Well, I saw X last Friday when I dropped my stepson off after working out. She talked; but continued her coldness and standoffishness. Talk about tearing me apart. One week before I was the person she needed to talk to, we actually got along, etc. things were good...Now here we are back to her being standoffish. I don't get it???
Man, am I a fool, is this a normal thing for the X to do....I wish I understood what was happening here. I hate to be made a fool of. How does one go from needing me and help to getting cold and distant. I mean, sure I can understand someone questioning what they are doing after walking away; but for I would think that her coming to me and me listening to her and being there for her unconditionally would make something click in her head. It seemed to; but then back to distant???
I honestly don't believe she used me; but I don't understand what is going on.
I feel like crap all weekend while sorting through stuff and then this morning I go to put in a load of laundry. While I am doing that, my cell phone must have rung. I go upstairs and because I still haven't found anyone to go to the concert tonight, I check my phone to see if anyone has called. I look and am pleasantly surprised to see my X's cell number as a missed call and that there is a message on it.
Well, I call back; becaus the message didn't make sense. Turns out I listened to an old message. Well, I get her on the phone and that is when I find out I listened to the wrong one. My X tells me that it was my daughter who called. She puts her on the phone and typical of my daughter, she can't explain what she needs. So, I ask her to put her mom back on. My X comes back on and I find outthat my daughter is looking for something to playback the tape she made for a school project. I tell my X that I have the cable and can drop it off when I drop off my stepson after we workout. She says ok. Then I ask her how everyone is doing and she says fine and is short??? (Hell, I just was being friendly!!!) So, then I say I'll talk to you later and it is like she can't wait to get off the phone???
What the hell happened to the woman last week who needed to talk and I was the one she needed. What happened to, regardless of her feelings for me, a bit of cordialness because I was there for her??? I mean am I an idiot? Is she doing this because she is lost or confused or am I just holding on to something that will never be? I wish it could; but I can't do this even though I don't want to let go.
I know I promised her that I would keep her medical scare and affair a secret; but the more I think about it and the more she acts thi way towards me, I think it was a totally unfair request to make. I mean, she just gets to go on with her life without any repercussions from family and gets to keep living a life with the kids daily, etc. Meanwhile, I do the right things, worked my butt off the past year to improve myself and hopefully get us to improve our relationship and poof nothing. I lose my wife, my family and why? Let's see. Oh yeah, because I tried to fix things. Man I know people have it worse; but it seems so unfair that she can do what she has done and I am the one who loses the family, etc. It seems like she is starting to get her life together and that I am the person she wants to work with and then nothing!!! I am so disappointed. Is this just part of the process or is she truly done?
Maybe someone who has been there can tell me whether this is normal or if I just hoping for something that will never be? I know that noone knows my X; but has anyone experienced similar setbacks and then eventually had end up being okay?
Just looking for answers, as this behavior seems so contrary to what I was seeing and expected to see from here on out. I mean, I knew thtere would be setbacks; but she has become more standoffish than she has been in a long time. I know that if someone had been there for me like I was with her, that I would appreciate it and regardless be nice and not short. I mean I feel like I should just tell her offand say how selfish she is and unappreciative; but then that would just create issues between us and possibly prevent me from seeing my stepson. Man it is like she get s to control everything.
Please, I can use some advice on how to deal with this or how to distance myself so that she doesn't think this is bothering me.
Frank
P.S. LIke I said...to top it off, I still have noone to go to the concert with. Pretty sad, huh? I can't even find one person to go. It just gets me down and makes me feel like a loser, even though I know I am not. When will this all just end???
I come across cards that she saved from me, from my stepsons dad and I find similarities in what we wrote. Being there for his son, me for my kids. How we miss her, etc. I even as mentioned in previous thread found a card from X that thanked me for putting up with her one week...Hell, I would do anything for her or someone I love. Iwish I could get her to go talk and get help; but I can't push her.
Tman, I'm new to this room...I have been in the infedelity room, but I filed on Friday after W told me that she does not want to stop seeing OM and she doesn't think that she has the energy to work at M...so I believe she left me no options...I still want my W back and was hoping to gain some encouragement in this room but see that there is not a lot of activity here...hope that doesn't mean what I think it means (no hope)...
