Yes, but that future puts me in the position with my kids as the part time dad who can't be there all the time, even though I want to be.
For instance, my stepson told me the other day that he should hate me and I asked him why? He said because my friends dad got divorced and he hates his Dad. I said do you hate me? he said no and that's the problem. I said it's not a problem, I love you.
I just can't understand why she gets to go on living a comfortable life and gets the kids after all the mistakes she has made in her life and me I just want to fix things love each other again and have a family and to not have that just hurts.
My mom always asked why I I always see the glass half empty; but I don't I see it as half full; but then it never seems to go that way...So, I get down.
You can't force your XW into being part of your future. You at some point need to accept that you are divorced, that you will have visitation with your children, and that you need to find a way to have the best possible relationship with them. It is okay to give up the dream. I worry that you are so tied into your XW that you can't even forsee of a happy future without her and that being fully happy isn't possible without her. I won't blow smoke up your butt. You are divorced and may never be back together with your XW. The odds are against it. Accepting that possibility allows you to plan your life as though she isn't ever going to be a part of it. It allows you to live life fully.
Frank, I gave up on my XW. I accepted I wasn't going to have a relationship with her again. I dated. I enjoyed the company of friends and other women. I made the most of my time with my kids. She came back of her own volition, not through my begging and pleading and wishing it was so. I was at a point of being able to take her or leave her so that if she didn't come back I wouldn't be crushed. I feel at this point that if you found out your X was dating that you would be devastated.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just, I still care about my X; but today was a good day...I got my kids overnight and that was the best part. I am more worried about when I have to bring them back Sunday night. I will miss them
As far as my X, she came in this morning and I gave her a water and then she left for the dy. Things were ok; but at times she could act funky; but that was okay!!! Just having the kids here made a boatload of difference. Plus she told me that she wanted to work; because she doesn't get much chance for adult conversation. She also mentioned that she used to go out with the OM and his wife and that she can't do that anymore!!! (Well I would hope not!!!) Hey, she can talk to me!!! She definitely has issues to resolve....Plus guess what I showed her some clothing that I thought was hers...a leather jacket and she said where did you get that? I said in the attic. She said that was his jacket. I said why was his jacket and some of his clothing in our attic??? SWhe said he gave it to her if my stepson could use it!!! Hey whatever.
Hey, if she doesn't want to come back to me then I know it is her loss. For the person I know I am and how I worked so hard to fix what I didn't like about how I had become, etc. Anyone would be happy with me. No, I'm not perfect; but I try to fix things. Hopefully, I can maintain this positive attitude!!!
Frank
P.S. I do still love her; but I can't fix her. She definitely has to eant to come to me...
Well, let's see. My X and stepson went to the concert. they seemed to have a good time and she told me about it; but never quite got to thanks or you shouldn't buy tickets like that, etc. Hey whatever...
This morning I got a call from her. She asked me if I could run 2 cable lines to the kids rooms for her. I told her I would (But, why is she asking me? She always wanted someone else before and not me? Hey, I don't read much into it; because she still has that bit about her that is standoffish. She has been much better; but still there is that something holding her back)
We are supposed to meeet for a bite to eat while our daughter is at dance; but then she keeps talking to me tonight when I dropped off my stepson and looked at what I need to do to run the cables. Then she says are you leaving soon, I am not paying attention to what I am cooking? I told her that I was and that it was her who was talking not me!!!
Well, anyway, during our convo, she also talked about a bunch of other things and she made a comment about not paying attention to some of the stuff that the workers did because one was too old and the other too young....but then she said so and so was good looking? (Man is that immaturity or what?) Hell, I am a good looking guy and a nice person and she just won't let herself cross that line. I am glad that we are meeting up; but I feel like what for??? I mean if she has no intention of ever tlaking about working together on an Us, then what is the purpose of getting together?
Well, I just wish I could understand all the crap that is going on in her head. She is trying to change her older sisters image and get her to curl her hair, put on makeup, etc. and then want s to go with her to Curt Shcillings wifes salon??? Oh, yeah and her sister doesn't drink, so she told her we need you to start drinking wine so we can go out!!!
It's like she is trying to make up for lost time...I don't know why; but I don't get it??? I just look and see immaturity as far as that goes. I mean, she wants to go out; but when we were married, she would never be able to get together with our friends???
If she just woke up and realized what she is losing in me and what she has done to her kids; but it doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon
Her loss; but I wish it wasn't because she is losing out on a person who would work with her and could make a great life together.
Ok, now I am really lost??? My X met me for dinner last night after she dropped our daughter off at dance. She finally scored a job and I told her I was happy for her. (She also may pursue something I passed her way for a job from a friend of mine; but her parents have issues with that job and pretty much tell her whether they will watch the kids or not based on whether they approve of the jobs....She definitely needs to break free of their grasp; but that is her problem to deal with).
All in all, we had a nice dinner and we talked about different stuff. In part of the conversation was my original offer to make dinner for her from way back. She told me that her new boss went to the culinary school she wanted to attend and that she would like to get some recipes from him so that I could make one of those dishes??? Also during our conversation were 2 other topics. One was that I wanted to get a family portrait of myself and the kids and asked her if my stepson could be there too. He has agreed to be in it. She said sure. The othe topic came up when we were talking about workouts at the YMCA. She had asked me whether the pool was back open and I said it was and that I had just swam there today. During the conversation, we both realized that we would be going swimming Thursday morning. So, we agreed to meet up there at 9am.
