Well, let's see...Dropped off the kids last night nad helped put them to bed. Then I left. My X was tired and originally, she told me that she was going to go out with her sister to see a band for about an hour. I asked her who was going to watch the kids and she said my stepson who is 14??? Does she really think she was only go for an hour and how safe is that for our kids? Well, it ends up that she didn't go because her sister was tired and so was she.
ANother update is that I got a call from the X and she just told me that my stepson wasn't going to go to the gym today; because he wasn't feeling well. Also, I was supposed to do a GAL thing with some new friends. We were going to seethis band and it turns out they are sold out!! See what I mean about me trying and it always seems to fail!!! lol
Well, I asked her about whether we were meeting up tomorrow for the WInterfest thing and she said she still hadn't setup all the plans and who was going or meeting who. Her parents might go with her and maybe her sister. She told me that she wasn't sure how awkward it would be for them. I asked her well how about you do you want to meet up or not??? She said it was fine; but that she needed to go to her new workplace in the morning to deal with some things and then figure it out from there. She said I don't want to hold up your day. I said that I would enjoy being with the kids. Again it seems to be more about how her parents will feel??? Isn't this about us and not them???
Anyway she will let me know tomorrow what is happening and there is an impending snowstorm headed here too for tomorrow.
Well, I said we are still meeting on Tuesday morning to do the lap swimming and she said "Oh, yeah we will" She seemed pretty much okay with that. It just seems like the real issue is with her parents. I am starting to believe that if her parents would just step back and let us be, that we could fix us; but until she can address that issue, we are in hold. I may be wrong about this; but it seems that anything that we can do together without them there is okay; but if they are in the picture, then it becomes an issue. For instance, meeting to go swim together, having dinner together, making dinner, etc. is not an issue for the 2 of us. But when the family is involved, it is. See, right now she is at their mercy; because she needs them for a babysitter when she works.
I hate this I have plans to workout with my stepson, plans to go out tonight to see a band. All that is now not happening and so I am by myself once again, even though I try to GAL. Then tomorrow is up in the air because of the awkwardness of her parents seeing her and I together. Man this just sucks. I can't push at her; because it will drive her away if we have any chance; but like I said above, the GAL stuff falls apart. My X gives mixed signals based on who is around. I am going nuts over this. I know I try to do other stuff; but it is hard when it never seems to pan out.
Her parents might go with her and maybe her sister. She told me that she wasn't sure how awkward it would be for them. I asked her well how about you do you want to meet up or not??? She said it was fine... Again it seems to be more about how her parents will feel??? Isn't this about us and not them???
I'm missing something here: she said it was fine with her, so how is this about how her parents may feel? How her parents may feel is their problem, not yours. She expresses that they may feel awkward (and they may or may not, but again, that would be their problem and not for someone else to assume), but it's not stopping her, or is it?
but like I said above, the GAL stuff falls apart.
It seems that way, but each GAL episode has no knowledge of the other, so it's not like they're in cahoots to defeat you, so don't be defeated. maybe you oughtta try obtaining tickets earlier next time? Find something else to do for right now.
I know I try to do other stuff; but it is hard when it never seems to pan out.
Oh but think of the lessons you're learning in coping with life's disappointments. Some people pay therapists thousands of dollars over years to get that kind of education that you're getting firsthand for free.
But seriously, T, focus on positives, not the negatives. Focusing on the negatives magnifies them. Also, as I mentioned above, one event is not connected to the other, so it "seems" to never pan out, but nothing's ordained that way in reality. It could just be a matter of trying more stuff to do, or broadening your horizons some, or having a better plan in getting these things nailed down rather than waiting to the last minute.
As far as her parents, I don't know why they should play into this; but whenever she runs into trouble, she goes back to them and then feels the pressure of having to rely on them. I just am not sure if that is what is holding her back or if she has no interest??? To me, it seems that the former is a bigger part of it. I don't think that even if they weren't an influence, that she would be ready to work together just yet; but I do see that she worries what they will think. IF her parents weren't part of this, I honestly think meeting up tomorrow would be a non-issue, as evidenced by her comments and the fact that meeting for dinner the other night, which was enjoyable, or meeting for swimming last week and this coming week was also a non-issue. The common factor here is that her parents are not involved!!! Like I said if her parents were not there, do I think we would just be picking up and working on this??? No, not at this point; but it definitely might progress faster if they weren't. I agree that it is her parents problem; but I don't know that she is ready to stand up to them for me just yet; because I believe she is still feeling out her feelings for and Us. And at this point she needs them for watching the kids. They make it like she owes them.
As far as your other point, I don't really believe that all these GAL things that fall apart are somehow cosmicly related. However, it does get discouraging when it seems to happen all the time. Destroys your confidence that something will go right!!!
As far as getting tickets earlier next time, it is something that this woman was looking into and she had never had a problem getting tickets before; but the place they are playing is small and so sold out. I was just asked last night about it. Would have been fun and kept my mind off my X and stuff. I think that is the most discouraging part. Finding a distraction and then having it taken from you!!!
