I was posting in newcomers but have decided to switch to piecing as I think forum is more relevant to my situ.
I have tried to cut and paste below my thread so far......
Hi
Mine is a strange one I need advice on. I used Divorce busting all the time last year when my husband and I split up. He instiagated it, wanted independance, freedom, felt trapped other women etc etc. Anyway to cut a long story short, we sold our house and went seperate ways. He was seeing numerous other women and I start a new relationship. These past few weeks, my husband and I have started getting on really well again. We have a 2 yr old daughter so we still see alot of each other. We have gone on days out and spent quite a bit of time together, and we do talk alot more now. We also, and I no this is probably wrong, started a physical relationship again. I say this is wrong because we are both still currently in other relationships.
We have talked, and even though neither of us have ended our current relationships, we have discussed that we will test the water and see if we can get on again and if it would work. My husband has stated that he would not finish his current relationship with the OW at the moment as although he is happy we are getting on again, he does not want to rush things if there is a chance we mite work things out in the future. He would rather take time, and let things happen naturally. Me? well I feel similar, although I have to admit, if my husband came to me tomorrow and asked me to finish my current relationship and go back to him I would!!
So, I kind of feel I need to go back to DB!! I do want my marriage to work again, and I do feel we have a chance. But where do I go from here?? Both of us are in relationships and neither of us will end them at this time until we are more sure... Selfish I no, but that is the situation..
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks
Post Extras: StrongEnough Member
Reged: 01/13/06 Posts: 109 Loc: Somewhere between insane and totally flippin' crazy! Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1061509 - 01/20/06 12:33 PM Edit Reply Quote
Hi. Welcome back.
I don't think your situation is strange at all. When H and I were in relationships, we started talking and getting closer. However, when it became physical we did end our relationships.
I can see both sides here. I was the one who did not want to rush back into anything. To be totally honest, even though I ended things with my bf, I wasn't ready to be through with him and it is hindering our reconciliation.
H on the other hand, wanted to move quickly. He moved back in with me within a week. I wasn't ready for that, but didn't have the b@lls to tell him that. So, I let him.
Fast forward one year later. We are still riding the roller coaster. I still harbor feelings for my ex-bf, etc.
So the best advice I can give you IS to take things slowly. But, think about what YOU are doing by cheating on your bf. Is that someone you want to be? Also, H cheated on you, now he is cheating WITH you. Be certain this is really what both of you want. I guess there isn't any other way to say it, be sure that he isn't trying to have his cake and eat it too.
Not sure this helped. Just my opinion here.
~StrongEnough
-------------------- "I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty"~ Lamb Of God
When I met my BF for the 1st 6 months I felt fantastic. all the horrible anxiety feelings and jealous feelings over my H went and i felt happy. Its only been the past 3 months that my feelings for my BY have started to disappear and I do think some of that has got to do with me letting my H back into my life..
My H has had short term flings ( no more than 2 months) with OW since we split but even though he instigated our original split up it has been him to has kept pressure on and kept instigating we start things up again.
I really dont know whether he sincerely wants to ultimately make things work for us or whether he just cannot bear for me to be with someone else!!
Its really hard to work out... things are much better between me and H now, we have a laugh and enjoy being in each others company. But, H will not at this moment in time finish who he is currently seeing for us to get back together properly. He just says he cannot jump straight in like that after everything that has happended. He wants to give it time to be sure and lets things happen naturally. He says his worst issue is jealousy, he gets so jealous and his worst fear is having to confront his jealousy if we get back together. What i mean by this is having to accept I have had another BY, physical relationship etc... He blames my BY for us breaking up. But we did not split up becuase of my BY. Basically we split up a year before and I had been D Busting for this year until I met my BY and then I just gave up.. So in his eyes I sat back for a year and tried, then all of a sudden stopped trying when I met my boyfriend.
I dont know....it all seems such a mess at the moment. I never thought I would end up back in this situation, nearly 2 years after me and H originally split up...
Am struggling as to where to go from here..
Post Extras: c1t Member
Reged: 08/23/04 Posts: 46
Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1063396 - 01/23/06 06:29 AM Edit Reply Quote
Feel very strange today, and can feel the old anxious, stressfull feelings coming back. Can not sleep again and gone off food completely!!
Am struggling with the decisions I now feel i have to make. I have realised that I just cannot cope and deal with having 2 men in my life, but the decision is who??
Being with my BF makes me feel happier as a person, I regaind my confidence, feel in control and all the horrible anxiety attacks disappear. But I no ultimately he is not the 1 I want to be with.
My H, yes I no deep down is the 1 i want to be with, but I know its going to be a hard struggle to get there. I know I am going to face months, even maybe years of DB, going back to days when I feel crap, and sick and like cyring. I know my H wants me to ends it with my BF but I also know if I did my H would not end it with his girlfirend and come back to me straight away.