But enought about my sitch...about yours...a little background would be helpful...How long did W have A? Is she still seeing OM? How long have you been seperated/D? Sounds like there are a lot of men in this room, wonder what that says?
This will be short and sweet. The above post was entirely focused on your XW. My only advice: She is going to have a period of time after breaking it off with OM when she is down. Stay out of her hair, don't analyze her moods, and have as little contact as possible with her. And don't give me reasons why that isn't possible. You can pick up the kids and go to the gym with your step-son without going out of your way to talk to her. A perfunctory "hi" should be sufficient for the next couple weeks. Let her process her life since it's bound to be different with OM out of the picture (if he stays out).
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I still want my W back and was hoping to gain some encouragement in this room but see that there is not a lot of activity here...hope that doesn't mean what I think it means (no hope)...
VINCES, there's hope, just not a whole lot. This area tends to be a transition area for those not quite ready to just survive the big D. Doesn't matter what area you are in, the important things still are the same: Focus on yourself and your own improvements, be patient, do what works, be true to yourself, find activities that will allow you to get a life.
Personally, I'm back with my XW. She hasn't officially moved back in, but with the exception of picking some stuff up from her apartment, she might as well be living with me. It hasn't even been a month so I'll update in a week or two when things have had a chance to settle in. So it can happen, but I personally feel that all the hope in the world isn't going to make it so. In the end, it is the XWs decision. The best that you can do is present yourself as an attractive possibility to her by being a complete, happy person that isn't completely focused on their X.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for your input once again. I guess I am just looking for some support. Also, from those who have been there, whether her actions right now say to give up. That is all. I mean I don't want to just wait on her to come around; but I want to know if what I am getting from her right now is normal for those who actually have worked things out; because I can see that such behavior would occur from those who don't want to work things out. However, as never having experienced this before, I don't want to read it the wrong way and totally give up if this is a phase that they have to go through. I know in the end it may never be; but I would hate to walk away totally and find out that this wasn't necessarily the end. But in the same vein I don't want to linger on hope forever...
Like I said, I just want to know if ohters who have ended up being successful went through this same crap or if my sitch is not anywhere close and that I am in a no win situation.
BTW, VINCES, if you truly want to see if it can be fixed, then I advise you stay here. Yes, alot of activity is slow; but those who do post usually have some good advice. I know that at least my X finally admitted that she was having an affair with OM and then supposedly ended it about 1-1/2 weeks ago.
Quote: I don't want to read it the wrong way and totally give up if this is a phase that they have to go through. I know in the end it may never be; but I would hate to walk away totally and find out that this wasn't necessarily the end.
Tman, who knows whether this is normal, but yes, mine acted like that from time to time. That is the time to be at your best and least affected by her moods (good luck to you on that). She'll likely keep you at arms length and that is your cue to stay at arms length, not grasp at her because you fear she is moving away from you.
Tman, what would you do differently if you took this as a sign to quit? I struggle with the concept of the person that has "given up hope" and those who have not. Quite a few would be lying if they said, "I wouldn't take him/her back if he/she suddenly wanted to try again". I think what anyone on this area should understand is that your attitude, emotions, behavior, whatever should be the same regardless of whether you have hope or no hope, want reconciliation or don't want it. This is about getting yourself to a good place regardless of your XW. Deciding whether to "quit" or not is arbitrary; you just focus on yourself and do what feels right. The reason I harp that you are too focused on your XW is because you are always trying to interpret her facial expressions, moods, statements, or behaviors. You try to interpret them to give you a clue what you should do. If you get to the point where you aren't tying your own emotions to her, you'll be better off for it. It's not something I have mastered, but I see the need for it. I also sincerely beleive that until she knows you're happy and content regardless of the outcome of your relationship, she won't see you as someone she wants to be with. Get a life, get complete, be happy, and then you won't feel the need to read her mind in order to know what to do. She has no input in what you do, just as you have no input in what she does.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Once again, I hear you and agree; but it is tough to do certain things if you have not given up. For instance, until you give up hope, it makes it hard to go out with another woman. For one, she will probably sense that you are not all there. Or for another, as you say, if the X were to come back, how fair would it be to dump the new person??? So, that is my dilemma. I am okay with all the things I currently do; but I want more. I want a relationship. One where it is nice to know someone cares about you or is able to do things together that only a couple can do and no I don't mean sex!!! Though, that would be nice too!!!