I will do something else tonight; but it will be some of the same old same old...It gets boring. Especially when you have plans to do something fun.
I guess I just get discouraged because I am not sure which way to go in my life. I mean I don't want to walk away; but if I knew that it was her and not her parents who had the issue with me, then I would not stay and see. But she shows signs of caring and they just seem to put a monkey wrench into it!!! I guess time will tell; but it is hard to just be like I am.
Just got off a phone call with the counsellor. He pretty much told me that I need to stick this out for now; because from what I have told him, he feels that I still love her and that in some ways that she is softening. Otherwise she wouldn't meet me or hold hands, etc. However, he does say that she needs to address her parents influence here and that yes, it might never work; but that it has more potential than months ago.
It's the impatience in me and the fear that it may never be.
Like I said I do try and do GAL stuff; but alot of times it is alone. And lately, alot of the stuff that gets planned to do with others gets cancelled.
I guess I will wait to see if she calls tomorrow to go to the Winterfest with the kids; but that if she doesn't or if she feels that we shouldn't because it makes her parents uncomfortable, that I should just let it go for now and meet her for the swim on Tuesday, etc. and let her have the space and time to work on herself.
It's hard when you are at one place and you are waiting there for the other person to arrive there too and they might never get there.
I honestly thought she and I would never get to this stage where we actually did stuff sometimes with and without the kids, hold hands, etc. That is what gives me a possibility of hope; but there are no guarantees and that is the part I have trouble with.
Well, let's see. My X had to go to orientation yesterday morning for her work. There was talk of her and I meeting up at Winterfest with the kids. She has them this weekend.
I waitied till 12pm and then I started playing Xbox online football. I was kind of bummed that I hadn't heard from her and figured I was getting the big blowoff. Around 1:30pm I got a call on my cell saying that they were headed to Winterfest and that she was running late and just left the house. I asked her if she wanted me to go and she said "It's up to you"...I guess I just didn't want to intrude if she didn't want me there. Anyway, I met her there and her sister and my neice/godchild and my nephew and her husband all hung out. At one point I was with 3 of my kids and the others went to do something else. I felt insecure as to what they were doing....that is a problem I have to deal with. Well, we all hooked up again and I asked her if she wanted to go take the kids to dinner. She agrred to that. So, we went...I believe we had a good time. When we went to leave, she made some comment about how it must have been expensive with what we all had. I didn't say much; because I just enjoyed us all being together. She thanked me; but there is still something distant at times about her. Like she won't let down that wall. She needed to give 2 kids showers and get them to bed and I knew she was tired. I offered to help like I do sometimes and she told me "No, I can deal with it. It's only 2 of them" So, I let it go. Was bummed; but...
It's hit or miss on whether she shows any bit of caring...So, I wonder what it is all about and maybe she doesn't even know. I mean sometimes she just gabs about her new job and other times she doesn't say a word??? Up and down and it really throws me. During dinner she told me that working out on Wednesdays with my stepson might be a problem...(We workout on Mon &Fri too) I guess he gets tired and has homework etc. I wonder if that is the issue or if she is trying to back me away. Only time will tell.
Well, they went to their car and I said bye to them. I then said to her I will see him at the gym on Monday...She said yes...Then I said and we are still on to meet to swim laps on Tues morning...She also said yes...
I guess like NY said I should just enjoy the moment; but I want more whether it be her or if it has to be, someone else.
Well, I guess I just have to ride it out; but I am afraid to keep caring; but I don't want to stop yet either; because even though she is not going forward in showing me anything, she is not going away either. Maybe I am being used; but maybe not.
I know this is the same theme for me lately; but this is what it is about for me. I mean today I am by myself and it is a snowstorm and she is there with the kids I wish I was there with them.
Nothing has really happened or gone wrong. Nor have I talked to the X since Saturday night; but I have had this uneasiness about things...I guess it is that nothing has gone forward and I am wondering if it ever will or if I am not being patient enough to let her realize things can be better??? Or is it because it will never get better?
Just, if you are out there, is this similar to what you went through prior to the turnaround? Not that I expect my sitch to go the same way that yours did; but I guess Iam wondering if I feel no hope and that it may not be the case??? I mean after all she is doing some things with me; but she still keeps me at arms length as though it will never be...
I couldn't edit the last post; but I do want to say that I do try and take what NY said in a previous post and enjoy the moment with her and the kids and let it go from there; but man when you want more, it is hard after you leave them. You do other stuff; but you just look forward to the next meeting. That is where Iam at now and I start to wonder when it will all end or come crashing down. I mean I don't want to give up; but I thought there would be a bit more movement by now....I guess I am impatient. From the outside, this is probably a short amount of time correct?
Quote: I have had this uneasiness about things...I guess it is that nothing has gone forward and I am wondering if it ever will or if I am not being patient enough to let her realize things can be better??? Or is it because it will never get better?