Lastly, as we were leaving, I gave her the info for this other job. She said thanks for dinner and I said we should do it again sometime. Her response was sure, when I am not working. (See, she plans to try and work when I have the kids and such.) So, this all gets a bit confusing. No indication that she wants a relationship again; but she isn't pushing me away either. The only times she seems to is when her family is around. I wish I knew what was going on in her head; but I know I can't ask and maybe she doesn't even know yet. I just fear that I will keep some hope alive and then when she starts working and meeting new people, that I will no longer be needed or maybe I will???
BTW, I am meeting a woman tonight who seems attractive and nice; but I still am not sure that I know which direction I am going yet. I am going so that I don't just sit still and then get blindsided.
Any insights, opinions, good or bad? I know noone knows for sure what is with her except for her. And she may not even know!!!
Latest update. X and I met at the YMCA to swim laps and then we went into the hot tub for about 10 minutes. I asked her if she would like to meet twice a week to swim and she said she would. I guess that's a good thing; but it would be nice to know if this was all because she is thinking about it again. I mean we seem to enjoy each others company and things are better. I just wonder what is going through her head. I mean she agrees to the swimming and getting dinner once in awhile when she is not working. I just wonder if when she starts to work whther the new people she meets will cause this to fizzle. I hope not and I do continue to do things on my own and with friends; but it would be nice for us to get a chance again. I guess I look and say if it was me on her side, I would not be doing these things with my X if I didn't want to...
Am I way off base on that thought??? I know that because she does this doesn't mean she wants to get back; but I would think it is much more possible being that she is meeting me and doing things with me. My hardest part is to not push at her; but still maintain contact; because she will most likely be working when I get and drop off the kids.
T, let's tweak your perspective just a wee bit because you're on track, so consider this: Let's say that right now, she's not interested in coming back, but she is interested in doing things with you. That's good enough for now. It means she enjoys your company and is agreeable to stepping up that time with you, and that suggests she still has positive feelings for you.
As you step up these times together, and make them happy and positive, and accumulate them, her feelings for you can follow and grow. She can change her mind.
I just wonder if when she starts to work whether the new people she meets will cause this to fizzle.
You're worrying about scenarios. Even in healthy, loving relationships, people meet other people and there's risk. Don't find imagined things about the future to worry about today. If her feelings for you grow, and you continue to feed her "love bank", other people are likely not to have that pull on her.
Thanks for your input. I appreciate different perspectives.
I agree that she must enjoy my company because she is not totally pushing me away. Sometimes she does; but lately, she has been a bit more receptive to me. I mean I would think that she wouldn't meet me one on one if she didn't have some feelings. I just don't want to get too high on that. I think if she were to want to consider working on a relationship sometime in the future, that the biggest obstacle will be her parents; because right now she has to rely on them for alot of things nad she is seeing how they control her.
I do continue to try and show her and myself the person I used to be and want to be. I feel I have made alot of positive chnages both mentally and physically in the past year. I know that she sees it; but it is that last bit that makes someone say let's try again, that is the stumbling block for now. I do continue to try and feeed her "love bank".
I guess my fear of her starting that new job is that initially, everything seems new and exciting and that those people may have more contact with her than I do and that works against me. After awhile, when she is in the routine and if we continue to do things together, then maybe I will feel more confident!!! I guess I am happy that we are where we are now; but fearful that it may just stop all of a sudden.
I know I need to be patient. And I will try; but I am enjoying the time with her and want it to be more eventually. Tha would be a great thing for us and our kids; but I also need to keep in mind that it may never happen.
Quote: I guess my fear of her starting that new job is that initially, everything seems new and exciting and that those people may have more contact with her than I do and that works against me.
That is all potentially true. On the other hand, it may build her self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. Perhaps she wouldn't rely so much on her parents then. From reading this I get the sense you would prefer if she didn't manage on her own or "get a life" so that she would see you as a viable alternative to a less-than fulfilling life. She needs this chance to grow and maybe she will see you as someone to share a more complete life with. It's better to have her back if she's done self-work than because she "needed" you (aka you were her fallback plan).
Frank, the focus is still too much on her. A little more detachment would be nice.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I actually do want to see her succeed. I am happy for her; but I would have been more happy if it was in the context of our marriage. I absolutely don't want to be her fallback plan and I have thought about that. I do believe that the only way to get her to consider an US is for her to succeed and feel like she is accomplishing things...I want her to be part of the solution and contributing in our relationship. I guess I just have that fear of how things seem to be better between us and she is open to things; but that she may feel she can survive without anyone. But I think that her doing this is good...I wish she had the ability to take the other 2 jobs that my buddy had. She seemed interested and careerwise it was better; but she knew that this next 6months she couldn't take it. I do detach; but she keeps coming around. I am trying to just keep living life; but I still want her there sometimes.
Like I said. I support her and told her that I am happy for her and that as far as the kids and her working, that I can try and help her if she needs it...just let me know. However, I am not going to be there all the time so she can do whatever.
I just would love for her to break from her parents bond. I understand that she moved next to them so that they could help her out; but they have become more of a hinderance to her than help.
I am just happy for the times she and I do get....I'ts nice to have that and I hope it continues.
Frank
P.S. I still continue to go out and do stuff and even went for drinks with this woman. I had a good time; but not sure if it was anything I want to pursue.
She definitely has issues to resolve....Plus guess what I showed her some clothing that I thought was hers...a leather jacket and she said where did you get that? I said in the attic. She said that was his jacket. I said why was his jacket and some of his clothing in our attic??? SWhe said he gave it to her if my stepson could use it!!! Hey whatever.