What do I make of this - Part 2

[Just_Me]

I know that noone has the answers to this but her; but I guess I could use some more of your insight into your sitch and how it compares to mine. ARe they similar or does mine seem more gone than yours was? I mean, I have been separated since July of 2004 and divorced since July 2006?

Hey Frank, I think the situation is fairly similar in that she doesn't have both feet out the door. She's at least still friendly to you and turns to you for comfort/support. In that sense it's pretty close to my situation. I actually think if she left on account of the affair it would be preferable. I think that some other scenarios, like there were perceived unfixable problems, would be more difficult to overcome because at least my perception is that the XS reasons with themselves that "these" are the real reasons behind the D.

Quick rundown of my sitch: Bomb was dropped in January 2005 after I came across an EA with an online person that she felt was her "soulmate". Things progressed rapidly to separation (1 month) when she wouldn't give up the EA. Divorced May 2005. We stayed friendly (except the last month or so)..dinners together, seeking me for support or conversation, etc. Sound familiar? We hugged, rarely kissed, but she accepted some physical stuff like back rubs. Like you, I always felt like there was something holding her back from trying again. Her favorite line was "been there, done that" if I ever brought up the subject of trying again. It turns out that the EA essentially continued the entire 2005 without her ever meeting this person or talking to them in person. Then at the end of this year she suddenly "woke up" to the fact that it was all just a fantasy and she realized what she had left behind. The problem in the marriage was primarily between her kids and I and she felt that our relationship had improved. She wanted our life back. She wanted me back. By that time she pretty much had the idea I had moved on. She knew I was dating. She knew that I had activities that I enjoyed doing that didn't involve her. Those things didn't really stand in the way.

So, the similarities are there. My comments have been to get you to let go some more. I think she has to not only resolve any feelings that linger about OM, but also at least know you are complete without her, be attracted to your qualities, and fear that she may lose you. It's time for her to take the initiative and do a little pursuing of her own. I think for you that it's too soon to move on, that it isn't hopeless, but that you need to at least make strides towards moving on. I don't think she'll come to you as a result of you pursuing her (if it was going to work it would have), but from her pursuing you. I wouldn't go dark, but I think a little gray would be nice.