You see that is where I am letting her have a hold on me. I want a relationship that is caring and would love it to be with her; but to move forward in that regard is not easy either; because, as I said it is not fair to that other person.
Believe me, I will try my best to not be as clingy; but it is hard. Maybe my having the apartment and not being in my parents house will be a signal to her that I am going forward regardless of her and not waiting for her.
Quote: You see that is where I am letting her have a hold on me. I want a relationship that is caring and would love it to be with her; but to move forward in that regard is not easy either; because, as I said it is not fair to that other person.
This I definitely understand and I sympathize. I struggle/struggled with this too. My feeling is that this is a useful time to get used to having no one fulfill that need. I don't know about you, but I found my time was pretty much used up between visitation, housework, some sports, the gym, etc. I enjoyed having a night or two where all I did was veg out in front of the tube having a beer. Dating actually added a dimension of added stress and getting to know someone that frankly did nothing for me to relieve the feeling of wanting someone to be a "couple" with. Another woman is anything but a quick fix. I'm suggesting trying to find a comfort level on your own, with male friends, and with activities that you enjoy. Remember, some of that stuff may go on the wayside if you get back together with your X (or are with some other woman) so you probably should take advantage of it. I suspect that if you polled the people on here, you would get a lot of people wanting the same thing. Remember when you were married there were probably times you looked at single friends and at least thought it would be nice to have the flexibility to pick up and leave at a moments notice or not have to discuss your nights plans with anyone.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Actually, Just_Me, I guess I am a different breed. I never was one to want alot of male friends. The 2 that I am very close to have been around forever and they are here during all this stuff, which is great; but I don't miss all that going out with the guys stuff that you talk about. Sure it is nice to get together once in awhile and my X encouraged it. I just never wanted to. I was content to be home with my family. What I really missed was that my X and I didn't get to gout as often. I do know that she would have liked to go out more with some friends and that I was jealous of that; because we weren't able to go out aoften ourselves together. I figured that was the whole point of being married. That we would want to get out together or with another couple, more so than with our own friends. SUre that is important too; but for me, I have been there done that and now at this stage of my life to want to go back to that is not my idea of fun. Most guys act jerky. For instance, I met up with my cousing who is divorced and actually had cheated on his wife. I went for something to do on Saturday night; but after getting there and watching him, I remembered exactly why I didn't like to go out with the "guys". ALso, after observing women I know that are married, who go for a "Girls night out", I find it pretty sad that they are out there flirting with guys and some even act on their impulses. I always believed that you shouldn't put yourself in those situations. Apparently, my X feels like she has missed out on something???
Plus, being able to do what I want when I want? I have done that for the past year and it is getting old!!! I want to enjoy things with someone again.
Going out with the guys isn't for everyone. I personally don't enjoy it that much either, unless it's going out with my kids, but at some point you need to get used to the concept of being single, in one form or another. There is not one guarantee that your XW is coming back. That is what has been written in one way or another for several months; find something that you enjoy doing in whatever format. You need to decide what that is for yourself rather than state reasons for why nothing but the company of your XW will do. It doesn't matter if it's alone, with your kids, with friends, at home, out of town, in town. Yes, going out as a couple is a good thing, but at some point you need to come to terms with the fact that this is what your life consists of right now. You either find a way to make the most of it or have your experiences diminished by the absence of female companionship (aka your XW).
But I know you're just venting, but I think that Wllowwlk was still waiting for that list of GAL activities. Since hanging with your friends isn't high on your list of fulfilling activities, perhaps you can consider what you could be doing instead--take a class, learn to play tiddlywinks, whatever floats your boat.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