I want to be with my H in the end but cant face having to go through the pain and struggle to get there...
Help!!
Post Extras: StrongEnough Member
Reged: 01/13/06 Posts: 109 Loc: Somewhere between insane and totally flippin' crazy! Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1063407 - 01/23/06 06:49 AM Edit Reply Quote
((((((HUGS)))))))
I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and it sucks almost as much as the day our WAS's dropped the bomb. I'm sorry to hear that you aren't sleeping and can't eat. I know it's difficult, but you need to take care of yourself physically while you go through this. If you can't eat, then atleast try to drink a supplement like Boost or something.
It is a difficult decision to make when faced with the fact that right now, you're happy and you know what lies ahead of you if you choose to try again with H. Being that I am in the situation, I will say that difficult is an understatement.
How about this. Would your BF be supportive of you taking a little time to yourself? Even if it's just a weekend. Go somewhere. Stay in a hotel for the weekend. Think things out in an unfamiliar place. I did this once and as crazy as it sounds, it did me a world of good. I reconnected with myself again. That's just me, it may not work for you.
As for the jealousy, my H felt the same way. You need to let that be his issue, not yours. Sure, it makes him wonder if it means that he still loves you and makes him question whether or not he should try again with you. But, unfortunately, if that is the only driving factor behind it, it may not work if you get back together. My H is bothered by my relationships as well. He still thinks about them and in a way holds them against me even though he abandoned us and demanded a D.
Anxiety attacks. Now there is something else I can relate to. I still get them. Xanax is my best friend sometimes. Are you on any medications for it? For me, all these things came back because it was easy to forgive H's affair when he wasn't a part of my life. Now that he is back, it is in my face and it is hard to deal with. I know how bothersome anxiety and panic can be. Have you tried relaxation?
Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is right for you. Search deep down, through the fog and confusion, and try to see what your heart and your instinct is telling you. Don't be a pushover like me. Be strong and do what's best for you, whatever it may be.
Sorry this is all over the place. Just woke up. LOL. I hope you continue to post. I'm not sure if I help or not, but I know I will sure as h$ell try.
~StrongEnough
-------------------- "I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty"~ Lamb Of God
Reged: 01/13/06 Posts: 109 Loc: Somewhere between insane and totally flippin' crazy! Re: back again...... [Re: StrongEnough] #1063410 - 01/23/06 06:54 AM Edit Reply Quote
Oops....one more thing I wanted to add.
Toward the end of our seperation, H and I were like best friends. We talked about or woes and our joys. We talked and laughed like we never throughout our M. We were closer then then we had been in many years. Once we got back together, it was very hard to keep that closeness. It all changed.
I am not trying to push you to not getting back together, and you may never face this issue, but I thought I would throw it out there. I post under piecing, so if you want to check out my thread, you will see some of the struggles I face. I also think you should read a lot of the posts in piecing, not all stories are like mine. It will give you an idea of what you face and what you could lose or gain.
Hope this helps.
~StrongEnough
-------------------- "I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty"~ Lamb Of God
Re: back again...... [Re: StrongEnough] #1065253 - 01/25/06 03:38 AM Edit Reply Quote
Hi
thanks for you posting, it does really help. I have had a look at your own thread as well. Boy, you have been through it to. My BF saw a text to my H yesterday so it all came to a bit if a head. We had a long chat and he was upset as he no knows I still have feelings for my H. I think this relationship is coming to an end.... Have spoke to me H quite a bit this week. Whenever the conversation is about us and getting back together he always seems to go back to the same thing, which is how he is going to be able to deal with his jealous emotions. I dont know what to say to him.... at end of day its only the same for me....i keep thinking to myself well if he really wanted to get back with me that much, surely he would tackle his jealous feelings rather than brushing under the carpet which he is doing at the moment... Really difficult to know what to do best from here.. I think I need to carry on DBing and leave my H to sort his own issues out. What do you think??
Post Extras: Bowtech Member
Reged: 11/07/05 Posts: 427
Re: back again...... [Re: c1t] #1065279 - 01/25/06 05:58 AM Edit Reply Quote
c1t If your marraige is really important to you, you already know what to do. Ask god for forgiveness and repent for your actions. God hates separation and divorce.
