and the mother of my daughters friend who are both divorced and both seemed to indicate that my and and themselves never went in with the idea of marrying and getting divorced; but then things change and there is nothing you can do to fix it. I told them BS...Does anyone believe that it is true or do they think the love can come back. That is what I believe; but not sure if what they say is correct. I think that if you truly loved someone before that it can come back. My daughters friend seems to believe that when it is over there is no way to get it back. I have a tough time believing that the love can't be rikindled. If it can't, in my case, then I will be sad and will always look at the part I had in it with regrets and saddness that I didn't realize our problems sooner and maybe saved our marriage
I have the kids this weekend, which is great; but part of me wants to give up on her and is saddened by that the other part of wants to keep hoping.
Now I need a plan on how to protect myself from the hurt, if there is a way. I believe in miracles; but maybe I am wrong on that too. Man this is hard to endure as many of you know.
Okay, so now I am closer to thinking it may be over and that makes it confusing. On one hand it really saddens me and on the other, I am angry at her and want to let loose on her and tell her how she has destroyed ours and our childrens lives.
Here is what happened. On Saturday, I asked the kids if they wanted to text message their mom and tell her that they hoped she had a good first day at work. So we did. The message read:
Mom hope u r having a good day at work!
Luv L, A & F
She replied back with:
Thanks hunnies Al done 4 2day Love u guys
The kids and I were on our way to church when we got the reply. When we got back to my apartment, there was a phone message:
Hi this G its' about 4 and M has me on a tentative schedule for next week; because of training, he has me on quite a few days. He has me on the schedule for Wednesday. I was wondering if it was possible you could pick up F cause I won't be able to get him because I have to be in at 10:30. So, I will miss him by a few minutes...You can either drop him off to my dad at my sisters house or you can keep him till I get home. I'm supposed to work until about 3:30. I might be done sooner; but I have no guarantees??...Let me know if it is a problem, then I will let M know and I will switch my day off from Wed. to Thur. or something like that. Tell the kids thanks for the message. I hope F is feeling better and I will talk to them tomorrow. Thanks. (Very lighthearted)
That night I had them call her back to say goodnight.
The next morning I went to drive them to Religious Ed. When I was alomost there, I got a cell call from my X. She had been at mass and was wondering if I would be thee soon. She was going to say hi to them. I said I was. I then said I was going to get coffee after and if she would like to go she could. (I need to waste an hour while they are there and I have no place to go since it is not my town.) She said she had nothing going on so she would go. Well, when I got to the church, she was dressed nicely and I told her that. SHe said I always dress for church. To which I stupidly replied...Not before. You used to wear jeans and sweats. (Not good ) then our youngest who is kindergarten age refused to go into class, which has become a habit and my daughter even commented later on how he gets away without going. Anyway, she I and F went for a coffee and milk!!! We talked a little. Seemed a little forced; but then she talked about not being able to swim on Tuesday because of work; but that we were on for Thursday. Talked about a few other things like the dinner that I was supposed to make her and how the Dept of Revenue has not sent her the support money and our plan to play racquetball soon??? She left and I went to get the kids. Hung out with them and it was tough because all I could hink of was how she walked and how this affected our kids.
Well, I dropped them off and my daughter was showing her the birthday gifts she got. My X didn't want to touch them; because she was dusty from patching and sanding some walls in her house. I said it's too bad you didn't do that before; because I could have used the help in our house. (She never made an effort to help with that stuff which I had hoped she would have.) Then she and I arranged that she would call me when she got hom from work on Monday so that my stepson and I could go workout. I asked her if she would be home Monday night so that I could run those cable lines she asked me to install. I told her I had some time that night and if I didn't finish, that I could finish another time. So far, so good. But then my daughter started getting on her mom for forgetting to give her the folder for Religious Ed. To which my X said that the woman would have to get over it. I had also told my daughter to let the woman know that she ad been at my place and that if there was a problem to the woman talk with me. I let my X know that I said this to my daughter. She seemed okay with it and said the woman needs to let it go; because I had to substitute for her a couple of times. To which I stupidly/jokingly said "Oh, and you are a good choice for that!!!" Well needless to say that irritated her and she said "I know you have said that before." I tried to remember when and I did recall that it occurred many months ago when there was alot of tension and I even knew there was the married guy stuff and the fact that she divorced me. At that time, I felt that she wasn't exactly the best person to teach them because of what choices she had made. Well, I told her I was joking and that I didn't want to argue with her. I said I'm sorry if I hurt you. Let's just drop it; because we have been getting along pretty well. She said you will always be annoying. Man that came from nowhere. Well, needless to say the next minute as I was leaving was strained and she said "I can say what I want in my house." I said nothing other than I don't want to argue or anything...Let's just drop it. I said I will wait for your call to go workout with my stepson. Then I left.