Yes, I had that feeling quite a bit. But things didn't turn around when I had that anxiety about what she was thinking, doing, or intending to do. It was when I had given up and didn't care very much what she was doing. Frank, I moved on. I was dating. I enjoyed spending time with my boys, with other women, and with friends. I stopped asking her to do things together. I still spoke to her like a friend, but I didn't actively seek interactions with her. Emotionally you aren't where I was at....you still are so tied into her and I would bet that she senses it. It was AFTER I quit having those emotions that you are having now that she wanted to try again. Sure, I thought about her, but I looked forward to time away from her as much as time with her. You need to be patient with her and with yourself. Allow yourself the time to work through your feelings and heal. You can't start a relationship with anyone, not even your XW, until you are a little more whole. I personally think it's better to consider that you'll never be with your XW again and act accordingly. Be her friend, but forget about having a marriage to her again. She needs to work through her baggage and decide if she wants to try again with you. Maybe by that time you can decide if you want to give her another chance.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I hear you; but man is it so hard to let go of her. I mean I love being around her and the swimming is a way to do that. I know I may be setting myself up for major letdown; but as much as I go do other stuff, I look forward to seeing her and I know that with her new job, it will be less and only by swimming or talking on the phone, which is not something I tend to do. Usually, I get a call from her about soemthing and such; but not alot. I guess I feel like she may be unsure of things and that is why she does stuff with me. However, a few others that I know have told me she does it out of her own guilt and that I should just walk away. I can't right now and that may set me up for a big fall when she finally does meet someone else
Maybe she will want an us; but we will have to wait and see. She has never been the type to initiate things ever. So, I am unsure of how to approach this with her. She is the type who will see the detachment as me giving up and she will just hold in her emotions regardless of any feelings for me. However, I do agree with you that I need to find a way to be a little more detached from her without giving her the impression that I have given up totally...
Yes, as you said in your post on your thread...Today is ver y hard. It is especially hard for me, as this is the second valentines day without her and the first was occupied by my bringing flowers to a friend who had gotten divorce before me. I just wanted to do soemthing nice for someone and that is what I did last year to get through it. I never thought that a year later, I would be in a sitch where I would be hanging with her. So, this is all new, confusing and exciting to me; but it is also dampened by the reality that there is still not an inkling of an us and that it may never happen. Why I am doing this to myself is confusing. Part of me says give up and the other doesn't want to.
This year, I got her a generic card and one from the kids with 2 gifts for them to give her. Of course she will know that they are from me too...I just hope she doesn't fell weird that I did that.
Well, let's see...I had my kids give my X The flowers and candy (She said you didn't need to do that. I told her I did it for the kids and because I wanted to.)...We each gave her a card. Mine was very generic...Inside a friend suggested that I write something light. So, I wrote:
===
Like Forrest Gump says:
Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you gonna get.
Here's to sharing that box of chocolates with you.
Love,
Frank
===
I think I kind of made her feel bad that I did that for her. She said again you didn't needto do that. I believe she said I don't know what to say. I said say thanks and she did.
Well, I took the kids like I do every other Thursday and when I got back I had stuff to give them and my stepson. I then said I hope you guys ahd a good Valentines day. they said yes. (BTW when my 6yr old was with me, he talked about family and that I wasn't part of his family...I asked why...In his little mind he said because I don't live with them )
Anyway, before I left Iasked my X a few things. One was about my daughter and what she might like for her birthday; because she always says "I don't know"...My X said she got the same responses. So, we came up with one thing and I will figure it out. Then came the second one and it almost caused and argument; but I think it got partially diffused; because when I said goodbye, she said thanks again.
What was asked by me was about some clothes that I had in storage from our house and what I should do with them. She told me to donate them. I said that there were a few things I thought my stepson could use. Then I asked about the shoes that were 10-1/2 size. She said I don't know whose those are unless they were his OM
Well, I guess I rolled my eyes; because i am hurt by that. She gave me this look and I said that isn't fair. I said his feet aren't that big. She said that she knew he ws a 10-1/2. So, unfortunately, I shot back with: So, what other sizes do you know about him that you have measured. (Stupid me) She came back with: I know the size of everything!!! Man that hurt and maybe I deserved it; but it still hurt. Anyway, I we diffused it and as I left I said I hope you had a good Valentines day and she said yes, thanks.
Well, I called my friend who I hadn't been able to talk to in months; becaus of a jealous boyfriend who is not in the picture anymore. I kind of vented to her and told her how I missed us being able to get together; because it made dealing with the X easier; because I had other thingsto do and that put me in a better frame of mind when I wasw her.
Well, I am trying to detach; because I have no idea if there ever will be a reconciliation; but I feel like a drug addict who is detoxing. I don't want to give up; but I may have to.
Frank
One more thing...she told me they want to put her on Saturday night for work when I hve the kids. She told me that when she went in a few people gave these big hellos like they had known her for years. I knew before she told me that they were all guys They were hitting on the fresh meat. I probably will never get her back; because I am not a competitor and they will keep hounding her.
Also, I was supposed to do a GAL thing with some new friends. We were going to seethis band and it turns out they are sold out!! 