-------------------- GOD WILL WORK IT OUT 500 Sit ups a day - Always Agree 95% Nonverbal - 5% Verbal - Live Happy Be Confident - You have too much to lose s SON
Post Extras: c1t Member
Reged: 08/23/04 Posts: 46
Re: back again...... [Re: Bowtech] #1066133 - 01/26/06 07:21 AM Edit Reply Quote
Thanks,
I do think I am going to have to find courage to end things with my BF. I am finding it increasingly hard to spend time with him and even be nice to him whilst I have so many things going on in my head with my H. my BF did me the world of good when I met him 8 months ago, he gave me the opportunity to pick myself up and basically get a life again. I just feel really bad now that I want to end it... But I cannot go on the way things are at the moment. I know I want to be with my H and becuase I know that I just feel like my feelings for my BF are slipping away every day
I feel quite positive today, as my H rang me last night. He works away and only comes home at weekends. He rang to say he was planning his weekend and wanted to know what suited me best to come and see me and my daughter.. He has never done that before... he normally fits us around his own plans... He also is stopping the night with us at my house.. WOW, this is the first time he has also done this since sold our house.. at 1 time he said he would never stop at my house because he knows my BFriend has been round and stopped before etc. So, part of me feels really good, as these are 2 big steps for him to take. But, the old gremlin is still lurking inside of me as i still feel a bit jealous as he is going to see his OW on sat night. He is coming back Sun morning and taking me and my daughter out for sunday dinner, but then sunday night he is meeting up with some other girl!! not his OW, someone else he has been getting to know!!!
Dont know what to make of this?? When he told me I joked about it with him, and he said to me ' oh well, i might not get chance for things like this again for much longer'.... what does that mean? does that mean he is really thinking seriously about making things work with us??
Part of me is not bothered, as it comforts me to think that he obviously does not care that much about his OW, otherwise he wouldnt be going out with some other girl!! Part of me is bothered, as I think to myself, well he cant be that serious at the moment about making things work with us if he is taking new girls out again...
It sounds to me like your H is either trying to have his last hurrah, or that he may infact be confused. I hate to ask this, but has there been any steps toward a D? COuld his motivation behind this be for something other then being genuine? Does he stand to lose a lot in the D?
I'm not trying to sound negative, although I am doing a fine job of it, but your H's behaviors are a bit suspicious for someone who wants to reconcile. Even if he wanted to take things slowly with you, he is still dating other people and cheating on OW.
I'm praying that his intentions are sincere for your sake and that he gets his head out of his @ss soon!
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, like I said I find his behavior very suspicious. But, that's just my opinion.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Yeah I understand what you are saying because I think the same myself somtimes. We have never discussed or approached the D subject. He came last night and stopped the night, and we have good time. We also spent day together which was fine. When he went tonight to see his OW he was like making excuses. He left about 6pm, and said to me ' if I go over now to see OW rather than later then i got good excuse to leave her earlier tomorrow and get back to take you out to lunch!!
Its really hard to work out exactly what is going through his head at moment. Sometimes i think he wants his cake and eat it, sometimes I think he is scared and confused.
I said to him today,' what exactly are we doing' He reply was ' we are testing the water to see if we can get on and if there is a chance we could try again.'
So I said to him ' well why dont we stop messing about and start trying properly then'.
He said ' dont put pressure on me, thats what I cant stand' !!! It will happen when the times right.
He also said he was quite happy with things the way they are at the moment!!
I dont know??? I am just so confused as to what to do for the best at the moment.
The time me and H spend together is getting more and more and we have good times when we are together. I can definitely see progress in this area. BUT I cannot see him committing to me at the moment. He seems to want to work on US but at the same time he also wants to keep OW going as well.
Had a good day today with H. He is going away working so we will not see him now for 3 weeks. He said he was going to miss me. We had a chat this morning about our situ. He brought it up!! Kind of went over same thing, but I do kind of understand a bit more what he is saying. He has 3 mains issues he has to face before he can commit to be again:
1 - he feels happy or happier now than he did when he thinks back to the last few months we were together and he is scared to committing and going back to having the unhappy feelings again.
2 - he is scared to face up to his jealous feelings over my Bfriend.
3 - He is scared to give up seeing OW as these give him an escape, and help him forget any jealous feelings he has about my situ.
I said to him that we would not work unless both of us tried. He agreed but said he thinks the best way is to take things slowly, and let them happen naturally until the day comes when he can say to himself that alot of the above are not issues for him anymore. I said to him that this could take months/years and that it may never happen. I also asked him if he fel like this then why did he instigate me and him trying again?? He said it was becuase after 2 years of being split up there was obviously some really strong bond between us, and love still there... He also said to me that ' your boyfriend might love you, but he will never love you as much as i do'....
Think he just felt a bit sentimental as he is going away for 3 weeks......
So really non the wiser.. My honest opinion is I need to do what I feel deep down is right. I do still believe my marriage can work and be happy, I do think that I have to end relationship with my Bfriend. I do think that I have to re-start DBing again with my H.
I no its going to be hard but I think if I stay strong and do not pursue and keep my own life at priority I do believe there is a chance...
My H came home today for a few hours before he goes away for 2 weeks. wasnt expecting it. had prepared myself for not seeing him for 3 weeks!! Was nice to see him and first place he came was straight round to see me which was good.
He asked me how my love life was going with my BF!!! So we therefore started talking about us again...