So, I guess I put my foot in my mouth and that she may have no interest in me. I am sad and last night I was at my friends house and never really talked or talked about her like I normally do. I was angry and didn't want to get emotional or feel it might be over. If she thinks I am so annoying, then what the hell is she doing stuff with me for??? IS this another one of those I say something; but it is not what I really mean things???
Frank
P.S. She is working Saturday night and Sunday night. I feel like, even though it is not my weekend, that I should be there with the kids, so that one of their parents is there with them. They don't deserver to be aprart from both of us.
She said you will always be annoying. Man that came from nowhere.
No it didn't, you had just irritated her, said so yourself.
Think of her as having this wound that hasn't healed, and if you irritate it slightly, the whole thing flares up. Women tend to speak in global terms... "you will always be annoying"... what does that mean? That there is still friction being caused and so she doesn't see any basis for thinking that's going to change anytime soon, if ever?
You said you put your foot in your mouth, so apparently your foot is under your control.
Since you're a religious man, you may want to meditate on the scriptures that say (and I'm just giving the gist of it here), 'put away all hurtful words' (Ephesians 4:29, 31).
I am angry at her and want to let loose on her and tell her how she has destroyed ours and our childrens lives.
Though you have a right to be angry, and anger is a normal emotion, that "letting loose" would be a destructive manner to unleash the anger. I found the most constructive way to use anger is as fuel in making one's self determined to be assertive, firm, yet kind; as in setting and maintaining helpful boundaries.
I have a tough time believing that the love can't be rekindled.
Sure it can, in some cases. "Falling in love" is one part chemistry, one part setting, and one part timing. The chemistry part is already there, so the setting and timing may not matter as much; but as much as it can be under your control, repetitive contacts that are pleasant and positive are key in rekindling lost feelings. Repetitive contacts that are unpleasant heap more damage and can stomp out finally any last glowing ashes of love that may remain.
I agree with what you post here and that is the hard thing.
Yes, I did say the wrong thing and I had said that I was sorry for that; but it seems that she associates it with the past and I want to let go of the past and concentrate on the here and now. I have changed alot and that doesn't mean I or she won't have slipbacks; but I am a better person today than I was a few years ago. Back then I wasn't a bad person; but I felt unsupported like she did and so that caused friction between us. Whne she got mad this time, I just stated that this isn't how I want to go and I don't want to argue with her. I want to get along like we have been.
On the second point of not unleashing. I agree and that is not what I want to do. I want to as you say step back and let myself calm down from the hurt and go back with the same positive attitude that I have been working on. Sure it hurts that someone I loved is shooting back at me hurtfully; but I want to let it go and move on to showing that I will not let that destroy me or anyone I am with.l I want to let it go; because there will always be issues that cause friction between 2 people. That doesn't mean give up or stop caring, as she believes. Right now shhe sees things as black and white, good or bad. I see things as that you love; but there will always be little conflicts that in the end aren't worth it.
On your last point. I agree totally. I am trying not to stamp out that last glowing ash. I truly would love for this to turn around and for us to work it out.
Well, I guess the big test comes tonight, when I get my stepson to workout and then install the cable lines she asked me about doing a little while ago. I will take him to the gym and then go about my business of installing the lines and then leaving. I am trying to backoff a bit; but still want to be there if I can.
Guess I shouldn't have expected that anyway; but hey I can always hope!!!
But in my opinion, there is just too much of you. It is overkill, exercise with s-son, exercise with her, then visitation. If the pursuit appears too much to us reading your thread it is the same with her. Cut it down a notch. Be friendly, but a little less obviously hung up on her. 