Well, let's see...yesterday was a tough crappy day!!!
I met my stepson to workout. Based on the following, who knows if that will continue. I hope so. On the way home he and I talked and he told me that his dad was making it hard for him because he basically threatens him about getting C's in his honor classes. My son tries and I told him that he jus needs to make sure he does the best he can and be honest that he is. I then asked him if he would take a family portrait with the other 3 kids and I, if his mom would let us. He said yes. So far so good.
Well, I get to the house and I had to go in to give my daughter my camcorder and show her how to use it. I need to get out of there soon, as I had the concert to go to (My friend 2hrs before it starts said he would go). I needed to speak to my X to tell her that I am moving into an apartment temporarily. I plan on probably moving into the town the kids live in as soon as I can find something that works. Well, tell my X and she looks at the paper and say "This isn't any better. I thought you would move closer." I figured she would at least be happy that the kids had a place to go that didn't have my parents rules, etc. but she wasn't. I said what it the problem? She said that this doesn't give the kids less travel time. I told her that this was temporary and that I didn't move away from them she moved from where we were. Needless to say, we went to the other room and had a conversation that I really didn't want to have right then. (I had planned on backing off from her as Just_Me said.) She started on how it wasn't fair to the kids that they should have to travel 20minutes to go to dad's when there is property in the same town they moved to. I told her again that this was a temporary move until I found something I felt I could be happy with and would be good for the kids. Again she said that she figured that when I moved it would be closer and that would help the kids and her. I said you? She said yes, so I can go out and work and maybe go out sometimes. She then says that she takes care of the kids 24x7 and that I get the kids and drop them off and then go out. I told her that I would trade that in a minute to be with my kids daily. I said why do you think I asked for the extra day with them. She said because you were angry at me and wnated to get back at me. I told her no, that I wanted to be with my kids. That I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce and I wanted to work things out. She said it took 2 of us to get here. I agreed. I said that is why we should have tried. She said after 10yrs that when I realized, that it was too late. I told her that it is never too late. She seemed to me to be using those words; but not really believing in what she said. I honestly think her sister or someone talked to her over the weekend and she is afraid to give us a chance. Alot of what she said regarding me being around, in the house etc. were word for word what her sister said. However, my X was more than comfortable in having/inviting me in and having a drink, talking to me , etc. We never got into shouting or yelling and such, very cordial; but the conversation went south. Then I said, what about last week when you needed someone and I was there. I said "Do you know how hard that was to listen to? It hurt; but I told you I would just listen." She then starts to twist it into "I just needed an adult and you were there. I should have never told you. You gave me a card that said immunity and obviously you didn't mean it." I said I did and stick by it. I was there for you and still would be if you needed me. Hell, I went to her doctors appointment and was there for her. She knows it and obviously she wasn't so uncomfortable with me then. She disrobed right there with me in the room!!! She kept pushing me away by mentioning how she always was responsible for the kids and I was never there (Not true; but in her eyes it was). (All the while when we were talking, we were able to hold each others hand.) Well, I told her that I have busted my butt to get back to the person who I wanted to be, was and she married. She said good do it for you and the kids. I said I was; but that it sucked that 2 people who loved each other and married each other couldn't stop and look and work on things. To me that is sad.
She then started back on how she figured that I would move closer to them and I said why would it matter to you? She said I meant for the kids. I told her I agree and that I was still looking and that this was temporary. She again talked of how I got to go do things and go to Cooperstown, etc. I told her that it isn't all it's cracked up to be and I would rather have been with my family; but I wasn't given that choice. I also told her that the trip to Cooperstown was a thought my friend had to do on the way back from bringing his mom to his grandmothers in Syracuse. She also started on how I was trying to keep the kids friendly with some of our old neighbors. She has too. SHe brings 2 of our kids to visit people. She said they live here now and have made new friends and that they don't need me getting together with them. Hey, isn't that my choice?
Well, there is alot going on in my head that is hard to all put down here. I will say this. From her body language, I think people have been filling her head with you need to move on, you live here now, you and he shouldn't be together, etc.; but I can tell that she still has feelings and tries to hide them. The thing is we do both agree; but she is not hearing that. I figured that she wouldn't want me living that close and I questioned how I could handle being close to her and seeing her around. Finally, I said what if I met someone new and ended up with them? How do you think the kids would feel about me? She said they may actually like that person. I think she still cares, feels pressuredand I was getting ready to back away; but all this came out before I could
Well, my friend and I drove back from the concertand he concurred with Just_Me and said I should give it 30 days and backoff, etc. and see how I feel then and what has happened with her. If I want to go on another 30 then do so, etc. Heck, I was trying to GAL...Before we got to the house and my stepson and I were leaving the gym, I checked out the volleyball schedule and thought how I could do that when I moved here.
I am not ready to give up yet; but I wonder if I am just being an idiot and stupid? I still belive there is the possibilty to reconcile; but she definitely needs her space and her asking me to be around clouded that. You want to go with it; because she indicates that it may be what she wants; but she needsthe space. That is hard for me; because it means letting her go and possibly losing her to someone else, as I won't be there to show myself to her!!! Then again she may see it isn't greener and wonder what I am doing in my spare time...