He said again, that he could not just suddenly drop everything going on is his life and go back to normal with me and him. he said in his mind he wanted us to carry on with our own lives, but to carry on seeing each other and let me and him get back together naturally....
He said he needed me in his life, and even though he has had many OW, he said he always comes back to me... which is true!! He said he did not feel ready to comit to me, but he did still need me in his life and always would and he wanted to have relationship with me and that i was no 1 and the most important...
I thought I would test the water and ask him for something without puting too much pressure on. I asked him if he could try and keep his OW out of our home town and away from his family. We live in a small town where everyone knows eveyones business, and I also have a very close relationship with his family, so it was making it very hard for me when he brought OW to his house. ( he lives with his mum at moment) At first he avoided giving me an answer, so I reworded the question and he said he would try his best to do this...
I do feel a bit stuck on what to do next?? I do not want my H to feel like he can walk all over me and string me along but at the same time I do want to stick around and try and make my marriage work.
My H's main problem at the moment is he cant or wont commit back to me. But he has stated I do play an important part of his life which is wants to continue..
So Dbing here I cum, I am going to get on with my own life as much as I can, going out with my friends, having a good time etc. being happy!! I need my H to see that commiting to me is not as hard as he thinks. I need him to realise naturally that his OW are not the be all and end all and he can have a happy life just with me...
I think this is going to take time, but if I am patient and give him the space he obviously needs at the moment I do think I can get through this....
Jeez.....H doesn't seem to want to make any moves back towards you other then when it is convenient for him. As an outsider, I hate to say this and be so negative, it really seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I would continue with the things you said you were going to continue with. GAL, work on you still, and don't get attached to an outcome with H.
My H used to ask me all the time how things were going with my b/f. I guess that's their way of testing our temperatures.
So, focus on you and your happiness. Keep on moving along and let H deal with his own issues and come to terms with what he wants to do on his own. Now that he is around more, have you tried creating some mystery? If not, maybe the next time he wants to visit, have plans made. Make sure that you DO go out and do something when you say you are. There are so many things you can do to create a little mystery and get them thinking. However, I tread lightly with this because I am anti-manipulation and some of it, in my opinion, borders on manipulation.
Well, guess I wasn't much help here.....sorry
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
yes you are helping - thank you for your responses, they are really appreciated.
1 other thing I meant to mention was that i said to him today jokingly ' do you reckon you are ever going to be ready to settle down again'.
His response was ' yes' ( very definite, no thinking took place before this answer came out of his mouth) Then he said ' but when that will be, I just dont know - but when i do it will be with you'.
Hard isn't it, coz when he says things like this I do beleive he is being sincere....
I know I cant push or pressurise H into wanting to comit - if it happens I do think it will be a matter of time...
I'm really struggling with this situation. His words and his actions are completely disparate. When I read this I hear a man that basically wants to keep having sex and dates with his estranged wife, the same thing with a girlfriend, and not have to make a commitment to either one. He also shows all the signs of wanting you because someone else had you....basically only stringing you along so that you won't date other men. And then he gives you all this hooey about him working through his jealousy. That is hogwash. He is seeing OW and yet jealousy of you with another man makes him jealous?
If he came to the house today and said, "I want to try again", and then promptly went to OW house would you believe him? He has one foot out of the relationship and will run at the first sign of trouble. That's what he's saying. He's saying....I'll try with you as long as we never fight or this never gets difficult.
My advice. Go back to the life you had...the one that didn't include him. Be friendly and have conversations, but don't have sex (it doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you) and don't talk about trying again. I think that until he gives up OW and makes an honest effort that there is nothing there to work on. Would you want him living with you as man and wife if he just continued to have an affair? Are things over with your bf? I would seriously consider whether your H is ever going to give up other women or just continue to use you. I personally don't see what it is about him that you want back. I know that was harsh, but I don't like that you are being used and don't even know it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
thanks for your comments, I understand your thougths and views on my situation. Its hard becuase you only read my side of the story, so yes it does sound very much like he is 'using' me and wants his cake and eat it...
But, what do you do when he has made it quite clear that he thinks there is sumthing between us that he thinks could be worked on BUT he is just not ready to take full plunge yet?? I cant make him give up everything and start trying... He has to do it in his own time. This is where we went wrong last time, i put pressure on him and he started trying but reluctantly and it didnot work.
I am torn between people telling me I am being a mug and being used and really beleiving I am doing the right thing with my H..
I do think he has alot of issues he does need to sort out still, bit I also know that if he came home under pressure if would never work...
At the moment, we are getting on better than we have done in ages, so I am tempted to say if its working, why change it??
My problem is patience! I want changes to happen now, but I no they will not. They will take time.. Dbusting covers the issue in the book when a partner will not give up a OW so that is why I am trying to give him time but also get on with my own life as well.
Moderator - any views on this at all as I am struggling with this??
