Tough day today. Got a call from my X and she told me that my stepson could go workout today; but if I could pick him and then drop him at his dad's after that. If I couldn't, she said to bring him to her house and drop him off at his dads. Then she says that she can normally get someone to pick him up to get to the gym and then get him to his dads; but that her parents are out of town in New York. I said are they visiting your aunt? She says, yes the ervices are this week. I said your uncle died? How com you didn't tell me? She said I thought you knew? I said no, she said oh I thought I did. I then asked her for their address to send a card.
Well, then we were talking a bit more and she asked if she was dropping the kids off at my parents or the new apartment. I told her the apartment. She said, well, I have to drop and run and may be there earlier than usual; because I have an interview for a waitress job. I said are you still interested in the jobs my friend was checking on? She said yes, that the waitress job would be on thursday nights when I get the kids and then every other weekend when I hve them. Yes, I know I can't have any say in it; but I guess I feel like that is going to be the end of the possibility for an US. I figure if we never interact and she is out there waitressing, that she will never think about her and I. I know that if she doesn't, then it would never work anyway; but it just mentally hurts alot. I feel like any hope I had will be dashed by her getting that type of job. I know that that is not true; but it is how I feel. Hard to believe in "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "If you love someone set them free..." It's the bit of not being around them that scares me; but I also know that not being around them might make them realize. However, in my case I am not so sure that it will
Man it is hard to GAL and move on whn you can't find a way to let go of your feelings. I don't think she haseither; but I believe that she can more easily shut down her emotions. For instance, and I know it was not good to say; but I said if you work on Thursday nights, we won't ever get a chance to have a drink!!! lol She says well, not to be mean but if I can work, then I would take that. Good for her; but it still hurts. I want to see her succeed; but I feel like when she does, that she will figure she doesn't need anyone like me in her life. Yes, I know that I am worth it and if she doesn't then she probably isn't worth it; but it is so hard to give up on her. I wish I knew what it is about her that keeps me wanting to be with her? She also made a comment about how she wen on an interview and the person said you look too young to have had 4 kids and she thought to herself "what does that have to do with the job?" Which she didn't get. I guess I need to let her do her thingand if she flies, the I guess it wasn't meant to be; but like I said hard to deal with. Yes, there will probably be someone else; but if not, I feel like I blew it in our marriage for my part and that hurts.
On top of it I, through no choice of my own get to be with my kids like it was supposed to be; but she does; because she is trying to work while they are not there. So, she gets to look like the parent that is always therefor them, when I would too if given the option!!!
Also, I still haven't had my X say anything in regards to the concert tickets. A thanks would be nice.
